I feel your pain my friend. It's hard to fall down after being up for so long. But half a year clean! What an accomplishment! What growth! You're not the same person from 187 days ago. Don't forget that!

Thinking about you,
iwantlife

Oy, I’m crying for you brother…

To hear your sweet voice on the phone, to have shared the streak with you these last 6 months…. Hang in there, as others have said, but it sure as hell sucks……


With a ton of brotherly love and empathy for this painful experience,
Muttel

I wonder if any of you GYE-Tzaddikim have access מאחורי הפרגוד and can tell me that Hashem has forgiven and forgotten yesterday's falls and its כאילו לא היה. It would give me such a boost to continue fighting as strong as before...
Anyone volunteering to go up and find out for me?
No pressure..

Lo Navi Ani Velo Ben Navi

I think there may be a silver lining and I apologize in advance if I’m super off.

For myself, I know that in my last ~5 month streak for the last few weeks I was starting to slip and lose motivation. I think when one reaches that point it can be very hard to course correct and the time is earlier in the streak to pay attention to the signs.

If so maybe a fall can be a reset, kind of a yeridah l’tzorech aliya though one that no one would ever recommend…

I think the big danger right now is always the Yiush that can seep in after a fall and the hopelessness with ever overcoming this Yetzer. I had that after my fall in 2022 and spent over a year in a pretty bad state. What helped me is that I had a change in my situation at work and a friend who I connected with about work stress and connecting with the tzaddkim here.

At the time I really didn’t know where the Yeshua could come from (not that I’m out of the tunnel at all but I have renewed hope) but I was thinking when you posted about the idea of K’Heref Ayin.

Maybe tomorrow your wife will wake up and say UpandDown’ele please go get a job and maybe your rich friend will offer you a super lucrative job or maybe that Rebbe job will miraculously materialize or maybe you’ll get into the super duper Kollel learning with the gadol hador. Or maybe none of those things but I think in retrospect for myself if I had held out hope that HKBH can change things for better in an instant even if I don’t see how then maybe I would have  struggled through the year+ and then…things get better instead of just staying in a low state.

Of course, the downside of falling is that we “look” for the reset. Dov has some very poignant posts about this that are worth a read. Don’t have the link.

upanddown wrote on 14 Nov 2024 12:01:


The Gemara in brachos tells us something fascinating. 
I still don't fully understand it but I have Eminas chachamim. 

After Shaul wiped out Nov, killing many kohanim (I would assume this sin is worse than yours), he was embarrassed to see his Rebbe Shmuel. 
That shame that he had made Hashem forgive him for his sin. 
If he received a clean slate from Hashem for killing kohanim, surely your sin which is significantly smaller than that, a sin that probably came through you falling into a miserable place and you weren't fully in control of yourself, kal vachomer HKBH will forgive you when you regret your actions. 
Don't stop fighting. 
Don't stop growing.

upanddown wrote on 14 Nov 2024 12:01:

I checked.  You’re good.  The only zecher in shomayim is how much effort you put in to fight back.  אשריך.

upanddown wrote on 14 Nov 2024 12:01:

You could ask YKW to ask his rebbe, the one that turned him into a golem, I think he goes up there constantly

vehkam wrote on 14 Nov 2024 13:31:

Thank you @vehkam. I really believe this.
Just like when I promise my aggressive son something special after 10 days of no fighting at home. It all goes well until day 5 when he looses it and hits his brother. I won't tell him - "That's it you're out!!", but rather: "Forget this incident. You've been doing so well. Keep going... I'm so so proud of you..."
I have no doubt that אבינו אב הרחמן is saying the same. בנים אתם לה’ אלקיכם. "Keep going my son..." - I can feel it! And that's a big step for me...

I will keep fighting because I know it's the right thing. I want a productive life. An honest life. No incognito-mode lifestyle.
So I will בס”ד get back to my barrier that I built for myself over the past half year of being totally שומר נגיעה. Perhaps it will also help to be מסיח דעת a little and keep going without thinking too much.

Thank you all for your care and love.

Humbly,
UpAndDown

P.S. thank you @chaimoigen. Your post saved me today multiple times...

Remarkable comeback. I'm always in awe of the people that fall down, dust themselves off, and get back on to the horse and keep on climbing. You've overcome the main נסיון which is not to let yourself become despondent over the fall. You know as well as we all do that you're not back to square one, but have taken a tumble, and are climbing higher from the point on the ladder that you landed. A small setback in the scheme of the big picture. The one negative part of the streaks that there is on these forums, is that it gives the impression that yesterday I was a 187, whereas now I'm only a 1. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yesterday you were an 'עובד ה, and today you are no less 'עובד ה. The moment we define ourselves by our streaks, is the moment when the fight becomes a way to inflate our egos with pride (which might not be the worst thing, given that we're doing it to conquer the lust, it might be גאוה דקדושה). The streaks are there as a tool to help motivate us to get closer to 'ה. If that is the objective, then your still doing a heck of a good job at it. Keep on trucking and inspiring!

upanddown wrote on 14 Nov 2024 23:52:


You’re welcome, my brother. 

I don’t have the Kochos that Vehkam has, to rise up and hear the Kol Dimama Dakka.

But I have heard a voice (one that sometimes speaks in my own heart, the voice of קול דודי דופק)
And that voice says that we are down here, for now. And just like the guy who administers the road test doesn’t let you use the rear-view video camera, so that you’ll learn to parallel park without it, we also need to figure out how to manoeuvre, sometimes in reverse, without inside info.  

Here are “downstairs” instructions לפיענ״ד:

1. Keep going. Don’t think too much for now, as you yourself said. We gotta keep going down here. It’s the name of the game. And the surprising thing that keeping going gets us further than we would think…

2. I can’t speak for Hashem. But YOU need to forgive yesterday’s fall. Have a serious dose of Rachamunus for yourself, and to give yourself a hug and a dose of Ahava and understanding. (There will come a time to learn from this with productive regret but it isn’t the time yet.) You deserve it.

These aren’t lip service words. Self-loathing is the key to repeated falls and endless darkness. You deserve better. You’re a Ben Torah, and Oved Hashem with Hasagos. Who made a mistake. It would be only appropriate for a special guy like you to have compassion on the guy who did something that was beneath him, and help him get up. 

3. אם ראית תלמיד חכם שעבר עבירה בלילה אל תהרהר אחריו ביום… 
Clearly, even the guy who makes a mistake still deserves the title of a Talmud Chochom. As long as he keeps going , and hangs in there. (As opposed to embracing a new identity….)

Those who have access to higher worlds tell me that they judge according to the way that we judge down here. Give yourself  compassionate, understanding break and keep trucking. I feel that בישיבה של מעלה they will accept the approach. 

Especially, if, as you write, you treat your Kinderlach the same way. Treat yourself the same way, tayereh…

Oy, Tatteh, 
מאן דבעי חיים