My eleven month streak abruptly came to an end last night. I guess its hashems way of telling me " Al taamin beatzmecha ad yom moso". I'm in medical school and as you can imagine its rigorous beyond imagination, Especially now during final exam season! Sleepless nights for weeks on end. Add that together with trying to lead a jewish life: davening, Shabbos, Yom Tov, Wife and kids it almost becomes impossible. The last week or so has been extremely stressful for me both in school and at home that i found myself slipping and my usual cries to hashem of relinquishing my lust to him didn't seem to be working well. I think the final straw for me was in regards to my wife. We only were together once recently when she was permitted. But for the rest of that cycle she wasn't in the mood due to hormonal reasons. Motzai shabbos she told me that shes OK with getting together Sunday night. However when Sunday night came i took a look at the calendar and realized to my horror that we weren't permitted any more. I then had an extreme moment of weakness and downloaded inappropriate content onto my phone through remote logging into unfiltered work computer. I was up for a good portion of the night watching porn; my wife is used to me waking up at crazy hours due to school related work. I feel so down now; i feel like i gave everything up for a few minutes of senseless pleasure. I really hope hashem gives me the power to leave it at this and not to have this as a catalyst for me to spiral back down into full porn addiction. Hashem please Help Us!!!!!!

I know what this is like. More than once I went for about the same amount of time, and then fell. 

You didn't lose all those months clean. Now it's time to pick up and start with 11 months +1 day.

Hatzlacha!

skeptical wrote on 27 Nov 2017 21:19:

I was also sort of like skeptical (excuse the pun ;-)