cordnoy wrote:

Every marriage has ups and downs, but overall, I think pretty healthy.

see...by me, he marriage was healthy, but throughout, there was intimacy issues. for me to bring this revelation on (besides all the stress that my wife is under for all sorts of issues), this would totally kill her! forget the sin or behavior itself; its like i cheated for 2o years. not like...i did!

It's definitely a delicate issue. That's why you need someone you trust and respect who knows you and your wife. I agree with you that now is certainly not the "right time".

I dont know, I found that as soon as I started discussing it my challenges were minimised

didn't you say you were a bachur?

I am indeed. I still feel that once I started didcussing it with someone It made ita whole lot easier...

I can tell you from personal experience
that opening up marks a turning point

I remember as a bochur how I desperately needed to speak it over with an older, married kollelman, so I picked a popular fellow in my yeshiva
I couldn't get the words out of my mouth to tell him what I was doing
and Hashem led me to the right person-he himself had been addicted and understood

the struggle continued, but I finally had hope...

dont expect perfection from day one
but always remember the first day you signed up here
may you see this as the turning point of your life

davewave wrote:


Of course, that is perfectly true, but I think we were discussing about telling one's wife, that is a totally different story.

Hi,

Long time since i last posted. I fell today after almost 20 days clean........ really depressing. ive been going for therapy and just get the feeling its going nowhere...

Fell Shmell. Get up and do something about it! If you do something then it will be 20 days and counting with a fall in middle. if you dont it will be 20 days.

Whats the plan chabibi?

Hi Dave,
Sorry to hear about your fall and thank you for reminding me how powerless I am over lust.

davewave wrote:

Yes, I totally identify with that. My feelings will tell me many things; That I am high, that i am low, that I am connected, that I am not connected, that i am successful, that I am a failure, that I can do it myself, that I cannot do it myself.......... the list is endless, and the bottom line is that I am powerless over my feelings.

Why am I powerless? Because even though logically I often am aware that these feelings are not true, that they are completely out of proportion with reality, that yesterday I felt different and that tomorrow i may feel different, for now all that is irrelevant. Now I am STUCK in how I feel now. And that is a GREAT excuse to act - out, because acting - out solves ALL my CURRENT problems. The problem is that my addiction, also doesn't think about tomorrow or five minutes time for that matter.

So, just for today I surrender my feelings. I admit (to someone else) that they are very powerful, more powerful than I am, and I ask HaShem for the willingness to surrender them, that He should help me just for today and that I should be able accept myself even if I do not feel like I am going anywhere.

And yes, I HAVE come to believe that He can do this for me, even though my addiction tells me that at the moment and the situation I am in, there is absolutely no way out! Yes, He HAS done this for many other people who I meet and speak to in SA, and He has done this for me too each day that I turn to Him and He helps me remain sober.

May He be with us just for today and grant us another sober and sane day.

Thanks for the chizuk sorry its taken so long to reply! Your literally boosted me! Ive been clean the whole week!

Sounds good. May G-d be with you.

For me it helps to measure my sobriety not by how long i am from the last fall, but by how close I am to the next one.

chesky wrote:

that is a marvelous idea!
maybe a -90 count should be done, with the objective being to feel 90 days away from a future fall

chesky wrote:

I love this quote! It is very true. The number of days in the rear view mirror doesn't mean a thing. (maybe it gives some chizzuk) The important question is, "What is the quality of my sobriety today?" Am I teetering on the brink, or do I feel calm and relaxed, far from the edge of the cliff.

Thanks!