H2CN, I think as long as you leave out the details, you don't have to worry about triggering anyone.

Your long post was a good reminder of how silly we look when we look at our behavior objectively.  I think that is the point of the first step.  We seem to be able to rationalize anything and everything.  When we write it down on a piece of paper and share it, we see how sick we really are, and are ready to admit that we are in fact addicted.

Thanks for sharing!

I wish you continued hatzlacha in your recovery!

Have a great shabbos!

H2 - you are incredible.  Keep up the good work, and the good posting.

How could your wife not know, with the time and money this seems to involve?

Hello Holy Chevra,

Shavua tov!  missed the posting and reading over the weekend.  Had a lot of insights along my personal recovery path this weekend.  Here's a few - please let me know if these ring true:

1. I sensed something new (for me) about one of the classic splits about the luchos - one half adam l'makom, the other half adam l'chavairo.  This year I heard these two categories, differently than ever before -  as how we need to connect to help our Recovery:

a. Adam l'makom is how we need to surrender to Hashem, ask for Hashem's help repeatedly throughout the day, realize/believe that we NEED Hashem's help every moment to stop lusting/acting out.  Trying to say focused on recovery hishtadlus and away from any dust (avak) of lust, pushes us to  increase our relationship, our mental and emotional dependence on Hashem.  This can also, and should,  engender feelings of hakoras hatov, not self confidence, for each battle towards sobriety we win, be it big or small.

b. Adam l'chavairo is all about GYE and sharing with fellow addicts via SA/ SAA etc.  Its about telling the truth, and the comforting feeling to know that there are many other good souls out there who have found themselves fighting this terrible addiction.  It means no more secrets (at least not here), and more isolation.  That is a freeing and empowering feeling to know that we have this chevra and we can tell the truth to people who will understand.  I was zocha to be part of a recovery group yesterday that was very helpful to hear others with their own struggles as me.  The acting out was different - but the struggle was similar.  We need each other.

2.  Little triggers (in other words good looking women) are just about everywhere.  i went to a Yeshiva Dinner last night, and i realized i needed to look away, or walk away, repeatedly.  So its not just in the street - its even with our haliga frum women.  If someone just watched me - i would probably have seemed weird - closing my eyes a lot and making some sharp turns away from the crowd.  But i don't think anyone was - just a private battle.

3.  Black bigday asked how my wife didn't know and what about the cash.  Well most of my acting out was late at night.  or sometimes on the way home from work so easy to sneak in 30 extra minutes or so.  so much time in my daily situation that I basically can be 'unaccounted' for.  the cash was unfortunately a lot over time, but just sneak in with all the myriad other experiences - $100 here,  $200 there.  My wife and I  don't keep a super tight balance of monthly expenses (even though we should) and I would handle that any way.  Baruch Hashem  that she didn't find out !!!! - I hope and pray to recover without ever hitting that terrible bottom.  She deserves it.  I've posted before how devastating that would be - I'm sure many of us all face that in some degree.  If we haven't been caught yet - what a great motivator to stop now before we are!!!  please G-d!

Hatzlascha to all of you, my holy Chevra

H2CNOW

H2,
Thanks for the update.
Your commitment, and true recovery approach gladden my heart.
Shteig on bro!
Alex

Keep keeping it real!
Mottel

Have2changeNOW wrote on 13 Feb 2012 20:34:

Frum events are the worst!  I find it much more difficult than the goyishe prutza in the street.  You are not alone on this one by a long shot.

Gibbor 120, I am with you all the way. I would die in my wife's office - wall to wall chareidi women. Give me floor-length denim skirts and head scarves any day.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4608

Maybe they don't do this at yeshiva-type places, but it seems there is a growing practice in Modern Ortho shuls for women to whip out their "feeding machines" in very visible places!!  I don't entirely blame them, but at least cover it up a bit, or give us some warning!!  It's very awkward for a man when women feed their babies in public.  Plus now I have some visuals that I'd rather not have!!

Blind Beggar wrote on 14 Feb 2012 11:11:
gibbor120 wrote on 13 Feb 2012 22:18:


I totally agree. I think the inyan is that a goy is mufrach from our minds to be with her, but a religious woman, shes already close to our wives, has the same beliefs as me, shes already shayach to me. and if shes married she already knows what ... is
we have to get it into our minds that also they are mufrach from us because we will never be with them. tough work over there...

Just to be polite to my sweet friends here, this is to report that b"H all is well but I am taking a break from the forum for a while to focus on my own recovery. I will be checking email for PMs, though. The forum is just too much time for me to handle. Maybe for a few weeks, maybe a few months...no way to know, cuz it really is one day at a time. Love you!

Till then,

Dov

Well - i have to admit it - my addict is not soo picky - our haliga frum sisters look great - but a lot of other females ding my bell too. 

Here's a call out for some urgent advice /chizuk.  I need to work late on special project at my office tonight.  Its likely I'll be the only one hear for about 2 hours, and that means I'll be alone with my PC that has a filter - but i know the one or two websites that i can get to 'around' the filter.  I REALLY WANT & NEED TO STAY CLEAN - but I'm worried about this upcoming triggering event!  Seeking success tonight -  just to finish the project and go home happy that I keep away from the shmutz -  IY"H!!

Your recos please - will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you Chevra!
Have2change NOW
and stay clean in potentially tempting situation tonight!

Hi H₂CN

Keep in contact with a recovery buddy by chat or PM, reach out right away if you feel the urge.

Hatzlacha and KOMT!!!!!

(And stay away from the HCN!  ;D :o )

Gevura!

Dear H2CN,

I have advised many people to do waht i do and it works wonders. I listen all the time to holy words different sites lectures. Three I would recommend.

• The Shmiras eynayim clips. Took a few to get used to his style but great to listen to to keep me focused and eyes in the right place. I have about 60 classes downloaded onto my mp3 player and listen always. You can easily download one file and it opens to a bunch of clips. Try it out !!  http://guardyoureyes.com/component/zoo/item/windows-of-the-soul-group?category_id=159


• Theyeshiva.net  another great site you can listen direct from your computer while you work. You gotta keep the mind focused for those 2 hours only !!! One day at a time !!  search for the one called 'Vayechi-The seed of Yaakov' very relevant !!


• KolHalashon.com  I personally love Rabbi Avigdor Miller . you can search his name and start listening right click and save and you will be saved !!!!  From the Yetzer of course !!

If you do as I say you will be so interested you will forget about your nisayon.  DO NOT SIT IN SILENCE as 'he' will creep up on you !!!
I hope you get addicted to listening to these shiurim  !!!

No more excuses, hatzalacha !!

with love  ....  HY

If I feel an urge I come here.  I read about what someone else is dealing with, sometimes falling, hopefully winning, and then the feeling passes.  Good luck, brother.