Hello All,

It does feel good to see other Frum Yidden with similar (hidden) sexual problems/addictions.  I’m just posting now for my 2nd time, reading many posts, and very glad to have found this website.  I am hope  it helps me as it seems to have many others.  I can see the chizuk in knowing we are not alone.  Yasher Koach to the founders and funders.

I feel like I want to unburden myself a bit, actually a lot.  I'm not really sure of the rules of what to post -so if I say anything inappropriate - please let me know, and I will certainly avoid it in the future.

So here's the biggie – I just have to get off of my chest:  I see most of the post and articles discuss masturbating and porn.  That is part of my problem for sure, but I go much worse - going for massages with a ‘happy ending’, and worse going  - to live zonahs; and worse -  trying for certain 'fetish' acts that many times include unprotected sex.  This has been going on off and on for about 20 years, and I’m married for about 22 years.  Oy!  I have led such a bad double life.

I have ups and downs with the zonah frequency – but sometimes its a lot – like 40 or so times per year!  Sometimes  I feel  terrible about this terrible secret life, other times its more emotionally distant from me.  This year since Rosh Hashona I have fallen much less than last year to the zonah level.  I have put filters on most PCs and cellphones I have access to, and I feel that joining GYE is big part of positive hishtadlus.

That side of my life is so diametrically against what I believe in!!  Sometimes I have streaks for a month or two when the zonah part doesn’t happen at all, but I feel like I almost never know when that could ‘strike’ and not be derailed by me stopping and/or even just masturbating.  On a scale - if I only just stayed at home and masturbated - that would be great (relatively), especially if it’s just  using my imagination not on internet.    Does that make sense – or am I just rationalizing masturbation?

I think my self-esteem is ok (?)-  I have grown a lot in learning, pretty good job, nice friends, Baruch Hashem  - I get along well with my wife (she's great in most ways, including a good sex life and she's understanding – she knows just about the internet porn /masturbation part of my addiction) but I would instantly become the biggest hypocrite ever if the zonah part ever got out – G-d forbid!  And I do believe that its hurting my Nashama – and it’s one of my life’s’ avodahs to have to fix . . . . somehow. . . .

Please Hashem help me to never do that again!!!!!!!

Thank you all for reading/listening – feels very cathartic to tell the truth to this special group of holy brothers.

Sincerely,

Trying4awhile.

Welcome.  I would say you certainly fit the bill of a bona fide sex addict. And I'm glad that unburdening yourself here was cathartic. I didn't notice in your introduction what your plans are to overcoming your addiction other then your

"Please Hashem help me never do that again!!!!!" 

Which surely you realize isn't going to work. So, what are your real concrete plans for overcoming your addiction?

Thank you - I does sound like the right question. I feel I have been trying many things for a while - hence the name 'trying4awhile'.  I  have felt this is problem is in the range of "doing Teshuva" and realizing I need to go much further to admit/believe I'm a "bona fide sex addict" and then go with the ramifications of admitting that addiction fully.  As mentioned - I have put on filters, I have gone to some SA meetings (other post), but I think i didn't believe enough, admit enough, try hard enough.

Even the first step - I don't think I've admitted I'm powerless before Hashem in this regard.  It does feel like coming to this GYE site is action towards recovering.  But not enough?

What do you recommend?

Well certainly working the steps is important. I think you need a good accountability partner or sponsor to keep you in check.

As you now have come to realize, this is a progressive disease and gets more dangerous and deadly as we progress.
There are many routes to take, 12 steps, therapy, intensive weekends and treatment.  I would begin by downloading
the handbook and tools on this site, join a live 12 step meeting in SLAA or SA, get a sponsor and work the program.

trying4awhile wrote on 16 Jan 2012 23:09:

the first thing is to check if you don't have AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases. you are putting your wife in a big danger not only emotionally, but physicaly! after that you can download the handbook and tools on this site, join a live 12 step meeting in SLAA or SA, get a sponsor and work the program.

HazLacha
LT

Scary story Trying4awhile. I am with Last Try (Hope) and Elya in that order. STDs are not discussed enough on this Forum. Don't infect your precious wife! Gevalt!!

And Hatzlocho.

We are all with you.

Me3, LastTry (hope), and Blind Beggar - Thanks for your comments and advice

Its very helpful to hear a voice of reason to shake me up a bit.  I will make plans to get STD tested, and G-d willing all is clean.  My precious wife . . . . my precious life . . . . . .

Do you think in my case a reasonable interim defitnion of clean would be no live women in any way that could become sexual (other than my wife).  So masturbating w/o porn would be ok, masturbating with porn would be not great - but still clean by this definition.  I think going in stages sounds more doable to me, instead of cold turkey on everything.

If I had long time (or forever) with no one but my wife - that sounds awesome!!!  Can you give me some confirmation if this sounds reasonable in this circumstance.

Eager to take more steps to lessen addiction

Thank you!

Trying

I have heard of that being done in the past. It seems reasonable to me. But I still think that you need an accountability partner for you to report your progress to and to give you chizuk when you feel weak.

Thanks Me3,

I would do that - get Accountability Partner - sounds like a good idea fro me for sure.  But I'm still very new to this infrastructure - how do I go about getting an Accountability Partner.  I'll search the GYE website more - but if you have suggestions - please let me know.

thanks for being frank and honest.

Trying.

Hatzlacha

And one other point, since you are not sure if you are a real addict or not.  Just wait 2 or 3 weeks down the road when you (hopefully) haven't acted out in a while and the urge hits you full force.  It's going to be hell!

Mast*** is definitely way better than a zonah!

That wasn't the question.  The question was if it's acceptable to permit oneself to mast** while only working on stopping more "severe" sins.

Incidentally I'm sure you'll find people who will debate your premise that Mast** is in fact more severe then a zonah.  From a socially acceptable perspective clearly you are correct.

I'm not a rav and can't paskin the shealoh, but I will say that from a practical standpoint half measures don't generally work.  It's "the more you feed it the more you need it" theorey.  Giving in just a bit usually doesn't work, at least not for long.

The only situation I could imagine using masturbation for, is if you are about to do something worse and it's the only way you can stop yourself.

I will repeat my disclaimer that I am not a rav and don't really know the answer.

From the silence, it seems that I'm not alone in not knowing the answer.

Hello trying,

I think it was a goyish sage (green with big ears) who said;
"DO--- dont Try----There is no 'Try' "

In my opinion go ahead and pleasure yourself if that will keep you away from touching other women r"l.  I know for myself if i ever did that i could never go back to my wife. I dont know where your conscious has gone but it seems to have left you. You'de better find it soon. How dare you possibly share a disaease with your innocent wife, who can then kiss your children, pass it on to them, etc.

What if you have had it and given it to her years ago, and its now passed on to one or more of your newborn kids ??!!

There is no excuse, if you want to have any chelek in Olam Habah, never mind surviving this world, you need to call the hotline on GYe right away, tonight, go to an SA meeting and admit your problem. it will help you face what you have been hiding from yourself !!!

I think you have been covering up lots of inner pain and stress this way, and when you decide to abandon your drug, with the help here at GYE, your addiction, you need to say you are addicted, you will be ok for a few days or weeks and then the urge will hit you.

At that point you will have to tell yourself, NOW IS THE TIME TO START FEELING THE PAIN, INSTEAD OF COVERING IT UP WITH YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE.

I can assure you after just a few times of FEELING this pain, you will start to become a mensch again, but you gotta start NOW

NO TRYING....thats BS and you know it

In the next world we will be asked at the gates, " so why didnt you stop the tayvahs and Arayos?

You will answer, I wanted and tried so many times but I couldnt do it alone...

The Malach will respond, "Nu, so thats why we sent you the Guard Your Eyes website...."

There will be no more excuses then...

Mussar said with love, but no tolerance for any more Zon--hs

NEVER AGAIN, you hear me?,...NEVER...

HY