Welcome back buddy. May Hashem help you in all your positive refocusing - may you be zoche to great menuchas hanefesh.

I am a Big Journal Guy.. I love to journal my thoughts and then come back to them over a period of time and look and analyze them. I have been doing it for about five years now on paper and on an app called DayOne. This is also a form of journaling and looking back on past posts and comments can shine a light on the progress or non-progress that you are making. 

I spent some time yesterday looking back through my paper journals from just before COVID and during it and then briefly scanned the books and pages of the subsequent years to see if I could get a glimpse of if I have made any significant progress in the last five years.

What I found was startling. I promise I will not bore you with a “life of Adam” recap, but I did want to point out that I have had an amazing and interesting five years. 

I lost my Father in Law to COVID, I sat in my house for months after working 60 hour weeks for 30 years,  I saw my youngest daughter Graduate from College (something that I never did), I sold my home of over 20 years, moved to the beach, made two incredible trips to Israel, Married off my oldest daughter, semi-retired from my career.. Let me stop and say that the last five years were very busy and influential in making me who I am today.

I looked for constants during this period, other than loving my wife and kids and staying away from the drugs that ravaged my early adulthood I found that not being able to control my P+M addiction is the one thing that has not wavered. As I have documented on here, my struggles are like many of yours. I have good days, weeks, even months and then I fall back into the filth and sewerage of the modern world.

I ask myself, what causes this? What do I not have any control over this part of my life? I have tried GYE is a voyeur and as an active participant. I have read the BOTG ad nauseam, Yes, I have NOT made the call to HHH (still working on that LOL).

I thought that being more observant would help in this problem. I have been eating only Kosher foods for a few years, I have wrapped Tefillin daily for almost 20 years now. I pray everyday, give tzedakah at a level that I can’t imagine ever doing and yet nothing changes.. A few good days, maybe a week of so, then back in the sewer. 

I have gone the other way as well, I quit eating Kosher, I have not wrapped in over a month, Have not opened my siddur in weeks, I don’t have the heart to tell my learning buddies in Israel that I am not interested in any of the topics we discuss. I go through the motions in order not to offend them, but I think they are catching on.

But P+M remain constant. One of the only stable things in my life, something I can count on to make me feel better, if only for a few fleeting moments. At what point do I just admit and say that it won, I give up? Maybe I would not feel as guilty, maybe all the other good things in my life are “good enough” to please HaShem. 

Is it better to eat Kosher and pray daily and do mitzvot and still participate in P+M or is it an all-or-nothing choice? 

I think that part of my not being around here as much anymore is the fact that I am sick of feeling like a loser and get embarrassed by the fact that I can’t do what many of you are doing. I see these streaks and say “There is no way I could ever do that” and feel bad about it. I am wholeheartedly happy for all of you that have made great strides in this department. I am not jealous, I am really happy for you!!

I will end this long rant with a Thank You for taking the time to read it. I don’t know what is next for me, this is not a cry for help (or maybe it is)? I just felt that I owed you guys an update and not just fall off the face of the earth. Life is tricky and I have managed to make it to my 60th birthday (older than both my parents when they died). I am just going to put one foot in front of the other everyday and whatever HaShem wants from me, I will do my best to deliver. 

(I did not check this for typos or spelling errors, I was strictly a stream of consciousness, hopefully it is readable)

Adam

adam2014 wrote on 18 Nov 2024 11:55:

Adam,

It's always a treat to see you post. Your genuine honesty and clear perspective is very refreshing.

If I can just throw my two cents in about your question.

Your question is based on a fundamental misunderstanding. This struggle has nothing to do with religion. 

It's a human problem. When you feel like garbage after indulging in garbage, that has nothing to do with Judaism. That has to do with basic humanity.

And the solution (often) has nothing to do with religion. Basic spirituality, yes. Religion, no. I hiiiiiiighly recommend you give a listen to Dov's 12 step workshops (linked in my signature).

I'm no prophet, but I am an amateur armchair Freudian psychologist. Lemme make a prediction. And I apologize for being blunt, but I think you'd appreciate it. I predict that if you go whole hog on lust, stop feeling guilty and just indulge, it'll swallow up everything you care about within 3-5 years. Wife, kids, peaceful retirement, the works. 

Because lust doesn't bother you because of religion. It bothers you because it eats up your life. And throwing in the towel on religion and lust will not stop it eating up your life.

SA is not really pushed here. And for many people it's not the right decision. I have no idea if you are an addict or not but, based on your posts here, I honestly think you'd enjoy the 12 steps. I think it would make you a happier and more fulfilled person.

Listen to the 12 steps workshops. If they resonate, why don't you email Dov for a schmooze?

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I know that I need to separate religion from spirituality. They are two different things. I just think back to the times that I have had this issue somewhat under control and they were times that my davening and eating Kosher and going to shul were going well. I think that when I am feeling good about my Judaism, it gives me strength to take on the other problems, if that makes any sense!

Whether of not I am an “addict” is almost irrelevant. The definition of the word has been so clouded by society, that I don’t even know what addiction even means anymore. I will for sure listen to Dov’s 12 step workshop. Thank you for sending it to me.

I am happy that I have been on here two days in a row. I feel that maybe, just maybe… I may be heading in the right direction again…

What you said about losing it all in 3 to 5 years, I think that is a generous estimate, There have been times that I have gone from the mountain top to the valley in a matter of days… I know that just giving in is not the answer… But Thank you for pointing that out. 

adam2014 wrote on 19 Nov 2024 11:41:

Shalom Brother Adam,

When you are feeling good that gives you strength to deal. What about when you deal - does that give you the strength to feel good?

All the best