Wow, its been a while since I posted. I guess I am not very good writing on forums.

I am currently and Israel and have been since July. Coming to Israel, I knew this was my chance to meet face to face with other Jews struggling in this area.(I live in a small city so I don’t get this opportunity). I got in touch with a brand new group in Israel. When I first met with the group, I was surprised how down to earth everyone was. I thought it was going to me depressing and serious. But guys were joking around. It seemed like they knew each other for years not merely month.

The group is not anonymous but I wasn’t afraid of telling the guys my real name, the city I lived in, my story, the last time I fell. It was an incredible feeling talking to a real person. I felt an immediate connection the guys and unfortunately I have to go home in a couple weeks. I strongly recommend this. I used to shrug off the chizuk emails and posts that said, you have to do the 12 step calls and come to meetings to achieve and maintain real sobriety. But I can say that they are right. There is absolutely nothing like the feeling that I feel at the meetings. We declare that we are addics and share ourselves over to others, something that we as addicts suck at.

No, I am not going to say I will never fall again but I am doing much better. I am improving and growing. I am starting to learn more about myself and ways that I can heal. I am learning how to live not just to not fall. And most importantly I am learning that I am powerless to the yetzer and only Hashem can save me. Bottom-line, whatever I do has no bearing. I must do my hishtadlus but then I have to mvater to Hashem. All results are up to Him.

I have discovered that the yetzer comes at us and there is a deep turmoil within us. We tense up and our natural reaction is to follow the yetzer’s demands and fall. Therefore we must first ask Hashem for help and then take a deep breath and relax, relieving this tension and lust inside of us. This strategy has really helped me the past couple days especially on the streets.

So I strongly suggest meeting real people. It is scary, but it will change your life. It necessary for recovery. I deeply grateful for the guys I have met. A deep load has come off my shoulders.

Feelings are mutual, it's great to have you part of our group!!

KOT KUTGW!!!

Ok wow, a lot to update. I will try to remember everything. We had our final oink meeting before the holidays, 2 thursdays ago. I was feeling good, too good because I almost fell that night and the next night. That thursday I had an incredible test. I was going to a fellow GYE member's house for Shabbos day and I didnt have his house number. So i kept calling him and I was going nuts. Suprisignly I kept some sort of composure but inside i was screaming: Why dont you answer??? Dont't you know that I am the centre of the Universe?? You serve me!!!.

And then during Shabbos I realized what a mistake I had made. I am not the centre of the universe: Hashem is, and there are other people that live in this world, not just me. They have feelings too and their own lives. I also learned that I don't run the world. Hashem does. I need to let Him and not worry. Yes, I should have caled my host earlier but now I have to give to Hashem. Funny enough, I had this same test today. I called for a Sherut and it didnt come when it was supposed too. I got scared because the number I gave them was a freinds who wasn't with me so i thought they skipped me. I freaked for about 10 minutes but then decided to call them. I think I improved, I did call out to Hashem but you know I am not perfect.

Anyways at that last oink meeting, the Rebbi said take it easy on RH. Dont get so worked up. This advice helped me so much. Around me guys were screaming and davening but most likely it was also fake. I tried to internalize the davening and work more on admitting powerlessness and crowing Hashem as king

So currently I am at the airport leaving Israel to go back. I hope to be back in just over a year. Thank God I am doing well. I am really calm and trying to my hishtadlus and then let Hashem take care of the rest. I am trying to be honest and real. I realize how fake by Avodas Hashem was. I thought i was connecting to Hashem: davening, learning etc But it was all fake. But now thank God I am truly growing and truly beginning my journey up the ladder to shamayim.

I am about to board. Will post tomorrow "or I guess later today lol" on more what I learned and more of my fears for when I go back home.


I passed our oink spot while on the sherut!!!

I am sitting here at Ben Gurion and I am scared to go back home. I have already seen more pritzus than i should i ever see. Thank God i diverted my eyes (success!) But for the short time I have been in Israel, I have done much growing. I thank you all for helping me get to this point. I feel so good to have shared my story to real people. I think from only that point can true healing begin, and it has. I feel much calmer and no i dont feel this, incredible close feeling to Hashem, even after R"H. But i have opened the doors. And as we all know,, is it really us that making this connection or is more that we open ourselves up to let Him in. Ofcourse we must do our hishtadlus but no matter how many Mitzvos we do, only Hashem determines if these are "valid' enough.

Also I have discovered that true recovery cannot take place until we fully admit that we are addicted. I am an addict and until I fully accept that i will keep falling or be atleast be a dry drunk. Of course this is the first think we say at our meetings and it is also the first thing that I say when I speak to Hashem. Admitting this fact, lets us feel powerlessness to the Yetzer and only Hashem can save us. And this feeling is ironically liberating. It frees us, allowing us to let go of this gashmius world connect to the Source.

I am truly grateful to you all, as you saved my life andI hope to be back in Israel as soon as possible

Daniel

wow thats really gr8 im very happy for you daniel chazak vematz keep us posted when u get home hatzlachah

WOOHOO!!!!!

KUTGW!!!!

We'll be waiting for you when you get back!!

So I am home Thank God. But an interesting story to tell everyone.

Yesterday, I arrived at my connection city with an hour left to board and after going through customs and struggling to find the right terminal, I walked to the desk to get my ticket for my next flight. I was scared because i only had 30 minutes till boarding, and I really wanted to daven shacharis on the ground. So i got the desk and heard that my flight was delayed 3 hours. I immediately fell into despair. I just wanted to go home, I was tired etc. I strted complaining but eventually I realized, I can take my time to daven shacharis. Hashem allowed me to do his will properly. I wanted to follow his will and he let me, even helping me!!

Another interesting story. After shul this morning my Rabbi who knows I am having trouble with shmiras einaim (but thats all) said he had this book for me. I think its called vayera eineinu. Anyone knew if its any good? I just thought it was a blessing from Hashem because well Shmiras Einayim is my biggest problem (like in the streets). Also the thought of telling my Rabbi entered into my mind. What do you all think

Today was the first day at college and whoooah. My eyes, my eyes. I tried and I actually did pretty well. But still its very hard. pritzus everywhere. But whenever i felt any lust I admitted I was addicted and started talking to Hashem. It worked pretty well. I just dont want to fall into a pit and then ending up falling.

Thanks for sharing!!

May Hashem help you through all hard times!!

can you take off your glasses?

dms: if you are competitive, try keeping score as to how many times you wanted to take that 'second look,' and avoided it.

i have been doing this, and it has made a serious dent in my travels during the day.

b'hatzlachah

i dont really wear glasses (but probably should) and good suggestion about keeping score but i dont want to seem like a game as in i would probably just be holding my breath

So Last night my shul Rav gave a talk on marriage (I'm not married but the Rav said I could get something out of it)

One thing that he said was very applicabe to us addcts. He said the reason men have to get married is because we intellectually know that other people exist but not emotionally. So when there's another person that we have to take care of, well come to emotionally believe other people exist like our wife.

So to us addicts. We obviously know other people exist but we don't really know it in our heart. I assume that the best way to do this, as I believe Dov always likes saying is just simply reaching out to others, start giving. I guess what I am struggling with though, maybe Dov can clear it up is what does this really mean? Or rather what our practical examples? Like if someone drops something pick it up for them? Stuff like that

On similar lines, it has really helped me internalize that I am addict but just saying that I am addicted. I try to say it atleast a few times a day and it has really helped me keep at bay, meaning that I am powerless and Hashem is my Saver. Unfortunately, if we get cocky, our Saver, can just pull the carpet from right under us and we easily fall. Therefore, it is really important that we stay as close down to that carpet.

and thank God, i can see improvements. I am much more calm even though that i am completely out of control. I rely on Hashem to help me. There is really nothing I can do. Of course i must to my Hishtadlus: guard my eyes, set filters, but besides that, there is nothing i can do

And boy this attitude has helped at college. Whoah! It is hard to guard my eyes but even so. If i mess up and look at a woman, its not over. I dont have to masturbate, I dont have to use my drug because I have outside help. It doesnt seem very empowering but it sure is. That I have the KING of the universe with me. He is by myside. That is empowering.

Sent from my iPhone

dms1234 wrote:

This is a tricky one because it's not just giving to others, it's the intent that counts. I considered myself to be a giving person. I didn't realize that it was coming from a selfish place. I have a low self esteem, so I need to try and be perfect, part of being perfect is to be considerate. So, when I am considerate towards others, I am simply trying to make myself feel better. I could do that for a lifetime without having an inkling what chessed really means.

Some people who are really very helpful simply have low self esteem and need others to like them, praise them, think highly of them. It's not from a healthy desire to give, but they are trying desperately to fill a void and run away from bad feelings about themselves.

That is why some people cannot say "no" (I sometimes have a hard time myself). It's not because they are so giving, but they are deathly afraid of someone thinking badly of them.

Chessed means doing it for the sake of the other - no self interest at all. I started to understand that from reading some of dov's posts and from being on his phone call. It is a very hard concept for me, but like I said, it has started to make sense to me.

Yay! Keep up the good work!!

(Didnt get the "don't know other people exist" part - but I'm not married, so perhaps I dont know people exist )

Daniel, ur an inspiration!! KUTGW!!

I am married and I do understand what you are saying, and what gibor wrote about not being able to say no was exactly me, I was also afraid of loosing peoples "respect". I used to do it in other areas as well, going places I didn't really want to because other people felt that I should be there etc.

Have a G'mar Chasimah Tovah!!

Before I tell about the past little while (i keep procrastinating posting) i must start off with today. what an amazing day so far.

I usually bike to shul but I was exhausted and plus it was raining so I decided to go on the bus. As I was walking off the bus I slipped and my kippah fell off. As I was recovering I realized that I even left my wallet in my seat. So right after a big slip in front of everyone I had to turn around and walk back to my seat. So whatever ego I had it disappeared. I was very embarrassed. However this actually made me realize how low I am, how powerless I am. My Rabbi says this as well. That we should humble ourselves. He says fundraising is very good for this (maybe all of us gyers should go door to door fundraising)

Anyways I realized how powerless I was and how truly nothing is up to me. I am an addict.

My davening was very good. Not the spiritually unfitting inspirational feeling really close to God kind (thank God, that really feels fake to me), but just a nice pleasant, tranquil davening.

So, I have been having troubles since I got back from Israel right after RH. Shmiras einaymim, learning, davening. It's been tough the past couple weeks. The good news is I haven't fallen intentionally. I did a couple of the half asleep falls and a couple other times I have caught my self. I hate saying this though because it makes it seem like it's ok. It seems like an excuse. But I don't really know what to do about those. Maybe tighten up shmiras eiyanim.

Last Friday, Erev Yom Kippur I was going to play tennis with my dad (I realized later probably not the best idea before a fast) I ready to go and was waiting for my dad to get home. I got a feeling like I had to lust so I grabbed my phone (which I got unlocked to add some apps speaking of which anybody have what'sapp? Message me we should exchange numbers.) I didn't get it locked right after (now it is Thank God) So downloaded safari and here we gooo. But somehow I was thinking. What I am about to do? Maybe I should go on Gye instead? And thank God I typed in GYe and then my dad called me to go play.

But then after tennis a similar episode. Same feeling and I was on my phone. This time I typed and went to an actual site. It was slow to load and I realized I don't have wifi on my phone so it will cost a lot of money to watch a video. So I exited. Whoah very scary times but wow Hashem came to the rescue.

So here I am on a rollercoaster ride called life. I am just trying not to despair. No matter what happens. How many times I fall when I am a sleep or how many college girls my eyes roll to I will try not to despair and be happy, even put a game smile for Hashem is watching and guarding (cue sukkos reference) us.

All I have to do is my hishtadlus. Put filters, make gedarim, try not to peak and leave it to the Guy upstairs above the schach (how is that spelled?) and just keep trying to live my life.

One more thing. When installed k9 a while ago I stupidly threw away be password, meaning I can retrieve it whenever I want. I emailed venishmartem to keep my password but does anyone want to help me out? Maybe chol hamoed?

Last night, I fell again. Another one of those half a sleep falls. But i am trying to brush it off. Its a brand new day and life is amazing. I feel really good. Liberated. I am an addict, truly powerless.Only Hashem can save me.

I was thinking over the past few days how when i daven to Hashem I say please help me but really this doent make sense. It is as if i am doing most of the work and then Hashem is doing a little bit to push me up the mountain. In reality I must do my hishtadlus: not look at girls, truly want to change, get right back up after falls and then Hashem will take care of the rest. Its more please Hashem save me! I realize that You, only You can truly save me. Nothing that i will do, no matter how many times that i dont look at girls can still fall. Please Hashem remove the battle from me!

But i am going to keep trucking. I must get up. I must truly want to change. Thats what matters: my attitude. So thank God, life is wonderful. Chag Sameach! Have a good Sukkos!