Day 47: Shabbos was great. Busy. Clear headed. I am starting to get used to walking around without feeling guilty. Its liberating. At the same time I dont want to forget for a second, that all it takes is a few minutes to fall into the lowliest of garbage. So here I am. As every day. Acknowledging my weakness. With all that I have done in my life, and despite my beautiful family, assured destruction awaits the minute that I stop recognizing that the person i was could easily be the person I am. In an instant it can all disappear. I was remembering the first time I found "stuff" online. This was in the days before high speed internet. It took a long time for each page to load. Anyone remember those days? Even then I remember being shocked by what was available. Horrifies and fascinated. I remember the sick feeling of the pounding heart ans shaking hands. I remember the hours passing. 1am then 2am then 3am, with a beautiful and wonderful wife waiting for me upstairs, oblivious to the betrayal of my nights. And the guilt and regret. The moaning inside, "WHYYYYYYYYY DID i DOOOO THIS?????????" then the decision that this would surely be the last time. That is until the nest time. I would often start gagging as I got into bed just being nauseas from what I had done. I could cry thinking about it. Thanks for listening.

Our pleasure we are here for you as you are for us

realsimcha wrote on 27 Mar 2016 03:18:

I remember those nights all too well, The shame of getting into a bed with a wife who puts her arms around a husband who has just spent hours betraying her, oh man, what a twisted emotion that was

Thanks again RS for your wonderful shares and updates, and mostly your great attitude and kind words to all the folks 

realsimcha wrote on 27 Mar 2016 03:18:

Yes.

the feelings expressed on this thread remind me of this picture: 

Yes, I remember similar feelings in the past. Many of them. But in those days i didn't have a wife and i still felt like a piece of dirt. I am now B'H married and i beg of Hashem that i should not have those feelings. That i should just love my wife as i do now and not let anything get in the way of that love. I plead that i shouldn't give my up my love for lust and that i can crawl into bed not feeling guilty but instead elated that i got over lust in order to love others. Please Hashem may we use our kochos to love our friends, families, and of course Hashem. We should love LIFE and not give up that love for the fake love that porn offers and that "love" that just makes us go through life with guilt and pain!  

Day 48: Having some computer trouble so will have to keep it short. It is so helpful to me when you chevra respond in such an understanding way when I post "memories." I know that there is a specific place for that in the 12-step program but for me for now - while I am here - it is a healthy tool for me to stay focused. My computer broke last night. It was very frustrating for many reasons - not all the right reasons - but not all the wrong reasons either. It was clearly a test. I once read in a book by Rabbi Twersky - I dont rmember which - that when someone leaves rehab he wishes that something difficult would happen to him. As strange as that sounds, Rabbi Twersky believes that a person needs to have recovery in real life and unconditionally. So if its only when the easy stuff is going on that not called recovery. Of course life is not easy and I've had all kinds of struggles. But somehow this annoying thechnologically related annoyance was triggering for me. So here I am posting. And davening for the strength to overcome. I also was in the middle of reading a book when suddenly -- boom!!! -- all kinds of things that I should not be reading. Wow. You don't need a phone or computer to mess up. Books can do the job. More about that another time. Wishing you all "realsimcha"

Day 49: Just read Workingguy's 90 day post on his thread. Amazing. Go check it out. {Markz - can you but a link to it here?} One thing he wrote that I identify with so much is what he wrote about finding his mothers trashy books in the house. Been there!!! Done that!! I always wonder, what was she thinking??!?! How could she leave around the house books that describe sexual abberations in such graphic detail - where she had a young yeshiva bachur growing up? I remember standing there. In shock. Glued. Not believing what I was reading. Shrotness of Breath. Funny sensations from down below. Confusion. More Shock. Upset. .... and for some reason it took me twenty years to ask myself what on earth is wrong with her that she is comfortable reading that stuff herself. I will never ask her. But lesson learned. Check out my post from yesterday - i wrote about scenes in a book - now you know why thats such a sensitive topic for me. 

Day 50: 50 days ago if you would have asked, I would have told you how excited and proud I would be to be able to say that I am clean for 50 days without any hiccups. But today I dont feel super-proud. I dont feel like boasting. Firstly, I stand here in front of great warriors who have been clean for many times my fifty. But thats not even the point. The point is that the number 50 is the same as the number 5 and the number 500. It is a number that says that for today lust does not control my life. And I am grateful for that. But I am also humbled. I realize that it is only thanks to Hashems incredible kindness to me, and that without that kindness I could be a sicko who is so wrapped up in sex that he cant see past himself to even notice all the people in his life that he is hurting. I am grateful to Hashem that the past few weeks of my life have been very difficult, and Hashem taught me that p is not the answer to pain. That there is a different "p" - its called prayer. Thanks, Hashem. I am grateful to Hashem for my GYE friends who patiently read and cheer me on as I share dribs and drabs of my story. I am grateful that it didnt take my entire life falling apart for me to get here as it did for so many people. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a source of chizuk for others when I can and I pray that I shouldnt become a pontificating idiot who spouts stupidity for the sake of showing off. I am grateful for Yesod, Markz, Cords, Workingguy, BTBB, Shlomo24, Shemira, and so many others for your "thank you" notes, for your comments. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to meet Dov on this site and to learn from someone so thoughtful and real. I am going to continue to count, but as I do so day by day I realize more and more that its not about the count. Its about today. Thanks for listening.

I'm grateful for RS.

Shlomo24 wrote on 29 Mar 2016 15:19:

I feel the same way. Lately I was thinking that I'm getting to know some people on the forum through their story besides the "big guys" and when I saw RS's post, I thought- you know, I like the way he wrote.

Day 51: Firstly, thanks chevra for the chizuk. I cant tell you what it means to me. 

Today is hard. Yesterday, as the day wore on I had the beginnings of what could have turned out to be a fall or at least a slip. I have been under tremendous stress because several people that I am very close to have had some huge challenges of their own and I was carrying their burden along with my own and that plus being tired like anything [yup T again] just put me in a place that I am having a hard time getting out of. 

Thankfully I can identify the problem and hopefully the solution. I should not have been "carrying" their problems or mine. Hashem does that. I should be caring, helping, trying but ultimately I need to remember that we are not here to have all the answers and to solve all the problems. We are here to be vehicles of Hashem's will. This is especially important for me because I am a person who is so worried about what people think of me, and I am so self conscious of people noticing anything less than perfection in me. especially when it come to my job, and there are people around me who expect perfection. I am good at what I do but I am far from perfect. Some weeks are incredible and sometimes I am not as much on top of my game. And I need to stop judging myself based on my paranoid fears of what other people are thinking of me. So ... deep breath ... minute at a time .. accepting the limitations Hashem has given me ... not beign concerned about what others think of me - if they are even thinking of me at all!! - and ... letting Hashem do his thing -- he doesnt need a partner. Thanks for listening.

realsimcha wrote on 30 Mar 2016 13:02:

Yes, I have struggled both with my image and my expectations for myself. I couldn't get over the fact i needed to me close to perfect. My OCD plays very well when it comes to learning because I need to thoroughly know the sugyah, but it didn't play well when i came out not knowing it well or if others saw that i don't know it well. I think this "micro" problem of knowing the sugya well or not stemed from the "macro" problem of putting myself to near perfection in all area's and having a perfectly pristine image in general. I couldn't swallow the fact i'm not who i think i should be, deal with others realizing i'm not necessarily the image i set myself up to be, or the fact that i could't seem to be able to make sure everything is the way it should be. Maybe this played a role in acting out? Running away from life and it's imperfections i ran to a world of  "perfection" getting whatever i want and desire for. It took me a while to accept that i have limitations, that i need to stop focusing on my image, and that once i do what i can, i must trust that Hashem- not me, will make sure everything is the way it should be, whether i thing that is the way or not.

and RS.. its always a pleasure to listen to you!     

Day 52: A little trouble finding the energy to get the day started. This used to mean stalling with acting out or other ways of burying my head in the sand... Now its about taking it one minute at a time and trying to get the next thing done. I dont have to do it all. I know we hide our identities but I am not Superman.

A memory: I was 12 and riding my bike down the street. Another boy who was riding says to me, "hey. check out the picture hanging from the rear-view mirror in that car!" I ride down the block and look at the mirror. It was a picture of the top half of  a woman. Without clothes. I remember my breath getting caught in my throat. What on earth!?!??!? I felt so dirty and excited at the same time. I rode by again, trying to look and not to look at the same time [ever try to do that?] . I didnt have the tools do deal with the confusion I was feeling. The other kids thought it was funny. I didnt. It was deadly serious to me. Disgusting yet alluring, guilty yet exciting. I wish that I would have had the inner strength to discuss it with someone. To tell my father that I was feeling overwhelmed. I wish I would have realized that I didnt do anything bad and that some people are predisposed to getting overtaken by an image like that. I wish I could write about it today without feeling the same confusion in my heart as I am writing. As if I hadnt grown up at all. Thanks for listening.

Day 53: So i tried to stop watching videos almost completely. Trying to stop all actions that I use for "escape". Know what I mean? So I went to the library to take out some books. You know, those things that have actual pages and you turn them one by one as you read the printed type thats on them? Problem is that I have no problem getting lost in a book either. So if the title of the book is some version of how to live a healthier life the I'm ok, but I am also not so interested. If the title of the book is some version of "Air Force One in Danger!!!!" or some other such narishkeit, then I am spending too much time allowing myself to get sucked into another world. Last night I read instead of surfing. But I read for an hour and I had so much to do! My wife feels better about the reading than the watching. She feels like I am more present. Any thoughts chevra?