It's a very sad story indeed. You have started to open up and heal. I know it is difficult, but you definitely need a way to deal with it through therapy or something. I don't have time for a long post, but in order to heal, I think you will need to open up.

Your problems now DEFINITELY have to do with your childhood. That is clear as day. You did not have bechira then. You do have bechira now to recover with the help of Hashem.

You're doing awesome, just by starting here, it's a major step!!

Just two points, one is that it will be very dificult for us to think our way out of this ourselves, since we are the ones who are constantly thinking our way into it. The forum is a very good start though.

Second, the Big Book writes that self-knowledge did not get them anywhere. I understand the confusion, yet I doubt the answer will help you any.

again, you've taken a giant step Keep It UP!!!!!

i am still new to this form,
i really appreciate all of you, giving me chizuk and trying to help me, i am amazed whats going on here, just the opposite of my childhood love each other and care for them.

WOW! Hashem yes you are ready to send us mushiach look at these ppl want and willing to help each other for what? just for you!

well i spent most of my day today to search all over here, i started the 90 day, i am amazed on the numbers i see there from ppl who got clean like 1000+ days wonder if its true, these is just giving me the push i can also, and will do it!

just another 4 hours to go and i am first day CLEAN, WOW. its real i am going to get clean.

Keep on Truckin!
KOT!
Don't look at the clock!
just look at each moment.
Every nisayon that comes your way, look up to Hashem and say, "I cannot do this by myself; help me!"

He will!

Hi,

I just wanted to give you a late-ish welcome to gye.

It's a hard journey but definitely worth it and it's extremely rewarding.One of the best benefits (in my opinion) is the real friends you make along the way.

Keep posting, and start figuring out what your plan for dealing with this whole thing is going to be.

Hatzlacha!!!

גענוג געווען wrote:

Hi and welcome,

Your story is very painful.

As individual as the circumstances are, I think that there is something that I and other addicts can relate to. And that is how we relate to HaShem.

I developed a very black and white image of HaShem and frankly was surprised if I masturbated and nothing happened as a result; and if nothing happened then clearly it wasn’t so important to Him etc, and so I would continue acting out. Whatever the cheshbonus, the point is that my life revolved around how I perceived HaShem as relating to me. (masturbation being just one example).

So allow me to share with something which changed my life,

And that is that HASHEM LOVES EACH AND EVERYONE OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.

Yes, it does not make one once of difference to Him how many times we masturbated. His love for us remains unchanged. (The reason He tells us not to do things is for OUR benefit only, and that too is because of His love for us).

He created us and He loves us just as a father loves a child. He is infinite and His love for us is infinite. He only wants what is good for us.

If you are able to accept this then you can talk to Him from wherever and however low you feel, instead of running away from Him. Tell Him how you feel, that you are hurting, that you feel ashamed of what you did and that it bothers you to death.

He is calling you and He can take away your pain.

thanks chesky for your kind words
the problem is as other ppl describe i dont feel any connection to hashem, i will tell you the truth, (i hope no one will discover my identity well if so i will suicide) when was my last time i davent mincha? good question i have no answer!
when was last time i davent marev? great question, i dont remember!
but shacres i still do, but it takes me 10 minutes, i feel going out of my skin, i can be longer in shul.

but this is all because of my continues sins, but as of now i am so cool to the whole pray, i dont know, will wait an see, for now i am trucking:)

Stop with the suicide Trucker!

Today was the first day of your life, and youre thinking like that!
What is the matter with you?

Focus on today. Daven today. By shma koleinu or modem, say thank you Hashem for helping me find such wonderful friends. Daven that Mr. Emunah should come back soon. Pray for all of us, and thank God for allowing you to daven to Him.

KOTIDFL

GG,

I respect and understand that you are a private person and don't want to talk to anyone about your issues.

But I know that part of this is coming from the addict inside you who wants to keep safe and warm in hiding. By talking to someone real about your issues, you will have a much better shot at overcoming the addiction. Your secret life will no longer be secret. Addiction thrives in isolation.

It may be painful and scary to re-open these wounds, but it will help them to heal.

Either way, take it one day at a time.

Wishing you a wonderful and clean day,

Alex

Who knows about your troubles in childhood? Who knows about your current problems with masturbation etc? Does your wife know? Does a rebbi know? Are you able to see a therapist? You are dealing with very heavy stuff.

As far as your friend is concerned, I would worry about yourself right now. At some point down the road, you can think of strategies to ask him mechilla.

גענוג געווען wrote:

HaShem loves you and all of us unconditionally. He created you and gave you the circumstances which have caused you to have such a hard life. He understands you infinitely. And He is there with you all the time, in every time and in every place.
Whether you daavened mincha today does not change his love for you one iota. (Daavening and Torah and Mitzvos are for OUR benefit). He is there for you and you can talk to Him.
The only reason why you do not feel a connection to Him is because you feel guilty. Guilt for us addicts is poison. We think that they are worthy thoughts, when in fact they are making our lives unmanageable.
May HaShem help you find peace and happiness.

hi, i wasn't here on Friday
i think i made a little mistake by talking from my past, it just break me up that night was not able to sleep, just of reminding myself from that old days.
it needs to be stated, since i got married there is nothing wrong with me, besides being a sex addict, i never looked backwards on my past, the last time i looked backwards and cried on my past was under my chupa! when i asked hashem look what i went through only you are witness what i went through , and even then i went over in my mind only few years, because i had to pass on the ring for my kallah, i cried like never before, and there was no dry eyes in the surrounding as i can see on the film of my wedding.

now by looking and talking from the past its just making sad and depressed, i never did that since my wedding, that's why i am here today and not in psychiatric center.

so for those who claimed that i should talk to a therapist about my past, i think that will really hurt me, rather than bring me any benefit, as i can see what it did to me last week when i write my story for the first time in my life.

now for gibor120, yes my wife knows allot about my past, but not everything, i will never tell her that the 16 year old boy pushed in his .... into my mouth and forced me to .... it. it could damage her, and i want a good sholom bayis.

about my sex addict, the only one who knows about it is you guys, and NO i will never share that with my wife, i have now a good sholom bayis, i am very happy and i dont want to destroy it, if your wife leaves you, you will have a place where to go too, I DONT!

and i know my wife very well, if she will figure that out then i might get in trouble, and it might Finnish up very bad, so that's not an option.

so for now lets forget about my past, nothing enjoyable about it, we need to focus on what is coming, yes its coming good days! anyone can sing the MBD song "some many happy days"? lets sing it!

Remember! if i was able to build up a nice and cute family with all my background, and not taking any psychiatric medication, then i can get clean of my addictness! and i will!

i am now 4 days clean! yes, i had not done that in the past, but now i had it done!

"We will be singing, dancing, laughing everybody just you wait and see,
Miracles amazing wonders, like no one's ever seen before..."

Got in late on this, but here is a big hug from me too. We are all here in the same boat. We are all slowlg climbing up from the pit of darkness we fell into. Some are almost up, others are still far down. But we are all climbing and we are all helping one another.

Your story brought tears to everyones eyes. You did a big step by opening up here. Read some of the testimonies here. There are people that had been addicts for many many years and that are now sober more than ten years. It is possible. If theu can so can you. Dont lose hope!

Read your thread, I don't have the words to say, so I'll just tell you:

I love you.

I want to see you happy.

I can't wait.