So here's the question, I have a filtered phone which does a good job of preventing access to schmutz, however, recently (again) in a moment of weakness I bought another phone which leads to acting out. Here's the dilemma...

Without it as a distraction and without  acting out, it become nearly impossible to control my fantasies and I then end up with extreme concentration issues and am at times barely functional.With it, it keeps the fantasies contained to a specific time and I can function the rest of the day at a lower baseline (At least that's what I tell myself).

I constantly repeat the cycle of buying a unfiltered device, and then getting rid of it only for it to become too much to handle and buying a new one.

The question I have is.
As a single guy, is there a way to rechannel those urges/fantasies in order to remain semi functional and to stop this cycle??


Looking forward to your replies.

Shalom Brother and welcome!

Since your main battle seems to be in your mind, gaining a new mindset regarding this struggle might help. I'd suggest reading The Battle of the Generation (available on Amazon and there is a PDF on GYE). https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

You can also reach out to a special mentor for advice, if you feel up for that. His username is HashemHelpMe (HHM) and he can be reached at michelgelner@gmail.com

While you work on a battle plan for the fantasies, it might also help to make some sort of shvuah that you will not buy a new phone without preexisting criteria and a knas if you don't keep to it. How to do this properly needs a bit of guidance. I'll link a thread with more details.
As a basic example, if you feel like buying a phone, you commit to call a friend/mentor, talk to them at least 5 minutes, and wait 1 hour, or else pay $X to tzedaka (an amount that is hard but must be doable).
https://app.guardyoureyes.com/toolbox/tools/the-taphsic-method

You can break free from this cycle. Stick around, learn some tools, and most importantly make some friends that we may support each other in beating this yetzer hara.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Hey,

    I'm 22 and single as well and have been able to break free to some extent. It may seem to you that your fantasies get more out if control when not "contained" but it's actually the complete opposite. When you feed your fantasies in that "contained" time your actually taking away control from yourself. This is psychological warfare. 
    When you get a fantasy try not to focus on it and force it out, just acknowledge and dismiss it without actually focusing on it. After a little while you'll realize that these fantasies will come less frequent and less potent. 

    Try not to think of the struggle as such a monstrous task, try to keep it to each day. If you get an urge or want to buy another phone then try to tell yourself that your not going to do it today. Each day is it's own challenge. The past happened and the future hasn't, you can't change what happens except for in the moment, so in the moment of the struggle tell yourself not now, now in this moment  I am going to beat this nisoyon. This is the concept of ODAAT- One Day At A Time. A lot easier said than done of course but with the right mindset it gets easier each day. Not easy but easier.

    Also what's your motivation to get clean? Sometimes that helps to remind yourself why the effort is so worth it. My personal reasons to get/stay clean is so that I can be free and be able to be an amazing husband and father devoted to his wife and children.
    At a certain point of progress you will realize how amazing it is to be free with your thoughts in check and you not objectifying women. If what you meant when you said as a "single guy" that married men have it easier bc they have the ability to have a kosher outlet then your partly wrong on that part. Ill explain just in case thats what you were implying.
    When you use the sexual relationship with your wife as a way to release your taavos then its just a thing of lust and taking, when married there is a sharing of intimacy (intimacy ≠ sex) which is what builds the love in the relationship, if you use the sexual part of the relationship as something to feed your Lust then it will take away from the intimacy of your relationship with your wife which can/will lead to taking away from the love. If the sexual relationship is something at the peak of intimacy then it can help a person with his taavos because he covets the connection/intimacy/Love with his wife more than anything Lust can provide. (Remember I am single so if I am wrong please edit/remove/respond to this part of the post) Remember, Lust kills Love- Dov

Sorry for the tangent I would suggest talking to HHM for a better understanding.

Life is so much better when not being controlled by Lust. Whenever we give in to Lust even when we think that we are "containing" it, we are just giving it more control over us.

Don't forget to ask Hashem for help in the moment!!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

My friend, you can learn to stop fantasizing. It's a skill, but it you can learn it.
If Chancy is here, please post the basic mehalach
If you want, feel free to reach out to the email in my signature. It'll be my pleasure to explain more

soaringswan wrote on 17 Nov 2024 13:19:

Welcome chaver!

Some great comments and replies.

I just want to point out that one thing we often tell ourselves is that the urges build up and I need to release them or who knows what will happen?!

This is a terrible lie, and also a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Stressing out about how I need to get that release is exactly what makes us not functional until we get that release.

Giving in to the urges does not get rid of them. Oh sure, it temporarily calms you down. But all it does is reinforce those desires and behaviors so that next time the urge will be that much stronger.

Yes, fantasies can be dealt with. Wiser people than me can explain how (and I highly recommend connecting to Muttel for a schmooze about that). But an important part of dealing with fantasy is distraction - don't focus on how you can't stop thinking about these things. That is only keeping you thinking about it (what a nasty trick of the yetzer, no?). Instead, have other engaging things prepared to think about (torah is great but only if it truly engages you - people have had success with sports, music, novels etc.) And then stop beating yourself up for what pops into your head. You are truly not responsible for what comes into your head. Forgive yourself, distract yourself, and move on. 

Buying devices, binging, then destroying them is a pretty familiar (and sick) cycle for many of us. The way forward is much easier than you think. I highly recommend working on the Flight 2 Freedom program and connecting to one of the amazing mentors who hang out here.

Hatzlacha. Looking forward to seeing you soar!

Hi! This is a post from Chancy somewhere ( I have it saved in a special file)

ויאמר טשאנסי:
I really feel your pain, I used to be exactly like you. What you are doing is called white knuckling. It means you are trying to force every bit of lust out of your mind. Let me help you there. IT.WILL.NOT.WORK!!! 
the more you fight it, the more power you give it, and your brain will keep on coming up with ways to arouse you because it sees that you really want it...... its like queezing a tight baloon filled with flammable material over a burning fire, the more you squeeze it, the more holes it will get and just increase the fire! 
What you can do based on my experiance is to take a time out and take a few minutes to make a few things clear. 
1. You enjoy the feeling of desire and lust- its a fact that you cannot and will not change. 
2. You are normal and not sick, this has been the human condition forever! 
3. You do not want to use that desire in a bad way, obviously or you wouldnt be here on GYE..... so you know what you dont want.
4. You can understand where the feeling of desire comes from and you are ok with the fact that its there, since you cant fight it anyway, just make place for it. so you are not in a fight with the actual desire anymore, that would be like fighting with your left hand because you want 2 right hands..... its there, just accpet that fact. 
5. Now you can decide what to do when you see something that arouses you. You can think, i know i have desire and i understand it and i cant fight it, however, i dont want the desire to carry me away and then i will do something stupid that i will regret, and therefore, i am moving on from the desire and not continuing to pour oil on it. 

This has been tremendously helpful for me, if you follow this for a few days/weeks, you will see a big difference, for example, that thing with the cute video, you couldve acted like this " my mind is telling me to get aroused by that image, i understand why im getting aroused becuase my brain is desperate for some stimulation and i appreciate my brain for working so hard to make me feel good, but I am a erliche yid and a good person and husband who doesnt want to take pleasure in that way and therefore i am moving on to something else, without guilt or blame and disgust