Day 88 ב"ה

simchastorah wrote on 23 Jan 2025 06:03:

I was just Chazzering this terrific post. 

Wanted to accentuate a point.
Tahara isn’t merely defined as a lack of TUMAH. It’s rather a positive in and of itself. When a guy is merely staying away from negativity, there’s a more limited sense of accomplishment and self-worth in the accomplishment. When you know you’re building a beautiful Binyan of clarity, purity, elevation, and a sense of higher living- that’s worth building. And someone truly worth enjoying being. 

KOMT

חיים

(ויש להביא כמה ראיות ליסוד הנ״ל, דטהרה אינו רק סילוק הטומאה אלא מציאות בפני עצמו, לדוגמא מה שמצינו ענין הטבילה במקוה לתוספת קדושה, אף דכ׳ התוס׳ בנדה פרק התינוקת שהטבילה אינו אלא הכשר ולא מצוה, וגם טבילות כה״ג ביוה״כ׳ יוכיח, וענין טבל ולא החזיק ועוד ,ואיכמ״ל)

chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2025 20:37:

Yehuda v'od l'kra.

This yesod R' CO is sharing was very helpful for me. I never connected with TBOTG approach of feeling looking away as an important and positive act bringing me closer to Hashem. It just never clicked.

But this idea did click. The idea that day to day life is so much more pleasant when I'm not acting out that it goes from "not doing something" to a whole nother level. It becomes an active tahara that is a deeply enjoyable experience.

I don't like calling it "tahara", since that gets into religious stuff above my pay grade. I like calling it freedom.
Some people call it serenity.
Whatever you call it, it's something worth putting in the effort to feel.

Day 89 ב"ה

I feel like garbage today. Like I just want to die. I don't think there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better. This is my life. Sometimes I feel like an utter piece of garbage. גם זה יעבור. But in the meantime it sucks. Maybe one day I will never feel this way. It happens less and less often as I get older. I feel like there's an inferno of sadness in my heart that has the כח to just consume me.

"It's the satan trying to bring me down because I'm almost at 90 days." -- quote from future well meaning person

There is no way of verifying that without a נביא. And these feelings come and go, sometimes caused by something seemingly small, sometimes something very big, and sometimes with no discernible reason at all. My mother suffers from depression, as does one of my brothers. I have no doubt that the satan is involved, but no one knows exactly what his mahalach is. Besides, I don't think I'm excited enough about 90 days for the satan to try and jump on me about it.

Here on GYE we experience each other user as a username and whatever we can glean about them from their posts. Everyone writes in the same font, displayed in the same way on the computer. But the reality is that behind each username is a unique person, who may be experiencing life in a vastly different way from you. Some people like to give advice about how others should see things, and sometimes with great passion, but without realizing that while english is their shared language they are living a very different life.

Sometimes the most well meaning statements are the ones that make me feel the most alone.

Oy Dear Brother,

What would you say to a hug from a touched friend, right where you are, right now?

BenHashemBH wrote on 31 Jan 2025 10:58:

Tbh when I feel this way I want to be alone with a glass of whiskey. But I appreciate the thought

On a lighter note, here's a conversation my wife and I had with our 6 year old son:

"You know at the toy store they don't just have toys. They also have lots of costumes. Of Moshe and Ahron and of a Nazi!"

"Umm, oh interesting"

"Ya, a Nazi with a bow-and-arrow!"

"I don't think the Nazi's used bow and arrows, maybe it was an Indian?"

"Oh ya, an Indian!"

simchastorah wrote on 31 Jan 2025 08:26:

אל תשיבנו ריקם מלפניך 
please don’t leave me feeling empty and worthless

Hi Simchastorah, 

Just wanted to let you know from a guy who has felt the same way for my whole life - I understand you. For most of my life I was trying to find ways to end it so I could get out of the addiction - I felt bipolar since I am inherently a very sensitive and spiritual person, A+ all grades, davening and learning and very close connection to Hashem, the whole deal. I couldn't make peace with my existence in this world causing pain to others.
I am only alive due to nissim galuyim. 

And I am very much alone - I take care of my wife's health and 5 kids all day, so I don't go to shul 2 blocks away or see anyone in the rapidly growing community I was very much a part of building. And I could never really explain to anyone my wife's spiritual journey or the challenges it has made for me - so I feel alone from my wife as well.

Any my future aspirations are hampered by incredible challenges, within and without.

I don't need the pity party, my point here is to say I understand you.

And - Hashem and the world needs you. The proof is that you are alive today. So we all here are depending on you to not give up, ever. 

I just hit 90 days, and there was no thunder or lightning, and didn't feel like it moved the needle much in my relationship. But it told me I can beat this disease that has been killing me since I was 7 yrs old. I don't know if I can beat it forever, but if I can do 90, I can do 91, and hopefully 180.

Reach out to PM if you need to vent or you need a hug.

Listening and caring. 
Even if we can’t really share the depth of a soul with another, certainly not in this medium, still, the touch of a warm hand makes one less lonely than not touching does, or at least that’s how it’s been for me. 
I’ve been there or at least what felt similar at times. 

Hoping and daven for you that Shabbos brings some Menucha inside. 

your friend 
המצפה לחיים

simchastorah wrote on 31 Jan 2025 08:26:

While I can't empathize with this, I can sympathize. I'm sorry you have this exceedingly tough pekel.

I'm sure you know this. But maybe it's kdai to talk to therapist about this. There's things that can be done (or at least attempted) to alleviate things like this.

Hatzlacha.

Disappointment is very understandable, and we all need to grieve at times. As you exit that phase and thank Hashem for 89 days, ask Him for more.

Day 90  ב"ה!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2025 21:05:

This must have been a misunderstanding, there was no fall. Just was feeling depressed on Friday and posted about it.