Hi!
I've been here on GYE for a bit over a year already, and I have had ups and downs, periods of tremendous hatzlacha (90+ days clean) and unfortunately yeridos as well. You can look up my previous postings to hear my story.
I have been in a rough period recently, and had a fall last night. I feel bad about myself, like I am a horrible person and I will never get out of this terrible addiction. Something I noticed, since joining GYE, my falls have been much more extreme, watching more explicit stuff than I used to watch (possible to compensate the growth I have already made). BH I know who to turn to when I am feeling this way- looking for chizzuk from you guys!
How do you do it? Will I ever be like you, fully set free? I know it will take time and effort, but I have been working on it over a year, tried many of the strategies, and I am giving it my best. Gonna give it another swing (again...) but how do I know I will ever be free, and how do I look at myself in the mirror?

Sorry for your struggles. Please feel free to contact me via private message or the email in my signature. Many of us have been in your position. You will iyh get out of this.

That's amazing that you are having so much Hatzlacha, even with the ups and downs (90 days clean!!! WOW that's amazing!!). 

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON!!! AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON PERSON!! You are a tremendously special person being that you are fighting the fight!!!  Please, please look yourself in the mirror tonight and tell yourself-- "hashem loves me and for good reason too--BECAUSE I"M AMAZING"!!!

Lastly, you will get out of this addiction, I promise you! Stick around and we'll all do this together!

I read through your profile. It seems like you only had a few falls in the past year. If you compare this to previous years before you joined GYE my guess is that this was a real achievement. This doesn't take away from your concern that you are still falling periodically. How far did you get in the Flight to Freedom program and have you done all the exercises in the program? Do you have a good filter on your devices?

You mentioned triggers of stress and boredom. Do you have solutions for these triggers that work other than the Taphsic method? For me socializing with other people, discussing my stressors with other people and exercise resolve stress and the urge goes away. For boredom, finding things that I enjoy doing has worked. Also, when you feel triggered and you are at risk of falling it can help to reach out to someone on GYE.

Maybe share with us a little bit more about your struggles so that maybe together we can find solutions. Worst case scenario is that you will need the 12 steps phone conference or SA at some point but eventually, if you give it all you have, you will be a free man.

   I too saw myself getting into more explicit pornography. Its one of the reasons I stopped. 

  May I ask if you are trying to be clean forever or for today?
  We can only control today so let's focus on today. The past happened and the future hasn't. What we do today dictates what happens in the future. 
  You don't climb a flight of stairs by just getting to the top smoothly. You have to take each step individually, or maybe a few at a time if you have the strength, but you still have to pass each one.
   It's kind of the same with Lust. We take each day at a time and not the whole 90 days (or whatever number) bc jumping to the future is impossible, but each day adds up to 90+
   This is a key mindset to be clean. It breaks down our task and makes it manageable. This is the tool of ODAAT which is One Day At A Time.

    Also another thing that really helps is getting a filter. Is there something stopping you from getting one? 

Hi there Remaining!
The guys here had some great points. Listen to them closely! Especially Yiftach's
It's really important to keep reminding yourself that all of the people here who have broken free have in the past been in similar places to where you are right now. And just like they broke free, so can you!
I'd just add one point. Maybe you have already, but if you haven't, reach out and connect with some people who have successfully broken free. Try Yiftach. Or Proudyungerman. Or Muttel. Trust me, you will not regret it!

Keep it up!

Hi, Shalom again!! 

We’ve been in touch, and I’m happy to continue to be. I’ll echo the sentiments of the other good folks here in emphasizing that your falls do not negate the good work that you’ve done, and the growth that you’ve accomplished. Nevertheless, a fall isn’t ok, and I can feel your frustration and pain to get so far and then fall back again. Here’s a warm hand….

I just want to make the point that you seem to have had a pattern of disconnecting from GYE when things are on a steady path. I’d recommend staying in touch with GYE and the good folks here specifically while you aren’t slipping. The awareness that being connected brings helps keep you in that place. And the connection helps counter  the factors that drive you to dance in the edge of the “red zone”, so you dont have to get there…

As Eerie is suggesting, a phone call can go a long way, too, in helping. 

There is light on the horizon, 
and LIFE, 
Chaim Oigen 

Just to add the to the chorus, welcome (on your own thread at least)! Though you’re here longer than me……

To echo chaimoigen’s sentiment, falling is horrible. I’ve been where you are, feeling tremendous disgust for the guy in the mirror who can’t control himself from doing the most idiotic things, and he won’t leave me alone! As soon as the end comes, we see with perfect clarity that falling is poison; if only we’d see that before…..

However, as others have said, breaking free is within reach! Staying in touch, and working on understanding why you don’t want to fall, and what you can put in place, davka when you’re in a better spot, is key to long term sustainable success. 

Im also happy to connect, as are others here greater than me. Might I also suggest you reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com)? He’s helped many make life changes, me included. Being in touch with one GYE member doesn’t negate being in touch with more…..

Connection beats addiction. Really.

With best wishes for your sustained success,
Muttel

Welcome!
You CAN beat this monster, and בעזרת ה you WILL!
As CO is wont to say, GYE means hope...

I want to just echo what everyone has been saying, that it can be very helpful to be in constant touch with friends from GYE.
I personally have benefitted tremendously from it.

I also want to encourage you to reach out to HHM, the mentor-in-chief of the forum. 
He helped me be able to look in the mirror for the first time in my life and be able to say to the person looking back, honestly and without cringing: "I am a good person." 
The first time I tried to do it, I had a very hard time getting it out, and I actually choked up trying. B"H I am in a better place now, and I CAN look in the mirror and say to myself, as I look at the reflection, I am a good person.

P.S. Eerie always forgets to tell people that he is also a great person to get in touch with. I know because I talk to him all the time.  
He is one of the nicest, warmest people I've ever met...
He might get upset at me for saying this but that's too bad...on him

Welcome Remaining!
It is still a welcome, even though you have been here for more than a year already.

Most of us here can relate to your feelings of feeling bad about yourself. I myself came here thinking I was the worst רשע in the world since the Mabul. I also thought that I would never get out of this. I tried so many times and I never got that far.

After coming here and realizing that there are others in the same situation as myself and after talking to a few of these wonderful heroes and even meeting a few, I came to realize that I (like them) am a regular person with regular normal struggles and I just need some encouragement to get past these struggles.

Even after being here for a while, I still thought that my struggles are unique and nobody will ever understand me.

That is now changed. I have spoken to some people and recently I shared a specific struggle with someone here and he told me "I did that". That was a real 'WOW' moment. I am truly normal, like the others here that have gotten past it!! I can do this!
I still need to work on my mindset to be stronger and cleaner, but that is the work of life. Also, now I know I have friends that can give me real ideas to get there.
Seeing the progress that others have made here, should hopefully give you the strength to be able to get the knowledge you need to get there too. Get to know the Oilam here, they we will feel you for who you really are and not judge you for what you have done. And more than that, they we will be here to work with you to get to be the real person you really want to be.

(feel free to reach out, either via pm or email)

Thanks guys! I really needed that pick up!
I think a bit of what you are all saying is true. I have a filter, but I can really use an upgrade, something much stronger. Although I went through the F2F program a year ago, I could probably use a review. And I need more practice with my plan. Also CO hit it on the nail again, I need to stay connected even when things are going well- that's my weakest time. 
With a bit of time and patience, I can and will break free!
I am still suffering a bit with my self esteem now, and can still use some chizuk in that area. Its really hard after a fall and trying for so long.

Yup, been there brother... the self-loathing is crushing... It's almost like I'm the absolute worst guy to live (maybe Hitler, ימ"ש was worse) and I'm the world's idiot for falling for such stupid junk, etc ect...

Keep your chin up, brighter days are ahead....

With much brotherly love,
Muttel