Well these attitudes worked really well in geula today, my lust disappeared, until the woman i last acted out with contacted me today....
So many mixed feelings, I said no for now, but not aft er schmoozing and catching up...
She will probably call again tomorrow, the only weapon I have is my desire to stop lusting
There is more to the story than simply acting out together, the whole way we got to know each other and our joint business ventures.
My sponsor said to commit to 24 hours... but part of me says I already fell,another part says to go for it...
BTW its not the sexual experience or the lusting fantasy that is getting me in its grip it's the feeling of someone is into me...
Pesach Sheni Special: Feel free to give feedback down below!

Rooting for you!

parev wrote on 22 May 2024 20:59:

Is staying in contact with this woman holding on to a "hidden bottle"?

Hey, sounds rough. 
I think the realization that you wrote above is probably very valuable… Do you think maybe this could be connected ti why you’re attracted to act out with real people? 

Feeling for you. 
Rmember - the sobriety of this individual day is valuable. It isn’t effected by the past or the future. 

Hang on, friend. 

parev wrote on 22 May 2024 20:59:

Ouch, all I can say is, I really feel for you, brother. 
I’ve never been through this particular test, and can only imagine how alluring this must be. Your ability to hold back is amazing, and I honestly look at you and think “Hashem, look at your Tzadikim, look at R’ Parev who’s holding back! Please, help him, and help us, and bring us a step closer towards fulfillment of our tafkid in conquering the YH”!

with much love and admiration,
Muttel

Thank you everyone for that feedback.
She's not a hidden bottle as I have no way of putting her in the bin [garbage]. Speaking to her is like an alcoholic in a bar...

Muttel - seeing that in print and reading it is a big chizzuk - Thank you!

STOP PRESS:
Due to my obsessivity, I disabled the karma feature! 
Keep Trucking 

parev wrote on 23 May 2024 12:42:

I missed pesach sheni but I hope you don't mind me following up on this. Thanks for the translations of the British english. But why don't you have a way of binning her? I don't face your flavor of struggle . But if I find a hole in my filter I try to patch it. Can't patch them all, but why leave one open? 

Why can't you send a breakup text to this bottle? Something like: "Hey girl, you are a really great person and I have a lot of respect for you. As you may know, I struggle with sexual addiction. It's a sickness that I need help healing from. It's not healthy for me to interact with you right now. (OPTIONALLY: Because ur so awesome, I want to able to count on your help to get over this. Right now, the best help you can give me is to not let me interact with you.) Thank you and I wish you all the best." 
Then block her number.
(For an inspirational example, see Vehkam or Lizhensk.)

It's brutal. It's tough. But getting clean is like surgery: painfully, bloodily, and messily cutting pieces out of your body; and needed to save your life.

If I block her number I need to have it saved on my phone - a real hidden bottle
She knows that I don't want but she also knows that I am susceptible to seduction...
Actually that's why I answered her - coz I didnt know it was her...

Thanks for the feedback!
Pesach Sheni - Bosar Haoriginal post ozlinan]

chaimoigen wrote on 23 May 2024 04:05:

Love this line.

long time no write 
shabbos was nice, no particular lust hits except twice when i had to surrender taking a second look.
just cheking in altough i have more to say
לכבוד התנא אלקי ר שמעון בר יחאי

I really need to check in EVERY DAY, a lot going though....
I had this sudden urge to reach out to that woman [obviously not to act out etc etc]
Lemaase, JUST then I received a phone call that made me feel a million dollars [not enough to make me feel a million pounds though :) ]
The urge passed, but I don't know what to do about this long term...
A month sober -  time to restart working the steps

What about texting/calling a friend when the urge comes?

Muttel

Sharing with others is a good tool to help surrender - if one has the willingness to surrender
Question is how to constantly have that want and not slip...
End of day check in
I really see the difference of coming in here and not, it takes a lot of time but its worth it...
Spoke to my sponsor hopefully will restart the steps tomorrow.

Kudos to you

i tip my cap your way - I can’t see myself surviving the tests you face…

muttel