I found this masterpiece from HHM. I was not up to 1 year but I think I can relate to this...

"Hashem Help Me" post=332453 date=1529453177 catid=1After milestones, many fall or slip. Why? I think what happens when we reach 90 days or a year or any goal that we have designated, we start thinking "Hey, now what?" Nothing magical happens on those days and we begin to realize that this issue will remain with us for the rest of our lives. Pretty demoralizing and a recipe to just sit down, watch some real trash and act out. However, there is a big mistake with this way of thinking. Look back to day 2 or 3  before we joined GYE- we were all there hundreds of times. What kind of bechira did we have then? Pretty low indeed. We did not believe we could hold off for any significant amount of time, so we just threw in the towel. Then even after we joined GYE, when we hit days 10 through 20 with the horrible withdrawal - some of us have been there numerous times too - we just caved in - as if an inexorable force put our hands down there and made us.... But then when we hit 40, 50, etc, we actually started tasting true bechira again. We saw "it can actually be done!" So even when we fell, and cried...., we had that belief that it was worth it to try again. Still our bechira was weak, and when hit by unexpected powerful triggers, we were sitting ducks facing a tsunami.... But we persisted and BH gained real levels of bechira back. When one hits a year, he basically has been through all types of situations, be they work/school year mode, vacation mode, yomim tovim/simchas/tragedies mode, various financial challenges etc etc and has pulled through.  In closing, as you reach a milestone, be prepared to just continue one day at a time. Don't expect magic. Make a small celebration along with a tefillah for continued syatta d'shmaya, share the accomplishment with your friends here and ask them for advice and encouragement how to continue.

Thank you! This is a master piece!

Lou wrote on 11 Apr 2021 05:45:

Like HHM would say, this post is gadlus! The truth is there are so many amazing posts lying around GYE that hit the nail on the head, if only there was a way to sift through it all and pull out the gold...

Lou wrote on 09 Apr 2021 16:58:

Here 

Suffice it to say that the last week or so have been a seesaw of ups and downs... Amazing how hard it is to get back up after a fall. BeH today is Rosh Chodesh so it is a brand new fresh start of long term success.
I really hope that the experiences I have been having can help me help myself through inevitable down times in the future. Perhaps maybe I can help others better as well beH!
Lou

R' Lou, how are you doing?

HappyYid wrote on 15 Apr 2021 16:53:

Thank you for checking in!
It could be a lot better.
I hope to update in the near future that it actually is better.
Thank you

R' Lou,

I follow you posts like I would with a brother or child.

We care about you very very much...Keep fighting the fierce battle (see Mesilas Yesharim Perek 10) and keep us posted.

Feel free to PM anytime.

Concerned in Grodno ~ IMG

I wrote a fairly long post detailing what has been going on with me recently. The site crashed when I clicked submit and it disappeared.
I don't have the energy or time to rewrite it now but suffice it say that I am not in the best place right now, but I am beH trying to understand myself and what has been going on the past 2 weeks. Sorry I know it is not a clear post but somehow my more clear post disappeared.

Im sorry to hear your not in the best place.
I hope things start picking up for the better as you do look into yourself and see where your holding.
Wishing you much hatzlocha.
Keep us updated!

Pro tip- before you submit your post, make sure to copy your text...just in case.

I will try to repost my thoughts from yesterday...
I am trying to figure myself out. I had a streak of over 100 days. Towards the end of this streak I really was having a easy time keeping clean.Then I have a fall (from curiosity caused by something seen on this site). The next week and a half or so are a cycle of up(clean) and down(fall) with more down than up. What happened??
I think that possibly, in my heart I believed that I really rewired myself. "I just don't do that garbage anymore". I was loving the clean life. Intellectually, I knew that many fall after a while but in my heart I knew that would not happen to me! I am a changed man! and then lo and behold within a matter of minutes it did happen to me! I came to the realization that I am not done with the shmutz. I am not really this holy Baal teshuvah etc... Once that happened I think my gaavah joined with my taivah to really take me on a run for my money. This is all not logical,but this is my heart speaking. I had to come to the realization that no, I am not a newly changed man. However, I am a better man. A man that can control himself even when faced with temptations. But also, a normal man that will fall here and there. A man that needs chessed Hashem at every point to stay pure.
So, now with humility and a hopefully a more clear perspective I begin my climb up the tower (The one I already built beH) anew .
                                                                               Lou

Thank you! Your tip saved my post today as the same thing happened.

BH, finally starting to feel like I am back on track.
Thank you Hashem and thank you all!

Lou, this is a real classic!

I relate to these feelings 100% - so it's a a breath of fresh air to hear your story....But more importantly, it can preempt people like me (who are so similar to you) from falling into the above narrative.
BEZ"H!

With appreciation and brotherhood from Grodno ~ IMG

Still hurts when I see the low number of my streak...however I am learning to realize it is only a number.The previous streak still exists in Shamayim and maybe even down here.
BH,overall doing well. A few temptations here and there but bezras Hashem pulling through.
Thank you