This post is a continuation of my earlier post (part b)in this thread.
Part c

After reading part b one may feel that even though it does help to some extent to keep reminding ourselves the correct perspective, however it is still not a solution in its own right. This is correct and the reason for this, is that most often the reason why perfectionism is so deeply ingrained in our sub-conscious is because over the course of growing up our brains received wrong messages that subsequently fueled perfectionism. For example: instead of receiving recognition when due, or support when we made mistakes, instead we taught our brains that we are not deserving of recognition unless we are perfect, and only when we reach that fleeting moment of perfection do we feel good. This aspect has been explained at great length in earlier posts.

So in order to deal with this we need to rewire our brains, by consciously finding those moments in our day (there are many many such moments) where perfectionism is about to kick in, and precisely at that moment give yourself the correct messages your brain should have been told as you were growing up. E.g tell yourself, "your ok, your great just the way you are, just the way it is" e.t.c, and eventually we rewire our subconscious that imperfection is fine and things are supposed to be that way, as only G-D is perfect.

A very good way of implementing this technique is that when we find ourselves in a situation where were slipping into perfectionism, begin to imagine this situation/ scenario as if it were an outsider, coming to you for help and they describe to you the exact situation you are now in, what would you tell them? Imagine it was your child, what would be the correct messages you would want them to hear? Well take those exact messages and tell them to yourself. Tell yourself 'it's ok to make mistakes, it means your normal, it means your human', 'wow, it's amazing that you keep trying' e.t.c.

With time this should eventually rewire our subconscious to react differently to imperfections.

I've not found it so easy to express this point clearly. I hope it can be understood.

With love,

Excellence.

@Excellence have you thought about doing some research into SA? 

Ask yourself these questions:Test Yourself - 20 Questions

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking and behavior?
2. That you would be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
6. Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterward?
7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
11. Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?
12. Do you feel that the right relationship would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
13. Do you have a destructive need — a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
16. Do you lose time from work for it?
17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible. do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

Dear Reach stars
Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread. What made you think I may need SA?

Thanks

R'excellence, how are you?
I just wanted to say that I went through your whole thread and found it to be pure gadlus.
Please keep posting, your chizuk is invaluable, not only to myself, but to the whole GYE community, no doubt.
If I understood your penultimate post correctly, it happens every so often to myself.
Being a divorced man I constantly grapple with perfectionism, particularly if I did everything I could to salvage my marriage. I found that I'm very judgemental to myself (i.e. maybe I should've tried more), but were it someone else in my shoes, relating to me the same story, I'd totally tell this person not to worry at all, that he did much more than most men would ever do to save it. Makes sense?
Once more, please keep us posted. Your story and tips are amazing and very inspirational.

Snowflake wrote on 13 Jun 2021 18:01:

I second that. Really miss your being around.

Dear my chaveirim- Snowflake & Sapy,

Thank you so much for the Chizuk, You have no idea to what extent a good word can effect someone. 

I'm really happy my posts have interested you, I certainly put alot of time & effort into writing them, and Iv'e always dreamt about helping others with what caused me so much anguish in my years as a Bochur.

To be honest Iv'e not had it so easy lately. I'm not ready to elaborate. This caused me to avoid looking at GYE the past week or 2, but I'm around and hopefully I always will be. 

With admiration and appreciation,
Excellence.

We're all in this boat together. Come back when you're ready. Still if I may advise you, don't stay off for long. Isolation is all the YH wants. The YH says I got this, I can deal with this on my own. Nothing could be further from the truth. We've all tried to "solve it ourselves" and it only led us deeper down the hole. By coming here and opening up, your struggle becomes much easier and lighter. Don't be afraid of falls. Years of bad programming don't unwind easily. The single most important thing is to keep trying, and never give up, no matter how much you fall. 
Please post more, looking forward to your chizuk!

hi r' excellence, this is my first time commenting on someone elses post, but i just wanna tell u that u give me tons of chizuk wow wow wow, i hope to be where u are one day

from the perfect  soaror, hatzlocha!

.

.

Dear friends,
I believe I will hold on stronger if I log my journey, I've come to the realization that it's very likely that the forum alone is not a strong enough tool to help me break free so I have also taken other steps, but the forum nonetheless will help me on the side!
Be"H my post tomorrow will bear good news, but as for now I'm holding by day 0   .
(Feel free to go back to the beginning of this thread for those that may wanna see my story)

I feel a little silly saying I'm one day clean because I know i can and I am a lot better than that, however nonetheless a day used well cannot be underestimated either. so B"H as of now I am clean, and I surrender and Daven to Hashem as HE is the only one who can truly help me.
May Hashem be mechazek all of us,
With respect to you all.

excellence wrote on 01 Jul 2021 21:16:

Don't feel silly. Day 1 is often the easiest day to fall again, so don't underestimate the achievement

2 Days,

I'm quickly logging this cos had slight urge so quickly turned to GYE.



Gut Shabbos

Thank you Hashem for granting me another day clean & a very inspiring and uplifting Shabbos. Please help me that tomorrow will be  the same too.

Love excellence
3 Days