I've never felt lower in my life.
when I was 15 after watching for a whole year my parents helped me so much and I reached 5 years of freedom and then I fell once and got back up for a year and then fell again and had 6 months off and again fell and a nother 6 months and now for the past 6 months I've been falling almost once a month and last night I was so so so close to beating a urge and reaching the 30 day mark(Wich in itself is a joke wth was 30 days to me only a year ago it was child's play) anyway I falled and I cried like never before I'm so down I can't put it in to words barley got out of bed I feel just like a shell walking around and the real me somewhere else, lost somewhere and I know I need to tell my parents cause who can help me like they can but also who would be so disappointed as they would be
I don't really know what to do or say I'm sick and tired of this, I thought I won this and was over with it and here I am again I just can't deal with it anymore I feel like it's stronger then me like it's a joke to even try cause il there will be a time when it crushes me

i am so sorry for you pain. I understand that you are disappointed when you thought this nisayon was over and you found out that it is not.
please do not despair. every effort that you make to overcome brings tremendous nachas to hashem. you are not a failure, you need to try to focus on how much you are resisting instead of focusing on the times that you fall. You can walk around proud of the fact that you are trying to fight this. These struggles are not a nuisance in our life, they are the reason for life and the opportunity for tremendous growth. Don't beat yourself up. seize the opportunities.

best wishes for continued hatzlocha
vehkam

It's funny your username is Rocky because when I read this post I pictured that iconic scene of Rocky Balboa training and he runs up the steps of that museum in Philly and does that weird little air punching dance at the top.

You should feel bad about your fall.

For like 15 seconds. This was enough feeling bad. You're not a wicked person, you're not a loser, you're not even losing. You're a normal young man dealing with normal young man stuff and you've fought enormously hard. 

Feeling down about falling is a classic way to fall more. As HHM likes to say, "shmatteh's masturbate" (and by the way, I don't know if you're talking to anyone off the site but definitely consider getting in touch with him). You're a normal guy. Your five years clean didn't evaporate because you masturbated a couple times.

You can and will win this fight. That being said, thinking about being clean forever is not helpful. Because forever is a really long time, and that seems like an impossible task. Just worry about being clean today. What can I do today to help me stay clean today? The future is future you's problem.

I strongly suggest you read through the excellent book the Battle of the Generation (link in my signature). Reframe this fight. You're not a loser who won't win. Getting beaten around a bit in the early rounds is just part of the fight to greatness. You're the unbeatable Rocky, and this fight is your chance to show it. 

Keep on boxing and trucking!

Sorry brother for your pain. 

Oftentimes the feeling of worthlessness is a tactic the YH uses to bow us out of the race. 

TBH, I envy you! 5 full years!!! WOW! I'm just trying to make it to my first year after a decade in the mud. I think your previous precious milestones are a real stepping stone to ultimate freedom (if it exists). I believe those milestones prove what incredible strength you possess.

MAke those accomplishments your focus. You're truly unbelievable. And BeH you'll be outta the ditch!!!

Get that engine roaring...

rocky21 wrote on 03 Sep 2024 16:20:

Hard to feel that shame and guilt....

I was clean for 12 years and fell hard... again and again.... until I came here.

GYE is where HOPE is!!! 

If I can be audacious, I'd recommend reaching out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com). He's helped hundereds, me included....

Keep your chin up buddy, it'll be"h get better,

Feel free to reach out to me at my email below, or shoot a text,
Muttel

Thank you so much I liked this part a lot
"You can walk around proud of the fact that you are trying to fight this. These struggles are not a nuisance in our life, they are the reason for life and the opportunity for tremendous growth"
Because I really feel like I piece of garbage when I talk to women especially and think of only they knew what I watch they would run away from me

Thank you very much for thos awesome response 
Loved it really