Keep your recovery active, and it'll stay on top of your mind.
Thanks for reporting your nice progress.
Gut Shabbos,
Mottel.

Hello Holy Chevra,

Been doing a lot of thinking based on reading some of our comrades experience a ‘fall’ in last few days.  Wanted to run some responses/ ideas by you for some feedback from those of you with much more perspective on recovery than me:   

Why do we fall, and better said – how can we prevent it?  I know waning inspiration can be part of human nature.  I hear loud and clear your recent posts to me -  “keeping recovery active” is key.  Although Alex mentioned  I will be less obsessed over time, I'm still in ‘wanting to do more’ mode because I'm still not doing that much  -  in terms of real 12 steps work, not so much live interaction, and I have said I would make a shvua and didn’t yet.  So I’m asking for your input once again, specifically about the live interaction in two areas:

1. Getting a sponsor
I currently go to an SA group once a week (I’ve gone there twice, but expect to continue weekly).  Do you think it makes more sense to get a sponsor there, or long distance with someone from our GYE chevra, who I feel more of connection to.

2. With you guys
I hear about people ‘making calls’  - not sure if that’s GYE or SA or both.  If there are some of the chevra who would like to help this lust addict on the cell phone sometimes I’d appreciate that.  I feel like this is nice/ special group of guys.  One of you have offered – but not sure if that was more text based or talk based.  I won’t be offended if for any reason be its not your cup of tea, due to busy schedule, or whatever, but I thought I should try.  I’m not even sure if this is for emergency purposes if they arise – or just the occasional live schmooze/comradery.  Your insights welcome about phone call/live GYE contact.  In brief - How do we work the phone into the postings??

Well – hope everyone is doing well – one day at a time. 

All the best and be matzliach!
Have2changeNOW

I think an in-person sponsor is a good idea, even if you can't find a long term one, find a short term sponsor in case you need a short term call.

Facing your resentments and fears and writing them down and going through them is huge work. 

If you wanna call me here and there I'll give you my phone.

Thank you ontheedgeman, will do.    So in general - I'm on the search for a  Sponsor and doing my hishtadlus at what I think are the right next step(s) - really getting into the "program" - which means live SA group consistently, working the Steps, and getting a sponsor.  With GYE as my YISOD.

But for now – I want to tell you all that IT HAPPENED!    I have been kind of stunned that my recent real first true clean (as in zero masturbation and porn) has been free of the lust attacks for almost a month.  Not even tempted.  And really full time effort at 100% Shmiras Ha-ayin.

But yesterday I had my first check again  in from my Yetzer Harah.  I was looking at a video sent by a potential client, and it had a 2 second clip of gorgeous woman from an angle I like.  Her image grabbed me and really stuck in my mind for about an hour after that.  Then I was preparing for my first SA big share about my whole history and looked at some old acting out lists I had made years ago.  Some details on the list triggered me.  So later I went back to find that 2 second clip from the client’s video again.  Knowing I shouldn’t but went anyway. 

Then later in the day I typed some PG 13 body part names into the PC and watched a few PG 13 clips, that took down my 100% shmiras ha-ayin record.  Then a bit later – a BIG DROP  -  I typed the dreaded name of the one porn sites that my filter lets though into a gmail search – and the list came up – staring at me right in the face.  It was like walking past a restaurant with bacon smell wafting out - so close to the edge.  But thank G-d I clicked off the page!! And did not go. Wanted to keep my recovery.  knew it would be physical pleasure for 2-5 minutes, and then anger and shame for A LOT LONGER.

On the way home  - the thought to go for a massage was pushing hard on my conscious, and instead went for a relaxed meal. And read the SA white book while eating (not crowded restaurant).

Somehow thank G-d  - I stayed on the Recovery course.  And in a certain sense this turned out to be a relief – I figured the lust attack would happen sometime.  And THANK G-D I made it past this first attempt.  Made me really realize how addicted and susceptible I truly am, and really fortunate to feel I was able to resist.  Not sure if I resisted – or Hashem handed me a shield and big motivator!

The next day, today, was good – just more committed to doing more work, and a drop deeper realization that I am a highly addicted lust fiend,  vulnerable at all times.

My holy brothers – appreciate your input/suggestions as always,

Be matzliach!
Have2chagneNOW

good catch H2.  I have been doing something I don't normally do in the morning and it seems to be working - for now.  I get down in full prostration like yom kippur in a place where no one will see me, and I recite the Big Book step 3 prayer... I feel like as long as I do this once per day in the morning, it will help me.  The idea is to really offer myself to H", and to dedicate everything I do to be an inspiration for others facing my same struggles.

If you aren't offering yourself to H" every day, and every moment, and really putting everything to Gcd, there will always be the risk of "I want to do this now, I feel good, I need it", etc.  But if, as you're looking through the pg 13, the calm, inner voice says "H2, is this what you are supposed to be doing now, is this His Will for me right now?", the answer is no.  and if you have prostrated that morning, you'll have an anchor with which to get your body back on the track of submission, since full prostration is a very risky business (i.e. doing in front of an idol can be akin to murder!).  So the power of the prostration, and the desire and prayer to offer yourself to Gcd's Will, will make acting out difficult.

Also, the power of "Roeh et hanolad". one of the ways a person should act is that he should see the consequences of his actions as Avot tells us.  The result of going for a massage, I have found, is more obsession with massage.  Why do I forget this nolad? Maybe because I want no lads with the masseuse.

Anyhow, big book prayer step 3:

God, I offer myself to You —
to build with me
and to do with me as You will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Your will.

Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Your Power,
Your Love,
and Your Way of life.

May I do Your will always.

H2, that's amazing work! You hit a rough patch and trucked right through! Keep it up!

One thing i want to point out, on what Edge wrote. It's assur to do full Pishut Yadayim Veraglayim (laying full length on the ground) nowadays, even if you put something on the floor first. I believe it's OK if you kneel and put your head down like on Yom Kippur, as long as you cover the floor. You might want to check with your LOR.

KOMT!!!
Gevura!

Hey H2, I found you a truck! ;D

KOMT!!

Gevura!

hi H2,

happy to hear that you passed through that particular gauntlet without calling for a general retreat after some initial losses, kol hakavod!

here's to more humming good times with H2!



zs

Have2changeNOW wrote on 21 Feb 2012 22:42:

My 2 cents:
I never went to an SA meeting, but it makes sense to me that you should get a sponsor there.  A real connection is better than a long distance one (I'm sure dov would say the same).  The more real the sponsor, the more real the recovery.

As far as keeping in touch with guys here, that's also great.  The more you reach out the better.

Hey Holy Chevra - as usual - thank you for the great advice and chizuk, and WOWWIE! - my very own Monstuh Truck - now I feel like I'm really making progress!  I'll keep pressing the pedal, and let Hashem do the driving.  Fasten your seat belts please.

ontheedgeman - you are motivating me to read more of the 12 steps material- still pretty unfamiliar territory, and need to get deeper into steps 1 2 3.  For starters.

Here's a cool discovery I made this morning - it was raining during my walk to work, and I realized that an umbrella is actually an amazing Shmiras Ha-Ayin Shield!

Please wish me hatzlacha - this Sunday I'm scheduled to let loose my full history to a group of fellow sex addicts.

A Good Chodesh and good Shabbos to all!

You guys rock!

Have2changeNOW

H2,
Thanks for keeping us in the loop.
The video story demonstrates a basic principle of recovery.  Any breach of abstinence, any small sip, can cascade at breakneck speed to a full fall and return to the old habits.

Something I do when I catch myself taking a look where I shouldn't (like the video) is I pinch my inner thigh HARD.  (I learned that from someone here)

So glad you pulled through!

Baruch Hashem for another Shabbos with our families.

H2,
amazing stuff keep it up....im not far behind you (24 days) and reading your story gives me an extra push! kol hacavod!

H2,
I read your whole thread, gotta say your real cool man. I barely know what porn is, B"H I've haven't gotten that far too much, but as it is it's so hard to recover from  mast. and the like, for you to pull out like that is a real "mefatfait beyitzro" (like yosef hatzadik).
MB

wow I might be ahead in the stepwork, but you going to SA and doing full sharing is monster.  they'll eventually push the steps on you and you'll thrive, BH.
yesterday I had a scare.  I went out to take pictures of the moon, my wife was on the computer and into her own thing.  She didn't hear that I was leaving.  Well I came home, and as I was walking up the stairs, I heard WAILING coming from the house.  My wife is pregnant and this greatly distressed me.  I came in and my wife was having a full out panic/crying/wailing attack, lying on the floor.  I was totally confused and scared and didn't know what was going on.  She couldn't catch her breath, and was literally shrieking.  "Where were you!!! Where were you!!" she had been using Facebook for the first time, and freaked out about the information that suddenly appeared and what was getting out about her.  She couldn't reach me on my cell and didn't know where I went. 

I'll tell you what I normally would have done to this manipulative insanity.  I would have yelled, shouted real loud, started to punch things in the house like the wall or the mirror, primarily to cause injury to myself.  I then would have drunk a bottle of wine or two, gone for a massage, and gotten away.

This time, because my wife is pregnant and i was seriously concerned about her physical and mental health, and also because I prostrated myself in the morning, I focused on what the proper, spiritual thing to do would be.  I focused on trying to get her to breath.  I held her hand and calmly but forcefully guided her to focus on her breathing, not to worry about Facebook, or about where I was. i continued to hold her hand, calm her down, and eventually she calmed down.  At one point I did cry, I was petrified.  Thank Gcd she is okay, we heard kicking. 

why did this happen?  my wife later asked me where I really went.  I said, to try to take a picture of the moon.  Earlier there was a beautiful sliver in the sky, it looked like a smiley face for Adar, and I thought how cool a pic that would be.  Anyhow, she rightfully didn't trust where I had been.  So I'm living in the consequences of my hurtful behaviour, I accept it, and put my trust in Gcd to protect me and my family from everything.

The irony of course is that in leaving the house to take a picture of the moon, I came home to lunacy!  ;-)

Powerful post, Edgeman. You did really well.


Hatzlocho.