Shalom to all the courageous members of GYE, who deal with this nisayon that so many struggle with, bravely admitting to their issues and doing everything that they can to overcome it. I had a different thread in the past, but have not been active on it for a long time. I have been struggling recently and what I have tried has not helped. I have a filter, accountability with HHM, and have delved deeply into my inner life to try and understand the roots of my struggle. I daven passionately to Hashem in every way I know how to help me, but alas I find myself falling again and again.

My hisbonenus for today is to be mischazek in the emuna that Hashem has infinite koach and He can overcome my yetzer no problem. And הבא ליטהר מסייעין אותו. And that any voice in my head that tells me I'm bound to fail, אינו אלא רוח שטות. As some explain the the רוח שטות is this thought itself, that I don't have the power to overcome the yetzer.

Yesterday I fell three times and by the end of the day I felt like I was living in hell. I finished a productive and meaningful morning seder and walked home davening to Hashem to help me not to fall. By the time I got home I felt that I had the chizzuk I needed to not fall. Even with being mchuzak I fell and wasted much precious time throughout the day trying to find cracks in my filter to squeeze out whatever filthy content I could. 

But אסור להתייאש and I am absolutely committed to not being מתייאש.

I am committing bli neder to posting here every day until I have 30 days clean from porn and masturbation.

Wow! Your perseverance and commitment sound amazing. 

Do you mean you have an accountability filter with HHM? 

Yes I have truple

simchastorah wrote on 04 Nov 2024 10:39:

Thank you for the honest share. I identified quite strongly with having that feeling of "now I got this" only to minutes later turn right back around and step right back into hell. It's painful. But it doesn't mean that you can't change.

Those are some powerful tools you are using. It sounds like you've been around the block on GYE and have put in a lot of effort. Just to throw out an option - have you ever spoken to Dov or anyone about SA? Maybe listening to Dov's 12 step workshops (links in my signature) is worth a few minutes of your time to see if it's something that sounds like it could be helpful.

chosemyshem wrote on 04 Nov 2024 13:47:

Thank you. I listened to most if not all of Dov's 12 step workshop recordings when I first joined GYE, though maybe I should listen again. I considered SA briefly a couple of years ago, but at the time HHM recommended against it. When I first joined GYE I stayed clean for 180 days with little effort, and from conversations with HHM he seems to think that's clear indication of not having SA level addiction. (Correct me if I'm wrong Rabbi Gelner)

Correction, it was not with little effort. A tremendous amount of effort went into it. What I meant to say was without having overwhelming urges

BH yesterday was clean. I felt very strong urges before I posted but posting helped to calm it down

Not really sure what to post about, so I will just share my thoughts. The Rambam compares תורה to אשה, and says that מחשבות זנות are found only in a לב which is פנוי from חכמה. 

דהיינו the חכמה is תופס the same place in לב as זנות. The פסולת of אברהם who personifies חסד and אמונת היחוד is ישמעאל who took ט קבין זנות. So the בחינה of חכמה which is מפקיע from זנות is חסד - יחוד. Through תורה it's מתגלה to the אדם that the true nature of reality is a singular המשכה of חסד which is completely one with Hashem. This is מפקיע from the perception of the false אחד wherein I am the center of reality, and everything is here to be משלים me, which is זנות.

May Hashem give me chizzuk to see the world through true eyes, eyes that see that the אחד of the world is Him and not me, and through that to be מתרחק from זנות, which will give me holier eyes, to be זוכה in ותחזנה עינינו ויחזור חלילה

My friend, I am feeling for you.
Please excuse my point if it's off base...

I noticed that in your original post you mentioned accountability with HHM, a filter, and delving into your inner life, however, you didn't mention friends.
Have you tried making some GYE friends? I personally, among many others, have this tool very powerful.
(I'm referring specifically to friends and not mentors. Friends that you can call or text when you just need a pick me up, or just need to shmooze, rant, vent, or just plain grump...)

proudyungerman wrote on 05 Nov 2024 13:04:

Not at all off point. I have spoken with a number of GYE guys, and I have found it helpful. My first long clean streak with GYE was very much catalyzed by speaking with someone on GYE who had one year clean after seriously struggling and that really inspired me to get clean myself. Outside of GYE I have a number of friends that I can speak to about it, but have not done so much lately. 

I think you are right, I should be speaking to peers about it too, thanks for pointing it out

Bh today is day 3. Two days has me with a 'clean' feeling. I know that sometimes when I have a clean feeling my YH tells me that now it's ok, that now that I'm not feeling enclothed in filth it wouldn't be so bad to have just one little celebration. Hashem help me to see through the nonsense.

Bh today is day 4. 

I'm currently in danger. My wife is taking a nap and left her phone around, and I can use it to remove the filter temporarily from my computer. Technically I could use her phone to access p*** too but b'h I have never crossed that line so I remain גדור. Every since I discovered that there is a way to completely turn off the filter there has been a crouching beast inside waiting to pounce on the opportunity to use it. I currently have that opportunity.

It is amazing how quickly I forget the actual misery that doing this thing causes me. On Sunday I felt like I was living in hell from doing it, and now I'm under attack from my inner enemy who tells me it would be the most magical thing in the world.

There's pashut a disconnect with reality that enables this behavior. When it comes to a nisayon it's like someone pulled the plug out of my brain and made everything I know inaccessible to my heart.

Just by posting, you've got yourself a little bit out of danger, yes you are in a dangerous situation please keep strong, but do yourself the biggest favor and stay here with us, read through a bunch of different threads, post whatever you want, and maybe also call someone to shmuz, {if that's possible}.

Don't You won't let yourself fall, just let us know when the danger has passed how it went, we're all praying for you.

Keep it up and keep us posted.
With love akiva