Lavi
Seriously? I really see no Steera! Shivsi was just saying to just keep on going. Follow your plan. Keep on getting back on the high horse. Action is of course included in that! I am sure shivsi would completely agree with you!

The Procrastination Song

Sometimes I have something to do
some work or some reading
Then I say, I'll do it soon
Not now, there's a reason

Sometimes in my fears I drown
So I never to business get down
So when all the excuses surround
I know some day i'll finally get around because...

All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the gumption to say
That I don't wanna wait no more
I'll just do the chores
then there will be time to play

Someday, someday, someday....

I think my therapist gave me to the key to life (NO, it is not woodford) He said: "Do not bring more potato salad to the party." If somebody is bringing the potato salad already to the party, why are you bringing more potato salad? How about a kugel or noodles?

Meaning, If someday is yelling at us (wife, parents, siblings, dog, boss, kids, Guard, etc) we shouldn't yell back! What will yelling back to? The other is already bringing potato salad!!!!!! Why should we? Lets counteract the potato salad and bring something else.

So what did my therapist recommend. What should we bring to the party? He said be completely calm! Do not act harsh at all! Do not respond in any negative way. Be understanding and listen. This doesn't mean we are wrong, but yelling back won't help. My therapist said: "alway be agreeable, even if not in agreement."

And they will see that you are acting different and more mature. They may even calm down. Have you ever been in the orbit of someone that is really calm? Its crazy. When you talk to them, this gush of calmness overwhelms and wisks any negative emotion.

And this is how we should ALWAYS act. With calmness. Even amidst a stressful situation. Even if we fell 10 times in one day (c''v). Its ok. Will stressing about it really help us. Seriously? Is stressing ourselves helping us recover? Is being depressed after a slip or fall helping? Or is it causing us to go into a downward spiral to the depths of gehinom. "NO!! but dms123456789, HOW COULD YOU? How could you not be upset after a fall????????!" I can be because i have realized IT DOESNT HELP ME!!! No, i am not happy i fell (c'v) but taking a deep breath helps me get my eggs back in order.

You may disagree but depression, unhappiness, sadness, bitterness, despair has NEVER helped me. Only when i am optimistic have i been able to truly recover.

Thanks

I have been workin' on that in my recovery process.

It is funny to watch the other's (the wife's) response when this happens.
She yells/screams/criticizes/rebukes/tells me off, etc. and I smile and say, "You're right, I will work on it."

"What!?"
"You're supposed to say why I'm wrong!?"
"Why don't you respond with your reasonin'?"
"Are you ignorin' me again?"

Etc, etc.

thanks again

b'hatzlachah

wise words, thanks for sharing them.

this calls for a potato salad party! oh, wait..

You could bring the compote, Zemmy

You may disagree but depression, unhappiness, sadness, bitterness, despair has NEVER helped me. Only when i am optimistic have i been able to truly recover.
-dms
ok i understand, your position. if i may, i would say, that all the above feelings can also have a positive side, after all Hashem created them for a reason! the rule seems to be, if i am able to use negative feelings in order to stir myself to do something positive, then it's good, but if they just bring me down and that's it, dump them

very well said i really needed that now i'm stressed like crazy but don't seem to really be helping myself, i guess i need that deep breath and try to keep it cool,

thanks dms!!!

KOP these wise words of wisdom!!!

dms1234 wrote:

Count me in on all of the above. Although I might say that sometimes, for me, it is the other way around. I get stressed out and am not interested in getting real life stuff done, so I tell myself "I will just surf the web for a few more minutes, before I go back to doing my responsibilities and then another few minutes, and another few minutes...."

lavi


I think what you are trying to say is what the Baal HaTanya writes about two types of negative feelings.

One is referred to as Atzvus and the other is Merirus.

Atzvus, or depression, is a negative feeling which isn't good in any way. Someone with atzvus is in essence full of pity. "I can't do anything right. I'm so terrible. Everything is terrible. I'm just going to lay in bed and give up."

Merirus, or bitterness, is a negative feeling which can be utilized for the good. A person with merirus is full of spirit, he's had enough and is ready for change, so he jumps up from his fall and goes full steam ahead.

I really appreciated that post b/c I've been wondering for a while what the right balance is between have proper charata for an aveira I did, and becoming overly saddened to the point of depression. I guess that's it- if it depresses a person in such a manner that they're not learning from what happened and as a consequence, are not growing, then it's not healthy.

skeptical wrote:

And there are many other powerful emotions too, that are not 'bad', they're a healthy part of life. Like you said, a person can experience profound sadness, yet be 'full of spirit', ie. He actually feels very ALIVE. That's the exact opposite of depression! Experiencing depression is experiencing a void. It is a LACK OF ANY FEELING. The opposite of life. Depression essentially has ZERO intrinsic BENEFIT. EVER.

(What actually happens is that since I'm afraid of ANY 'uncomfortable' emotions, instead of allowing myself to experience that healthy part of life, I'll either (a) get depressed, thereby running away from the real world which includes some quite intense 'uncomfortable' feelings, which will lead to acting out, or, (b) I'll act out- try to replace 'uncomfortable' feeling with a 'positive' one, and we all know what that leads to... depression!)

Tisha Bav. Many simply wrongly identify it with depression. But we need not be afraid even of aveilus, mourning, intense feelings of loss. As difficult an avodas Hashem as it is, there is no eternal loss when serving Hashem, no room for depression.

כל המתאבל על ירושלים זוכה ורואה בשמחתה/ בבנינה.

So have a MEANINGFUL Tisha Bav.

12th step ( ) on how to Climb a Mountain

Begin Climbing:

This step is simply an overview, for the actual climb requires many different techniques and is contextual to the mountain. This is where reading detailed books about your intended mountain climb is invaluable, along with talking to climbers who have already summitted it. Most climbs begin very early in the morning to ensure that you have time to come back down before darkness, or if you're sleeping on the mountain,
to ensure you reach a suitable place for sleeping each night. After checking you have everything you need (which you should have packed the night before), and having a hearty breakfast, set out on your climb with your guide or experienced companion. Put into action all of the skills that you have trained for before reaching this mountain.

-Stick to your route unless there are major encumbrances preventing you from doing so.
-Follow what your guide asks you to do. As a beginner, heed the wisdom of the experienced while still using your own judgment and being responsible.
-Take regular short breaks to eat energy foods, rest briefly and to assess your direction. However, don't linger too long where you cool down too much.
-Keep hydrated. It's easy to dehydrate in the cold because your body doesn't seem thirsty, so be sure to keep drinking fluids regularly.
-Stay with the other climbers at all times.
-Enjoy the summit. Take photos and feel proud.

what a perfect mashal to life! a yasher koach!

This Tisha Bav I don’t expect to act like a Flaming Baal Tshuva (FBT) and crry and cry that the Beis Hamikdash is gone. Beacsue thats not where I am at. Geez, i am just starting to feel feelings.

So this Tisha Bav will be a normal day but perhaps i could work more on surrendering myself to Hashem. Surrender to his will and Forgoe mine, my ME. I should say: What does Hashem want of me now? What is the right course of action? Not what do I (ME) want? Or even what do I (ME) need? But what does Hashem want of me?

I am not ready to cry that the Beis Hamikdash is gone nor i am ready to cry because i don’t know how to cry that the Beis Hamikdash is gone. But i am ready to surrender to Hashem and to His Will quietly and peacefully.