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Fridays and sadness

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TOPIC: Fridays and sadness 6091 Views

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 10:15 #392058

simchastorah Current streak: 17 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 162 Karma: 17	i am currently in therapy, and not for the first time. unfortunately at the moment i'm not finding it to be so helpful

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 11:29 #392059

doingtshuva
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As someone who went years for therapy I can share that sometimes you got to give it time and sometimes you just have to change a therapist.
The real change comes when WE come to a realization that the came is over and we have start doing the hard work.
My biggest changes happend after I left therapy and started to do what I was taught all the years.

Keep it up

* NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!
* I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.
* Being curios made me lust and get into trouble.
אָמַר רבי יוחנן: אֵבֶר קָטָן יֵשׁ לוֹ לָאָדָם, מַרְעִיבוֹ = שָׂבֵעַ, מַשְׂבִּיעוֹ = רָעֵב

Gye program + Handbook - Taphsik method - 90 day chart - Ebooks - Shiurim - Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski - Recent topics on the Forum

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 17:47 #392071

vehkam
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 06:18:

Hey, no I didn't see where I could turn on my karma from.
You're right, the Mishna says someone who is 'kovesh' their yetzer is a gibor.
But it does not say that someone who refrains from doing sin for any given reason for any amount of time
is a kovesh. I believe that to achieve the title 'kovesh' you have to be matzliach in
not giving in to the yetzer for a much longer time, it has to become part of your personality.
(Like R' Yisrael Salanter says in I think lamed)
If a person were to be under constant surveilance, would we call him a gibor for not masturbating?
Personally I think that it's clear that that would not be g'vura, that would just be embaressment being
the victor in a fight between embaressment and sexual desire, or there wouldn't even be sexual desire
because of the potential embaressment.

So it is possible to not give in to the yetzer without g'vura. That being the case, I think even a very long
time is not sufficient to define someone as a gibor, because it's possible that he was never really kovesh
the yetzer, he was just in a matzav where other inner forces were beating out the yetzer. Those other inner
forces could even be unhealthy ones. For example, lets say a person is crazy r'l, and believes there's someone
watching him through the ceiling, and for this reason never masturbates. Is such a person a gibor? Not only
is he not a gibor, but his lack of sin is not even healthy.

Granted in my case I don't believe there's anyone watching me through the ceiling, except Hashem of course,
but Hashem watching me has unfortunately not been a deterrent in the past. Maybe g'vura is when the force you
use to overcome the yetzer is the belief that it's ratzon Hashem. I wish I could say that that's my main motivation,
but if I'm being honest, I think that the main motivation for me is that I can't stand to feel so terrible, which in the end
of the day is a selfish motivation.

At the same time, selfish motivation is not a bad thing. In essence all motivation is selfish, like the chovos halvavos says
no act of human giving is truly selfless, even the one who gives to a pauper because he can't stand to see him suffer is
really giving to alleviate his own suffering. Nevertheless, giving to an ani for this reason is extremely commendable.
So maybe in the same way it's very commendable to overcome your yetzer in order to escape from the suffering?
I really don't know.

What I do know is that after being clean from porn and masturbation since last Sunday morning, I feel a million times better
about myself and I'm very happy to be staying away from it.

Thanks for still being here if you read this far, sorry for the ramblings of a young man

yesh koneh olamo b'shah achas.

Please consider reading the book The Battle of the Generation. It will help alot with the perspective regarding gevura.

best wishes
vehkam

vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me. Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.

some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me. This is ok. I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves. If you do realize that you know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:02 #392073

simchastorah
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ithank you. i read much of in the past, maybe i should give it another read.
this is my second time on gye, i was on here around 2.5 years ago, shortly after i started
being on the computer alot. at that time i did find some things that helped me to not get
to involved in porn, not that there's an amount that'l ok, but not in a way where i was way
out of control like i've been now. anyhow at that time i looked at a bunch of material available
through gye, including the battle of the generation, and i remember liking that book very much

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:18 #392075

simchastorah
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General question for the wonderful veterans amongst us: of course the battle is never over. that being said, i think there's something quite different between me, who's been clean for a bit over a week, and someone who's been clean for a year, for two years etc. i don't want to make any blanket statements, and i'm sorry if i'm misjudging the nature of your challenge, but it seems to me that there's a certain point for some of you where you feel 'free', or 'over it' to some degree. for example, someone here sent me in a dm that they don't have thoughts of going back (hi).
so tell me, at what point did you realize you were free? what did it take to get to that point?

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:33 #392076

jackthejew
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 18:18:

If you are "free" it means you have no Taivo. That means you are dead. "Freedom" in this context comes with some distance in my opinion, when you recognize that you will always be challenged like every other healthy male on earth, but that it's not the end of the world and it's not something that is taking up brain space constantly. You know what you have to do. That doesn't mean you'll always be 100% perfect, but you are growing and happy with yourself, and you've grown through the challenge. Freedom for me is when I can turn around and thank Hashem for granting me the opportunity to grow through this. DOesn't mean I'm perfect. Or right. Just my thoughts

Off the forum for now.
My Thread (Not for inspiration, but for random bits and pieces of my journey, as well as the inspiring responses of others: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375514-Enough-is-Enough
jackthejewgye@gmail.com
There are tips, tools, and techniques, but there are no shortcuts.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx
Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.-Voltaire
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If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.- Yogi Berra
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Last Edit: 14 Feb 2023 18:33 by jackthejew.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:47 #392078

vehkam
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freedom for me means that even though i have desires from time to time, that desire does not consume me and i am able to move on from it without fear that i will actually give in. The first five months that i was clean i was looking over my shoulder wondering when i would lose my motivation. After that, i realized that i had changed and i don't have to worry that this is temporary. That does not mean complacency. I work on maintaining my perspective and commitment every single day and don't plan to stop working on it ever.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:48 #392079

DeletedUser1281
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 18:18:

I'm far from a veteran (I'm barely amongst us), but I don't think there's an answer to your question.
I had a point when I was convinced that I'll never go back. It was blissful.

And here I am. Back.

But I wouldn't say I'm back at square one. I learned a lot and made some changes in my life.
One of the things I've learned is that there are no objective markers on any personal journey. No one can tell you, "after x days, your brain will be rewired". True, there are studies about these things, but we must remember that there's much more here than just "porn and masturbation". If P&M is an essential part of my life - whether as an escape, validation, etc. - merely stopping to do it for x days will not cure me. I need to address my underlying issues.

So, my advice to you is, donno.

We get only one chance at life.
This is not a rehearsal; it's the real thing.

Father, help me live sober Today.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 18:49 #392080

vehkam
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 18:02:

(as many here know...) i read it religiously every night. Even if i am going to bed at 3am.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 20:56 #392083

eerie
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 18:18:

I'm definitely no veteran, just joined in a few months ago, and I agree with what others said that there is no marker, no specific amount of days. I would describe freedom as being a point where you can fight this struggle from a healthy place. Many of us have fallen in and struggled for years, and we developed a connection and habits, that even when we were fighting against the urge, it was not with us being healthy, and we did not even have equal footing. Many of us were convinced there is no life after porn. Then we went to therapy, joined GYE, etc. and at some point in our journey to freedom we begin to relate to this nisayoin as just that, a nisayoin. It's not a scary, dark secret monster, it doesn't control our minds and hearts, and we believe in life after porn. Of course, as long as we live we will have tests, sometimes very strong ones, and maybe we'll even fall. But we can fight a balanced, healthy fight. We will know that life is full of tests, and sometimes you fall, but you can get up and move on. Fighting from a healthy perspective is freedom for me

Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Last Edit: 14 Feb 2023 21:18 by eerie.

Re: Fridays and sadness 14 Feb 2023 22:05 #392086

simchastorah Current streak: 17 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 162 Karma: 17	Thank you everyone for your answers. The general picture I'm getting is that freedom, or recovery, or whatever you want to call it, is some sort of mindset shift, and there's no specific amount of time that causes it

Re: Fridays and sadness 15 Feb 2023 01:07 #392101

Markz
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simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2023 22:05:

Thank you everyone for your answers. The general picture I'm getting is that freedom, or recovery, or whatever you want to call it, is some sort of mindset shift, and there's no specific amount of time that causes it

Well said

For me personally I didn’t have a mindset shift.

It was a matter of taking action to minimize my late night porn ‘escapades’ which has helped me on many long term 90+ day streaks.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have a mindset change, and that’s fine!

I hope you can find what works for you - Keep us posted and keep happy

as your name!

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Re: Fridays and sadness 15 Feb 2023 22:33 #392143

simchastorah Current streak: 17 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 162 Karma: 17	I'm dealing with strong urges to masturbate now. I feel tired out by life and lonely. Hashem help me to stay strong please. I'm posting to stay connected

Re: Fridays and sadness 16 Feb 2023 00:34 #392148

Yosef Hamevakesh Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Senior Boarder Posts: 54 Karma: 6	simchastorah wrote on 15 Feb 2023 22:33: I'm dealing with strong urges to masturbate now. I feel tired out by life and lonely. Hashem help me to stay strong please. I'm posting to stay connected Keep goin חביבי!! It gives me (and I'm assuming others) chizuk when I see other people push through a test.
	Y'all can contact me at Yosefhamevakesh@gmail.com

Re: Fridays and sadness 16 Feb 2023 08:50 #392154

simchastorah
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I'm in the middle of writing up my full sexual history, starting at around age 5. It's a long story, and I'm tired out from it, so I guess I'll continue later. I hope this will somehow help me to gain freedom from this, and to finally be able to love and accept myself. I'm 31 years old, and I really hope I'm not still in the same stuck place when I'm 41. Hopefully before then too, but you know what I mean. I remember being a bochur and thinking like so many that once I'd get married I'd be alright, having a healthy and permissible outlet for my sexual energy. I don't need to tell you that boy was I wrong. And here I am close to 10 years later still struggling. Though there have definitely been some strides along the way. For a long time I had a fear that I was gay because of the fooling around I had done as a young child. That b'h is largely dealt with, though not completely. I feel like this last week on GYE has been a major stride, and I do have hope that I'm moving in a good direction. At the same time I'm very frightened that this won't last, and I'll fall right back. And then maybe come back to working on it in another year. Chas v'shalom.

Also, to Yosef Hamevakesh, thank you for your response. It helped me to make it through, and b'h I am still clean. I really get chizuk from peoples responses on my thread. It makes me feel like people care. At the same time I'm constantly afraid that no one will respond, and I'll feel like a fool for spilling my guts. Hashem please please help me today to stay way from the filth of pornography. And please help me to stay away from the self hate that has so much come with it. Please let me find some degree of menuchas hanefesh.