To continue:

It amazes me how a person could be so hard on himself yet his esteem be so low. It's such a contradiction. I can definitely see it within myself but it appears in other addicts as well. That we want to be perfect (no mistakes) and yet we have such low self esteem. I would think because we strive for perfection, this shows that we believe in ourselves. We believe we can be perfect. But in reality we treat ourselves like dirt. We hate ourselves. We think we are nothing and when something comes our way we say: "it's too hard for me," "easier said than done," "you think I could do that?? No way!"

It's like an addict is bipolar. We think we can be perfect but we don't believe in ourselves that we really can do it.

I am not sure as to why this is, but from my experiences in the past 9 months of real recovery, I have noticed how to start breaking these two polar mindsets.

Perfection: I mentioned this in part 1. We must accept that we are human beings and prone to make mistakes. We can not be perfect! And that's okay, that's life.

Beliveing in ourselves: everyday we wake up and say Modeh ani. In Modeh ani. We say "Raba emunasecha" Hashem believes in us! The Creator of the world! The Master of the universe believes that we can do it! After all we are alive right now! There are plenty of ways for Hashem to dispose of us. So the fact that we are here now shows us that Hashem believes that we are capable and capable for anything!!!! If we only realize how much potential we have, we would be on the moon! Have you ever done something and thought to yourself "WOW! I did that? I had no idea I could ever do that!"

By accepting we are human and genuinely believing in ourselves, we can start breaking down this horrible mindset and start true recovery! For the past while, I have seen incredible change in myself and these 2 principles have helped immensely!

Just because we are human and make mistakes, doesn't mean we can't accomplish and go far! It's not all or nothing. It's not we are either perfect or worthless. There is a middle ground filled with endless potential that we must tap into so we can truly recover and live life to its fullest.

Thank you dms for these posts, they are truly wonderful!!

dms1234 wrote:


I beg to differ. For me it is very much the same thing, that is Arrogance! The core of my perfection is my arrogance and that based on what I hold of myself, everything I do should be perfect, nothing less than G-d Himself! How can I hold myself to esteem when I'm not acting according to my picture of myself? How can I hold myself in esteem when everything seems to be opposing that idea?

Self esteem is when I accept myself for who I really am, when I can acknowledge that I'm not perfect and yet I'm precious. When I can account for some humility in my view of my life, I will be able to see myself for the gift that Hashem sees me as!!

If that didn't make sense, forgive me, I just came off the plane.

I noticed something very interesting yesterday. I looked up at the trees and the leaves changed. They are orange! WHOAH! Isn't it amazing that when Hashem turns to us to change, our environment is also changing! Its like "change" is in the air. Its the essence of this time period and even nature is changing!

Maybe Hashem is trying to get us in the mood to change and is reminding us to change!

So lets change! One day at a time!

Just don't say the name of the season we don't want to be reminded of that...

Gevura Shebyesod


Sometimes we have to bad word removed to grow?

Maybe its talking about our ego bad word removeding

what's wrong with autumn?

This holiday season I am going to work on a thing that I have been trying to do (or Atleast what I shouldn't have been doing) every day for the past while: give up my will and accept His.

And isn't that what RH is about? Crowning Hashem as king not us!! Hashem is the centre of the universe not me! I am apart of His universe and I must realize, internalize and actionize accordingly!

His will, not mine!

thanks for your beautiful inspiring posts


I saw a nice vort from Rav Nosson Vachtfogel regarding a favorite topic in your posts. The Ramban in his famous letter says the first step is to speak calmly to EVERYONE, Rav Nosson says that people don't realize that everyone includes themselves also!

Hello dms...

respectfully,

I see your commitment to share your history and help others and to avoiding falling again.

but

I see a problem...

you have posted, and answered a lot of comments, that means that you have, free time...

I recommend to you to spend a little less time on internet...

I fall many times for being curious and try to dare the safety holes on the internet filters...

If you really need to use internet, my suggestion is, it is possible to you, get a powerful internet blocker, like Net Nanny, and set up only the "white list" on the web pages.

In fact this is an annoying program, it is very difficult for uninstall, add all the web pages that you really need, take a time doing it, because you will not longer to make changes on it, after that tell your rabbi to set up the password.

The thing that helped me is recognize that I was having a problem with porn,and I was having a problem with using internet...

If you don't need it, then do not use it too much,

and please avoid your friends if they lead you to do the wrong, I'm sure you know some of them which avoid bad things and are doing well, you should be whit them...

Hahahahahha

It happens to be that you are right! I do go on the internet too much! But Baruch HaShem i have a really good filter.

UJC, if I may humbly give you advice....welcome to this fine website! It seems you are well on your way. If I may though say, be careful with the advice you give and to whom. Some things for some people could even be destructive! It all depends on who the person is and where they are on there journey.

I have been on GYE for 9 months and I still have much to learn about giving advice.

So please be cautionary!

It's very easy to throw up advice everywhere. I may do it a lot and maybe I should be more careful but we must give advice for that person and not for ourselves

So last night was interesting. I didnt have a lust attack. It was just a conversation with my self.

"I really want to lust"
"You do?"
"Yea, I really want to lust"
"But it won't help you solve your problems!"
"But it feels good"
"Really it doesn't fell good. remember how you always want more. Once is never good enough"
"But i really want to lust!"

Thats pretty much how the convo went. I went to bed or at least changed the convo.

I am at this interesting crossroads. At one end i want something, my instinct is that i want lust, but i know from experience that lust doesn't really "do it" for me anymore.

But i be just keep livin my life, one day at a time (as cordnoy would say)

May I suggest that next time, start the conversation like this:

"I really want to lust"
"You do?"
"Yea, I really want to lust"
"Why?"

I asked that to a fellow today; he replied, "cuz it feels good."
I would have answered the same.
I even did many a times.

It does but not for very long. And that few moments of pleasure just isn't enough for me. And even if I act out all day, I know there are limitations to this pleasure.

Plus it was ruining my life, crippling my potential, crumbling my relationships. I wasn't happy when I was lusting. I felt disgusting.

This is my expierence but something tells me that everybody on this sit have had similar expierences even if it makes them feel good (for 2 minutes!!!!!!)

what worked sometimes for me,
when i told myself," it feels GOOD".

"you will be a better person if you don't act out"
(and this is something I really want)

or

"this is below your standard"
(and it is)

or

"you will have to restart your streak"
(ouch for my ego)

but in the end you need S.D. because without it........