A question not so relevant to me now but BEZH will be soon in the coming years. 

I had a shmooze with a Rebbe, when I was first on GYE and got the push to open up. Once I was done with my story, I began to ask (to this rebbe who deals with teenagers and young couples in the community) a bunch of questions about what my future would look like. 

One of of the questions that cam up was... What am I going to tell a woman who I am dating and thinking about marriage...what will she think of me? And began to sob uncontrollably, as getting married and raising a bautiful mishpacha is one of my life goals. He said by then, if I keep working then I will be clean for long enough that I won't have to tell her (thinking now I'm not sure if this was a real response or he was curious of what I would answer) I responded that I would never hold back anything... EMES EMES EMES, she deserves nothing less than that 

This is is a question that I'm sure most of the dating bachurim around here also have, and I'm curious if even those with wives can relate... What will she think of me?

I heard a psak recently that if your dating a girl seriously, and you feel like it can continue to something more, you have a Chiyuv to divulge any information that could be compromising to the girls decision of whether or not she wants to move forward as well between 3rd and 5th date (same a applies a girl who has to divulge as well) When first hearing this, I chuckled... Thinking "well I'm gonna have a heck of a long 4th date then. Between the anxiety, depression, medication, divorced parents, father in prison... There's a lot of info to get through. I might even have to make a PowerPoint presentation. 
Aside from that I'm a catch for all you shadchanim out there:)

But then, my mood changed, because when I began to think of things that I really have to work on before I start thinking of long term commitment, I thought of this inyan. Now BEZH by the ill be long sober (I am 12 days in so I guess sobriety here I come:)) but to tell her about this inyan seems to be much much different than the other issues. Those other things, to her, are things many people struggle with. The parent situation, the anxiety, that's all "normal" and I can still be qualified as a "normal guy" (I think). But to here once this inyan is brought up to the holy bas yisroel sitting opposite me, that I used to watch naked people online have sex, masterbate to i, and also by the way, that I was what some people call an addict, what would she even respond.  If her father found out would he let me continue to date her even when he can empathize. Would you guys let your daughters date a recovering lust addict? Even me in my situation, I'm not that sure. KAL VECHOMER THE GIRL!! what will she think and how will she react. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't feel comfortable. At this point in my life I understand that most guys are t naive anymore, we all know the struggle, and if we are true, we can all empathize. But for a girl, and I may be wrong, it's very very different. 

I just don't see having a successful shidduch with this in my past. It's just a thought in the back of my head, even after being years clean. 


Regardless of of this I don't see that me not giving up this information to a potential wife in my future either, it just wouldn't be fair. If I am giving myself over to someone else, to become and connect as an Ezer Kenegdo, she deserves to know what she's getting. 

How is does one live with his reality, but still have faith that every normal girl will turn you down... I just don't know. 

yosef10 wrote on 19 May 2020 00:50:

Podcast recommendation: https://www.intimatejudaism.com/porn-fantasy-and-compulsive-sexual-behavior-how-much-is-too-much-episode-19/

Not assuming anything of course chas vesholom, but just to be safe... the podcast won't be triggering or anything like that right. 
The name of the podcast sounds a bit fishy.... Like things I've clicked on before.   

Use your discretion, but as I recall it, it isn't any more triggering than what you will find on GYE. As in, it talks about sensitive topics etc.

My two cents (for real!) on this topic:

It depends on where your really holding. Your wife need not know your entire history if that's not you and won't be you. Like I read once " Your not as bad as your worst day nor as good as your best day; Your somewhere in between."

Also, if a person does real teshuva he is NOT the same person. Why tell her about a "friend" you once knew!

But, I guess if its still a large part of you then you have a question. Not sure what the options are...

Considering that addicts  say that they are always in recovery, maybe my firsts points are not nogeya!

I think this is something that requires Daas Torah. Talk to a Rebbe you feel comfortable with and who knows your situation, obviously you have to be completely honest with him.

4th date, you don't just tell the girl why she shouldn't marry you. If you do, she probably wont...
Be confident, there are a lot more reasons why someone would want to marry you then wouldn't.
What exactly you have to tell a girl and how is not so black and white. In most cases, she just needs to know that your growing. 

It's okay to struggle, you are probably not going to tell her how many times you miss davening or whatever. These are normal struggles and that's okay. As long as you keep on growing, by the time shiduchim roll around hopefully this will be behind you. 

Transparency is one of the most important traits in marriage, that being said, you don't have to tell her all the "bad things" you think of yourself. It's important to have someone to guide you (a Rav, Rebbi, mentor..) who can figure out objectively what to say and how.

Just know this. there are probably just as many people out there in shidduchim that struggle and aren't growing like you so any girl would be lucky to get a guy like you.

Hatzlachah! Keep it up! Your posts are really inspiring!

My 2 cents
I don't think a non-addict can understand what addiction is. They wouldn't realise that it's a push by a hidden hand to do something that you don't necessarily want to be doing and that without help you often don't have the power to stop. 
If it won't affect her, especially if you've been clean for a while, like your rebbi said, don't tell her. You don't have to tell her anything that doesn't affect her and iif the subject doesn't come up don't bring it up so you can stick to the Emes as much as possible. 
This is often considered mipnei darchei shalom sosheker could be considered but you should ask your rabbi before that fourth date. 

Just my thoughts, had to get it out because many people would not get married if they thought like you. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh

I had a rebbe who dealt with these and similar type issues regularly(drug, girlfriends, abuse, any type of addictions) and ive actually been meaning to email and ask the question.
However from what i recall his general stance on these inyanim was that if the problem is resolved and wont affect the marriage(its in the past), then dont mention anything.
again obv ask your rav/daas torah but imo if someone is able to firmly say its his past and its not a issue moving forward, then I wouldn't see the need to divulge(similar to what starting said)
hatzlacha and let us know if you hear from any rebbiem

There is a saying " a lie you are not aloud to say but the all the truth is not a must to say"
Obviously every person need to measure it in every situation, but one point i would like to mention that i believe will give you some positive mind-shift with this inyen and that as follows...

The girl you will be marrying to will be your Plag Gufa that hashem himself and no other prepared specifically for you and only for you!!

When you will marry her you will bring down Hashrues Hashchina ( divine presence )  in your home and in the world, every marriage is fulfilling a part of the reason of the creation of the world... now a person has his junior years to prepare for marriage and everything the boy and the girl goes through before marriage is important and necessary and here is no mistakes on it... be confident that all your struggles was to prepare the perfect husband for your future wife... what to say and how to stay is something you ,  a daas torah  and an expert should decide, but your plag gufa is nothing different than one of your own organs... 

To be honest, if he has substantial sobriety absolutely %100 i would take him for a son inlaw!! I know the strength it take for an addict to get sober, thats the type of guy i want my daughter marrying!!


We need to focus on the HERE and NOW! Surrendering the "whats gonna be in the future" thoughts allows us to actually grow. 

Iyh when you are involved in dating, you will choose a mentor/rebbi to discuss the various issues that will arise. Obviously you will choose someone who is known to have understanding of this challenge. This is of utmost importance for many reasons, including making a decision about your concern. It is a moot point to discuss it now. What is worthwhile to note is that you are obviously a caring and mature individual who does not want to see a wife get hurt chas v'shalom.

There is one benefit to have your question in the back of your mind. Use it as another tactic to conquer this issue. "I would like to get myself so healed from this bad habit that my mentor/rebbi will at least have a tzad that i not need to reveal it". 

Hatzlocha!

Thanks for all the responses, gonna try to reply to all of them at once, everyone really had a lot of mind openers:surprised:

The general sense that I got is that under the guidance of a trained daas Torah, we'll decide together how, what, and when to tell her whatever relevant information. When I read some of your posts I began tearing up, to say that any girl would be lucky to have me, I could be your so inlaw, the ways in which I will connect to my wife... It's a future that I dream of... And continue to work for. This used to be a much more relevant question at the forefront of my thinking, every time I fell... Even as a youngster when I was fighting, I felt like I was cheering and destroying my marriage... Now that I'm working on this inyan in a more systematic, and overall hopefully successful approach two things come to mind. The first is that got to take it day by day, every day is day one of the struggle, and I have to be kind to myself when I feel urges, and if I do succeed, to be happy, but at the same time prepare better for the future. The second is an idea that I heard a lot in Yeshiva, as well as GYE, but only really resonated with me on a deep level lately, the more I talk about it the more I believe it to be true. These years, my avoda is to work on myself and through my challenges to be that husband/father I want to be. The longer I have have from now until marriage, the more I have time to better myself for her (of course avoiding the perfectionist approach, just an idea of getting better for her each day). It gives me so much menuchas hanefesh, because even thou my body may be physically ready to connect to that relationship, there is so much more growing I can do mentally, and spiritually for her... WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY. It gives these times as a (sometimes Lon,ey) yeshiva bachur so much more purpose,band also so much to look forward to. 

Thanks again @battleofthegen, ilovemyself, BHYY, Hashem help me, starting, keseretein, Shmuel, iwillnevergiveup, and ihavestrength 

For anyone that's listening... The mire I dig into GYE the more gold I find. 
There was a whole page someone asked about this question with a bunch links. 
Dov also gave a talk that j listened to a bit of, and it's really kedai I think 
dov
gye dating advise

Thanks so much again for everything guys... your responses got me through yesterday 

Dear Yosef10,

First of all kudos to bringing up  the question. I am sure many guys have this dilemma in some way shape or form and either have not thought about it or have closed the books on themselves for good and your question has both responsibility, ethics, and hope. 

Let’s begin with the fact that everyone has something they will be ashamed about. For men (and women) it can often be topics relating to past sexual conduct. It is even more so difficult for those of us who have been brought up in a more religious background where it is talked about less often. Also to keep in mind that it takes time to build trust and openness through communication to divulge both the more embarrassing & compromising parts of our past as well as the silly, foolish, and mistaken decisions made in our past. 

Also very important to remember is that both men and woman understand and feel urges, exploration, curiosity, as well as falls in matters when it comes to guarding ones eyes and all matters tied to attraction and sex to the opposite gender.

More so, most people understand that we are not getting married with white angels who are perfect. We are getting married with humans who are perfectly imperfect to help us as individuals as well as a couple to grow and learn from each other and reach potential. 

With all that said as the basis, I hope you can understand that you are not hopeless and undeserving of a good woman to build a holy home with for both of you and the next generation. 

It would be worthwhile to take some time and introspect to know exactly where you stand so that you can best prepare for dating and marriage. If there is one thing I learned for my own marriage that I would pass on to anyone is that while you learn very well over time the woman you marry, you learn even more so yourself as marriage is a dynamic that brings more of you out into the light and the more you know yourself the better prepared you will be for that phase in your life. 

Regarding telling her your past while dating, I would of course have that conversation with a mentor, rabbi, or adult in your life that knows YOU well and that will guide you in the best way YOU can be guided (to tell or not to tell and how much if you do tell). I do believe there is a level of healthy honesty of which you can divulge if it should be however it is important to keep things in perspective. What the balance is is something perhaps that a mentor or Rabbi that knows YOU can help. Taking this a bit on a more broader level, it can also be very worthwhile to talk about how sex and intamcy is viewed by each to thier own to understand if , like other aspects talked about during dating, if you and the person you are dating is the right fit. Again, I highly recommend talking about it with a trusted individual in your life.

Know that sex is a vital part of marriage and more so it should be exciting, fun, intimate, for the both of you in a loving and communicative way so that you and your wife to be will be nourished and bond from it. Know also that it takes time even for those that have a clean history. 

Know your triggers, know your potential pitfalls, know your best ways to avoid them and in conjunction with strong communication with your wife to be, you will find that the combination of the two will leave you in a very good place (the present) and your past in a good place as well (the past).

I hope the above helps. Let me know if you want to discuss this more.