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Falling hard, nonstop
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Falling hard, nonstop 949 Views

Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 00:46 #362124

  • FighterWithFire
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  I am a 20 year old bochur from a perfectly normal Frum family living in the States. B"H, I never had any exposure to pornography or any sort of sexual material whatsoever growing up, but I did find myself lusting and fantasizing with increased frequency as I matured into my teenage years. I would even sometimes peek through the shutters at the windows of the neighbor's house at night (when nobody else was around, obviously) to try to get a glimpse of the woman next door undressed (I never saw anything, thank God). 
  When I was 17, during the summer, I found myself at home alone for a week and a half (working at a local camp) when my family was away. This meant being at home alone with an unfiltered laptop. At the time, I thought nothing of it whatsoever. It had never occurred to me what I could access over it. However, one night about a couple of days in, I found myself wondering what I could search for on it (you see where this is going). It started off with images (that weren't even that graphic), then led to "softcore" videos. After a few nights of this, I was so disgusted with myself that I closed the laptop and resolved never to do it again. However, a month later (during Tishrei Bein Hazmanim), I found myself at it again-but this time, I clicked a link that led to a full-on pornography site where I watched a fully graphic pornography video. It's impossible to describe how low I felt. I locked myself in my room and sobbed, begged Hashem to forgive me, tried desperately to get the images out of my mind, and felt better again. And yet, less than a month later, I was back at it again. And so began my struggle with pornography. 
  It's been two and a half years since then. I have never gone more than 2 months without watching porn (my record is 52 days), and I feel like I've tried almost everything-filters, therapy, TaPHSiC, the whole shebang. Thank God, I've never been caught, but there have been multiple close calls. The only two people who know are those I see for therapy. It's never progressed beyond pornography, but it's not for lack of lusting. It's a cycle-I'll do well for a couple of weeks, perhaps even a month, then fall, struggle for a bit, then get back up, do well for another couple of weeks, then fall again.
  I find myself questioning my own commitment to beat it. I know I'm not doing everything I can, but I'm really running out of ideas-I've convinced my parents to filter this computer without telling them my problem, but even with the filter (which does it's job well, completely blocking porn sites, and with reporting, which B"H I found out about before I could try to get past it), I go on sites that aren't specifically for porn but contain pornographic material (youtube, amazon, etc.), and sometimes manage to get my hands on one of the unfiltered devices around the house (which I'm thought to not have access to, but do). I find myself constantly lusting for real, actual sex, even when I'm not watching porn. I feel unspeakably torn, conflicted, and quite helpless. Anybody who can relate and give help/advice of any kind would be much appreciated. Hashem should bless us all with Hatzlacha in overcoming all of our problems.

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 00:51 #362127

  • Hakolhevel
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Welcome, Sadly I didn't join this website till after I was married, so I will leave this to others.

Just wanted to clarify, in your post you say your clean 1-2 months. But in the title it says falling hard nonstop?

Much success!
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 00:58 #362129

  • FighterWithFire
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Hakolhevel wrote on 28 Jan 2021 00:51:
Welcome, Sadly I didn't join this website till after I was married, so I will leave this to others.

Just wanted to clarify, in your post you say your clean 1-2 months. But in the title it says falling hard nonstop?

Much success!

My apologies for not making that clear-I keep going 1-2 weeks clean, but then I fall hard, and then I get back up and go 1-2 weeks clean again, and the cycle repeats itself. Right now, I'm going through a very tough time, hence the title, and I'm in need of eitzos. Thanks.

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 01:18 #362132

  • Ish MiGrodno
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Oyy, I, like HH, did not deal with the issue until many years into my marriage (it doesn't get easier after marriage if the issue remains unaddressed.)

Oh, how I wish I had these resources when I was your age!

So who am I to dare state my opinion to a mighty warrior like you - a bochur who is bravely fighting the battle of the generation (without any respite to fall back on)?

Speak to (or PM) Yeshiva Guy - he is one of the chashuveh bochurim on our heilege forum. Listen to him, as he is in the frontlines and (regardless of how much he puts himself down) is a true gadol.

If only you realized how proud we are of you...

IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 03:04 #362139

  • eyes
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Dear TheSicarioWarrior,
I can only say wow that you have the courage to do what you have just done. You totally put yourself out there to get help. Most of us here regulars will tell you that this is how it is done. KNowing that you have brothers with you fighting, for the same thing you will definitely help you win.
Please check here often.
Post your worries and fears.
Dont give up on us. 
We are all here for you.

Hatzlacha
We have your back

Eyes 

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 05:20 #362145

  • Lou
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Welcome! Hatzlocha on your journey. You came to the right place

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 05:36 #362148

  • Hashem Help Me
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Welcome. You came to the right place. Stay connected and iyh you will break free.  What are your triggers?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 07:13 #362156

Welcome to GYE
Well done on having the courage to open up about yourself, it's not easy.

I'm also 20, with similar struggles, feel free to PM me if you are interested.

Looking_to_Improve
Last Edit: 28 Jan 2021 07:15 by Looking_to_improve.

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 07:16 #362157

  • Zedj
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Welcome T.S.W!

Thank you for sharing your story.
It resonates with many here including myself.

Although this is a anonymous forum it's a big step to share your story "publicly" so good on you for taking a giant step forward

You mentioned you tried "everything" that was before you joined GYE but now you have a tool that you ave yet to try...אחדות ישראל!

The first thing I would tell you is really come to a conclusion that you want to stop watching porn. You won't get far if your not committed.

What works for alot of guys is to write down the pros and cons of acting out vs the pros and cons of being clean.
This way you can come up with a clear decision.

Get in touch with the guys here, learn from them and read as many threads as you can...it will help tremendously.

Keep us updated as that will add accountability.
When you update and share your struggle, you will be mechazek yourself and countless others.

Welcome to the club!

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 13:59 #362165

  • Captain
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Check out the forums. There are many great stories of people who were in similar situation to you and never believed they could break free, and yet they did. (I think @Markz has a page with links to many great forums with such stories. Maybe he could put a link here. Or it might be in his signature, so check the bottom of any post he did.) Slowly you'll see that you can succeed with Hashem's help.

Also, try to develop an attitude of being excited about and valuing each time you say no and push back, rather than focusing on how much you "messed up." These free resources will be helpful for this:

Great book (ebook) for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, you can sign up for the daily GYE Boost emails/ whatsapps at www.gyeboost.org.

Hatzlocha!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
Last Edit: 28 Jan 2021 14:00 by Captain.

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 14:09 #362166

  • Grant400
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Welcome! What about masturbation? Is it something you struggle with? Because working on one without the other can definitely make it more difficult. Lusting is lusting. 
I can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 17:01 #362179

  • FighterWithFire
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Jan 2021 05:36:
Welcome. You came to the right place. Stay connected and iyh you will break free.  What are your triggers?

It could be anything, such as negative feelings (being angry, tired, lonely, depressed, stressed, or not getting outside enough), being alone with an unfiltered device (which I obviously try to avoid), or (more often) just finding myself lusting for porn after a clean streak, and then eventually falling. 

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 17:02 #362180

  • FighterWithFire
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Grant400 wrote on 28 Jan 2021 14:09:
Welcome! What about masturbation? Is it something you struggle with? Because working on one without the other can definitely make it more difficult. Lusting is lusting. 

B"H, no. "Just" pornography. 

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 21:11 #362195

  • Grant400
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TheSicarioWarrior wrote on 28 Jan 2021 17:02:

Grant400 wrote on 28 Jan 2021 14:09:
Welcome! What about masturbation? Is it something you struggle with? Because working on one without the other can definitely make it more difficult. Lusting is lusting. 

B"H, no. "Just" pornography. 

Wow! How?
I can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com

Re: Falling hard, nonstop 28 Jan 2021 23:29 #362202

  • Hashem Help Me
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TheSicarioWarrior wrote on 28 Jan 2021 17:01:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Jan 2021 05:36:
Welcome. You came to the right place. Stay connected and iyh you will break free.  What are your triggers?

It could be anything, such as negative feelings (being angry, tired, lonely, depressed, stressed, or not getting outside enough), being alone with an unfiltered device (which I obviously try to avoid), or (more often) just finding myself lusting for porn after a clean streak, and then eventually falling. 

Exercise is a good reliever for the triggers you mentioned. When the heart rate is raised, the brain is flooded with the same endorphins (calming agents) that pornography watching provides. Try to set up a scheduled time for consistent exercising. BH It worked for me. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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