I've been married for 15+ years, with many children and a happy life. My wife for some reason doesn't shower, she may take a shower sometimes erev Shabbos for 2 minutes, but that's it. I've constantly asked her about it and she just says I'll try to shower more, but nothing changes. This issue makes intimacy difficult and creates a craving for other outlets (I'm sure it's not the only problem). I don't what can be done to get her to change, she refuses to go to therapy or even to discuss it in depth.

Maybe a good couples therapist can guide you how to encourage her to shower.

Anytime it's discussed, she says that I'm right and doesn't want to discuss it anymore. It makes it impossible to understand the core issue. 

That sounds rough. 

Maybe there is someone she respects that can bring it up in a sensitive way, for example a rov of the family or any old teacher etc she respects and trusts.

I'll just point out, that its probably a very personal thing to her, and is probably much harder for her than yourself, if you can create a compassion and non judgement tone and space when discussing it, with her feeling understood, it might be a help.

Wishing you the best

gye77071 wrote on 18 Jan 2023 14:10:

That’s not your job brother 

Your job is to support and be there for her. 

On the other hand you also have your own needs. 

Simply talk about your needs and if something  is too difficult for you such as being physically close to her when “we haven’t bathed in 5 days”, share that. She will choose to do what she is able.
She may at some point come to realize that she needs help, as all, most, many of us do 

You're in a difficult spot and hopefully you'll be able to get the right approach to be able to settle this respectfully. I might just be stating the obvious but she could be suffering from depression or mental illness, she could have an issue with your relationship or a deeper problem. But you can’t guess about this, you need to get to the bottom of it with a real discussion and then make a decision together about what should be done. 

At the same time it's important to remember to speak positive words, never find fault. When you ask your partner to do something, use a tone of voice filled with respect and affection. Use words that allow your partner to make her own decision, and not feel coerced or manipulated. Speak as you want your partner to speak to you.

Thanks for sharing. Does she discuss with you other personal things or is she unable or unwilling to have conversations about anything personal or sensitive?

Can it be that earlier on you pushed her too much, too fast? Did you ever... with her?

Maybe this should be moved to the BB forum?

I feel so sorry for you.

A few questions that may be of help.
How is your sholom bayis in general?
Do you have open communication?
Does she look up to you, or are you two equals?
Or maybe, you fear her, and do whatever she says?
Is one of you more dominant/leader at home?
Intimacy, is she at all interested?
Are you confident and calm when you speak to her about this issue? And other issues and topics?

I hope and wish you, you should find the right pass forward and get your relationship to 10+

yacoba wrote on 22 Jan 2023 16:16:

The way you expressed it doesn’t make any sense. A wife can look upto her husband and still be 2 equals…

If you happen to be a professional coach or rabbi that has helped a lot of couples, it would shed a different more positive light on your lectures here. If you’re not, then the humble thing would be to say “I’d love to share my personal experience with you guys” (even if by remote chance it’s totally unrealistic).


It’s quite clear that she is interested.

Forgive me, but it seems you didn’t hear a word from the question posed in the original post here, and this has happened on another thread too. 
This could be why you give the readers here the impression that you are not a real professional with real life experience (outside of your marriage). 

My suggestion is that you post your resume and diploma here, so we gain a level of trust and the office will then provide you your Trucking Permit 

hi, its sounds like a very difficult one. maybe she has a trauma of showering? maybe she is sensitive to water? it could be a simple one and it could be a very difficult one, maybe the answer is a doctor rather than therapy, you need to try to have a conversation and let her know that you are by her side and support her as well as trying to find out her feelings why she has an issue with showering. 
i am not a professional but i have been in therapy for the past 7 + years and i can tell you, that some times we are the issue, and it could be an excuse on her behalf, that she doesn't want to be intimate with you, 
in my humble opinion you should go therapy and try to find a way to get your wife to go therapy and/or at least couple therapy.
when she will realise the impact therapy is on you she might automatically be thrilled to go. you never know until you try.

gye77071 wrote on 18 Jan 2023 09:28:

How does she prepare herself for the mikvah ?