For the past week plus, I have been having tremendous waves of temptation to drive the mere two miles to Wal-Mart & buy a cheap tablet to watch all sorts of shmutz. I am so ashamed of myself. It is soo hard to hold back, I keep coming extremely close to falling through & feeling that I will thereby fall back "continents" (not just "miles") in the recent strides Hashem has helped me with in Avodas Hashem & general mental health. From barley getting myself to put on Tefilin & Davening only Shemoneh Esrei - in pajamas or underwear - for a duration of 20 seconds - trying to believe I actually said at least half of the words & the extant of my daily learning being the words of Torah said with Birchas HaTorah, Shabbos & Yom Tov being my worst & most painful days of the year, Hashem has helped me reach some degree of enjoyment in learning & Davening & has given me the heavenly assistance to start waking up early, davening 3 times daily with minyan, learning an hour a day & feeling uplifted on Shabbos. I fear I will lose all that and head back to the dumps & even worse than before should I slip & fall. I am very fearfullthat I will fall & fall bad. Sort of like from "R'um Sho'm'aim L'bira A'mik'ta" kind of head 1st kind of fall. I fear the consequences in this life & the next, the embarrassment I can be sure of in this world & the next. The wonderfull marriage I can possibly lose over where this can take me, not to mention my wonderful little boy whom Hashem has helped us with after a couple of childless years through the utmost in infertility treatments & the parnassa that he gives me which I never though I'd have do to my years of spilling seed. I never imagined I'd get married, have children or money to live on. I feared that as punishment for wasting seed for so many years & potentially causing others to struggle in this area, all the punishments written in the Seforim for these sins would come upon me. I learnt in kollel for many years even though I found it to be tortuous for me & had no geshmak, because the Seforim say that's the only way to stave off the terrible punishments that would otherwise befall such a sinner. Yet it was not enough to stop me from keeping on sinning. I would estimate that I have been Motzi Zera at least 10,000 times in my life. That's a very big number. When I was 14-15 years old I made a Neder L'Hashem that for every time I waste seed I will give $5 to tzedaka. That was around what I got as a spending allowance for a month at the time. After a few times I couldn't keep up with the payments. (Math would equal that today I'd be in debt $50,000+ ).A few years ago I asked a Rov if there's any possibility of being Mater Neder & he said that the HaTaras Nedarim of Erev Yom Kippur of the previous year would have already rendered the Neder null & void. I am not 100% certain though, I may have made that Neder at age 13 which I turned after Yom Kippur...

By getting myself to come here to post I have created a delay from acting on that horrible impulse. I am also thinking that my triggers happen most often when I'm feeling stressed out & in a bad mood, I am subconsciously seeking relief from pain by numbing my heart & soul through alternative pleasures & escapes from reality. My only moments of inner calm & peace, being free from mental anguish has been when I get totally lost in a good (jewish) novel or for a few seconds when finding release through perverse thoughts, sights & actions. I have cycled a lot between excessive binge eating of unhealthy food funded by selling my personal use items such as mp3 players, silver bechers I got as bar mitzvah gifts for scrap, along with a unique heirloom quality item I had received as a gift from my great grandmother A"H or borrowing from Tzedaka & then needing to figure out how to pay it back. After gaining 10 lbs in a short time I would then spend $ to load up on on fruits & veggies, diet for a while & lose the 10 lbs & then repeat the cycle. Now that I am Married B"H, I many times binge spend on food, many times behind my wifes back by borrowing from my own Masser funds & repeat those cycles. Though now it's not 10 lbs up 10 lbs down, it's 60 lbs up, 60 lbs down... Hashem should help me, I'm thinking to go out & treat myself to something healthy, filling & energizing to tide me over a bit in keeping away from acting out with buying that tablet, looking at the worst & being motzi zera... I didnt eat anything yet today other than a protein bar, am feeling awful both physically & emotionally, I have not learnt my daf yomi in 3 days & I davened at home today, just a speedy shmone esrei in a closet @ 10:30 while my wife went upstairs for a few minuets & put on Tefilin for a few seconds after she went out of the house later. I felt like davening that either I or my wife & child should die today. I am embarrassed to air my dirty laundry to you all on this forum & feel that perhaps it's not even the right place as it's really just for struggles in inyanei kedusha not mental health, though at the same time to me I feel that it's all intertwined in my situation. Hopefully no one recognizes who I am That would be too embaressing. I am seeing a therapist & psychiatrist & am taking anti-depressants for a little while now & do feel like things are progressing forward, but the going still really gets tough sometimes. If you've made it through my post till here - Thank you for reading! It makes things easier in a way to share my experience.

  Today I got way too close to falling. I raced to Wal-Mart to buy that tablet to watch - no devour / immerse myself in pornography. I watched a few times in the past year & now I'm hooked. Every 10 days or so the urges get unbearable. During the 3 minutes drive I was being pulled so strongly in either direction: YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! IT WILL KILL YOU! YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY WILL BE TRACED TO YOU, YOU'LL BE ARRESTED & stand public trial bringing tremendous shame upon yourself & your family! You'll destroy yourself! And the other side of me was already visualizing what I will see again, I already felt the intense thrill throughout my body from head to toe . When I got to the last intersection I quickly swerved left & went down another road instead of continuing into Wal-Mart's parking lot. Whew! That was way too close for comfort! I realized afterwards that I was under a lot of pressure today to meet certain deadlines & did not see how I'll make them...It is said that at the moment of triumph in inyanei kedusha it is a eis ratzon for tefillah, so I asked for one of my fantasy wishes - a 2020 Toyota Camry XSE V6 loaded - I don't think it was smart to squander such an opportunity to ask for such stupidity & vanities (I should just imagine what that car would look like in 15 years from now ) & also foolish to ask for something kind of chutz lderech hatevah that regardless of the eis ratzon, i dont think would be answered affermativly. I should've asked for the kind of thing he would be more likly to give & worthy, such as for further syata dshmaya in beating this great evil nemesis YETZER HARA... I'm thinking now as I'm writing, I can learn from my mistake to be prepared with a list of true causes to beg the Almighty for, the people I know need a yeshua in different areas... That he should help all of us GYE members & all fellow struggelers in our fight & ultimately eradicate all evil in the universe!  On my way home I stopped at a pizza shop & bought two slices pizza for snack (yes for snack!) even though I am sensitive to gluten & dairy & will feel kind of sick for up to a week until it leaves my system to celebrate that "left turn"! Thanx for Reading! Hatzlacha to all of you!

Love,

Swift Eagle (Kal KaNesher)

Wow that’s incredible swift eagle(Btw what tribe are you part of ? I’m Blackfoot ) I’ve been in that situation more than once and it never turned out good , usually when I would take that step I was an emotional mess set on getting it , so it  was nearly impossible to stop ... amazing that you were able to hit the brakes .

Continued success 

Prayin’ for anythin’ anything other than a Monstah Truck is a serious violation here on ‘ye!

Hey fellow,
How are you doing?
From what I read of your posts, sorry for being blunt, but your life seems pretty much unmanageable and totally unlivable, which prompts me to ask you, have you tried the 12 steps? Also, perhaps you could benefit from CBT.
Don't take me wrong, great kudos to you for coming here and opening up, it takes a lot of courage but that's my take on your situation. Life is not supposed to be a dilemma of whether you race to walmart or binge eat and you have to constantly wrestle with yourself over these strong urges. I think with the right approach, you should be able to live a normal life.
Regards.