hi everyone.
i came in here yesterday after the big aveira, and thinking of sharing my story, but guys i cant, forgive me for this if i will share it from beginning till now, i will get a heartbreak, too much tears involved i cant do it.

but i will try slowly post after post, hope you will understand me.

meanwhile i hope to be now first day clean in my journey.

Welcome!!

Don't be a stranger, we're all together here!!

WELCOME!

You have come to the right place and you are on your way. Sit down, make yourself comfortable, make a lechayim. Keep posting at your own pace. We all have the same problem and are in the same boat more or less. You are among friends that understand you.

Welcome GG (or should I say ג"ג?)

We are all happy to hear your story, how ever long it takes you to go through it. We try not to bite most of the time, so go ahead and post away!

tryingtoshteig wrote:

But we can't promise that you won't end up with a נ נח kappel .

It always gives me chizuk when someone new posts for the first time. It is a reminder that we are soooo not alone in all of this.

When my class in school used to get out of line, one older slightly senile teacher used to holler, "Enough is too much!"

We feel "enough is enough" davka because its "too much". Never let yourself forget why you came - because "enough is too much". Let that fuel your conviction to learn what you need to in order to stay clean. And, may this be the first day of many one-days. Post away, new friend.

thank you all for your support.

since English is not my first language, please forgive me for my spelling and grammar

hashem sent me down to this world into a broken family, without specifying too much details (afraid of my identity) in short, since birth i never got love....

its very hard to explain what i went through, as i start growing i got abused at home (not sexual, mental) hashem gave me in some kind of shame, that i always tried to hide that from everyone, including teachers & friends as well.

slowly i started to get the street kid as i grew up, well at home was not my place, dinner? oh that's not a question, well i skipped it, waited the morning should begin and get something in school to eat.

was school good for me? well you can imagine being in such environment at home, i had no intention to learn, so guys I GOT ABUSED IN SCHOOL TOO! (not sexual, i am still talking from mental)

i got beaten up by the rabbi's almost every week, and it was only just for not learning.
at lunch time or at break, it was the time for the kids of my class to enjoy my blood, well i was skinny and was not able to fight back.

when i was about 8 years i got first time sexually abused by a 16 year old boy, i didn't got out z''l, and i didn't notice anything about that on the 16 year old boy, so acutely he took me just to be his slave and work him out, i will never forget what he told me i need to do for him, all kind of scenes that i have seen now on internet he wanted i should experience on him, or he on me.

guys i am freaking out here... yes and all these was a secret, well to whom should i go to? i had no one who cared about me.
that's it for now.

Welcome GG

We are in the same boat called Hell. Some have gotten on earlier, some later. Some have swam ashore. We don't let anyone sink here. That's our job and we do it well. So come, grab a life jacket and sit right down. Choose a seat mate. We come in all shapes, sizes, colors and creed. We have several captains (besides the Big One) who steer and guide us thru the stormy waters. If there is a sudden ground landing, life ramps will appear at the sides of the boat. Take your pick; stern or port, bourbon or scotch. Yes, none of us bite, but there are some scratchers.

Bottom line, we are all sailing towards LIFE. That is our goal. We would like to leave Hell behind. We have had enough of it. Your tears and all of ours and from God Above is the water which this boat is floating upon. When we all stop crying, the boat will be safely ashore.

Uh oh! I hear Captain Dov announcing, "All aboard!" Better sit down.

b'hatzlachah

One thing I could tell you is that you've jsut got yourself an overload of people that care for you!!!

It's amazing that you're here trying to do whatever you can, instead of just sucumbing to despair.

We're all here for you!

Wow, I don't know what to say GG, you have had a difficult life. Please continue to share.

gibbor120 wrote:

It happens to the best of us!

so i finished crying i am back. (better should i cry than sin every day!)

this 16 year old boy took me for his slave till i was about 11 years, now he was not the only one, i had one of my family who was my age, and at 9 years he started playing with me, (was only playing not any z''l) till about 13.

before i start where my real sins started, i cant ignore that i was a Kurben Tzibur in my class all the time, when the class want to experience a good joke it was on me, needed to beaten up someone? it was me!, it never ended, till i got married, i will never forget those guys who slammed me and beating me up just for their joy, sounds like how can these happen, but this was a real story, i will never forget how my class watched me crying every day.

but to all my pain, when i was around 14, a 15 year old boy started begging me i should do the sin with him, when i told him i don't want, he managed once to get me into a room where he locked the door, and told me i am not getting out of here till he is not playing with me, (i need to express, i was a cute boy after all, that's why all molesters followed me)
but it still didn't finish up so i was still clean without z''l in my life.

but this molester didn't gave up, a while later he started to talk to me, and explained me porn, this was the first time i got lesson how to perform z''l, and what porn is all about, i will never forgot it was my worst month in life! was not able to cope on anything, i lived without eating, sleeping and so on...

after i made z''l my first time, i got very down and scared, so i said to myself i will never produce it again i am afraid of it, but after a while unfortunately i got into it, and even teached another boy of my age how to do it (this guy told me once he cant forgive me for that)

but i started to get addicted to z''l, well this was the only way i felt love, and with help of the boy my age we got graphic images and we did what we did,

as i got 17 a lot of boys tried to go out with me and masturbate, but i was not gay and refused and rejected most of them, and since i liked only women, i went for the lookout almost everyday for more images, and got more and more addicted

when i got engaged i started to make some kind of kabalah that i am not doing it anymore, but it hold for 2 weeks or so, then before my wedding i promised myself that's it! no more z''l, but after about 4 years of marriage, i started to search the internet at work and.....
i started to cry and i was sure i will never do it again, but i did, i cried again, i asked from hashem please help me, and i cried and cried, i did a lot of gedorim it should not happen again, i put K-9 on my computer, but since i am an addict i got around it.

i am now years later i have big kids with a huge family, i do the sin at least once a week often once a day, i am at such kind of matzev that i dont cry anymore, i got used to it.

till yesterday after i did it, i started to think hey enough ! how long do i want to sin and not do anything about it? so thats how i came in here, by my taught its enough, thats how my nick got created.

now, i am very happy with my wife, i love her, but i am addicted to what i am, not sure if its because of not getting love from anyone in my entire life till marriage, or simple addicted

also i realy dont know what to do about my Chaver, he cant forgive me what i did to him, he claims he would never been what he is if i would not tell him about porn, what should i do?

am i a Yerovum ben nevot which has no tchuva?

Welcome friend!

Sounds like you had a very unfortunate and painful childhood and fell into addiction as an escape. Once we're addicted, even though our lives may have changed for the better, it's not so easy to stop just because we want to. If fact, if we feel we need to stop, but can't, that's what it means to be addicted.

There have been others on the forum who have shared similar childhood experiences. I myself was abused, neglected, and picked on, although nowhere near the extremes you experienced.

Y'yasher kochacha for picking yourself up and moving on into an at least outwardly normal life.

Now you want to stop acting on your addiction. You want to get sober and into recovery.

Is it possible for you to see a therapist to help overcome some of your feelings about your past? It probably won't help with the addictive acting out, but it sounds like you would benefit from some one-on-one therapy.

You might also consider joining a 12-step group near you to work on the addiction (www.sa.org)

Either way, please don't focus on the guilt. There are ways to make amends with those we have harmed. If you didn't teach that guy how to masturbate, he would have figured it out on his own. He's just blaming you for what is really his own problem. And if he's still doing it, why not send him here?

AlexEliezer wrote:


i am a very ashamed person, and since i build myself on my own, meaning without normal parents, which i believe is a gift from hashem, i feel myself very bright and smart, that i would never talk to someone about me, thats the same reason i never spoke about it in the past.

but anyhow the feelings about my past is only to put the guilt on my behavior as its because of a terrible past, but this is untrue well i see here on forum many ppl who grew up in normal families and are dipped into shmitz as i am.

the only thing where i am really confused is, if the reason why i am doing it so often is because of side effect of not getting love in the past.




i looked into, and same as i mentioned above i am very far from exploring my self to others, especial from my behavior, the reason i am still here and writing is because anonymity.




he dont want to talk to me, for years.

Welcome aboard G.G.
You def. come to the right place. Wow what you have been through I don't wish on my worst enemy....The journey starts today afresh, day by day...Hatzlocho and once again welcome to this great Chevra