its funny, i opend this page, and then all the sudden i lost all desire to right anything. even though it might not be true, i feel like no1 really cares about any i have to say. and even if they do in the sense they care about me bc im ther fellow jews, i dnt have the feeling they genuanly care. theres "caring" and thens theres caring. "caring" is righting a nice post on some1s forum page, caariing i staying up all night with some1 who is scared to go to sleep bc they will have nightmares. "careing" is inviting some1 over for shabbs bc u feel bad they r single. caaaring is siting next to them and crying with them, making every goshdarn phone call u can make to get him married. thers doing 100% and then theres doing 1000% percent.
so why do i feel that i deserve 1000%, well maybe i dnt, but i sure try to do that to other ppl. ive stayed up nights worried sick about ppl. ive cried at random ppls funurals. ive went to shiva minyanim, done shmira, for ppl i dnt even know, bc i new no1 else would, and if no1 did, the morners would feel liek no1 cares.
i dnt really know what my point is. im just venting i guess
on a more topical note. im clean since the friday after taanis ester, the last time i did it was at 924 am, befor i went back to yeshiva after my father passed away.
i almost fell this morning at around 917 am, after i missed shacharis
and yet again almost fell about 20 mins prior to this post
told my self id go in this site b4 i do anything i would regret, now that i hav done that, while at the present the urge is gone, i dnt know what the future will bring

anywho, lila tov

Sometimes I also feel like no one cares. Despite the fact that I have thousands of posts and people respond to them. I've also felt exasperated sometimes because people aren't doing enough to get me married, I've felt rejected, dejected. I've also wallowed in emotionalism to the point that I've cried for random people [really I was crying for myself].
Venting helps. Venting in writing helps even more, it let's us go back and see if we're as right as we think we are, and others are as wrong as we think they are.

Love you, really.

TehillimZugger wrote:


OK, OK, we'll bl"n try harder. Please post your resume (and a more realistic picture of yourself).

Love you, really.

MT

Mt, no reason to hijack Reb Yid's thread...

Sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me.

Hatzlacha,

MT

WELCOME!!!!

I don't just "care" for you. I don't even care for you. I CARE for you!. Thats right I even care for you and even care for you because i care

Anyhow, Welcome to the forum. Its amazing you came here instead of falling.

Perhaps, check out Skep's tips. They have really helped me a lot.

Could you tell us a little bit more about yourself? Why you fall? etc....Then maybe we will care a little bit more about you!

Its great to have you here.

link to original thread - guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/218771-The-test-begins-after-you-fall

wow, i just re read that post of mine and i sound like a child. sheesh

idk, i guess i was just really ticked off that i made it for almost 3 weeks just to have this huge tushe urge to hit me like that. and like it woulndt go away. its like sitting in a watch tower shooting down zombies and u dont see the stream of them ending towards you.

i know life is about ups and downs, but its like the good times r ruined by my fear of the bad times to come. i was talking about this with a girl i was dating (not any more ) that i have trouble with everything being OK. that i don't know how to deal with happyness. i some time even catch my self creating problems. im miserable wen im miserable, and im miserable wen im happy.

ya that's a tad over dramatic, but u get the idea.

like i should be estatic that i am 3 weeks clean, and not to mention i with stood an entire day of almost falling, but im not. im kinda happy, im not depressed, but im not as happy as id expected to be.

idk, maybe my i have to high expectations. i alwasy dreamed of a life of happyness, and i have a vivid imagination, so ive probibly just overhyped it. idk.

i dnt even remember if ive posted this yet, but a little over 2 months ago my father passed away, very suddenly. it kinda took away the problems i was going though and replaced them with fresh new even worse problems. i still cry, still have anxiety attacks about what will be. this isn't some cheesy plea for sympathy, just me being honest i guess.

its hard. its hell. and life is moving on and i dnt know if i want it to. i dnt know if i want to be ok with my father passing. like maybe if i get over it i will for get him. and i know i wont "forget" him, but forget wat it was lke to have him, and not miss his pressence. like if im not in constant agoney over his loss, ill be doing something wrong. idk, yes it sounds silly, but tis how i feel/felt/sometime feel.



dms1234 wrote:


<3 your o to kind. the cynical side of me wants to argue with you and show how you cant care for some1 u dont know, or can even prove isnt some program some1 made to type random post on a forum, but that would be rude. i do truly appreciate ur kind words. ( im not so good with accepting ppls help, you get to know that :/)

TehillimZugger wrote:


not sure i can relate to this. sure i cry for other ppl, but i dnt think i do it for my self, unless im being entirely self deceitful. i mean i guess we can trace every action we do to a cause and effect. rarely do ppl do things not for them selves. even if its for others, even if no1 knows about it, deep deep deeeeep down, if we r truly honest, we know we do it to make our selves feel good. even martyrs who give ther lives up are doing it for there glory, or the effect it will have on people. and i dnt think its a bad thing. its not "ideal" its not "leshma", but leshma to me is perfectionism, and thats a bad thing, at least for me. reletivly speaking, its alot better to do things for ppl for selvish motives then no good motives at all. there r plenty of people who dnt even have a pretext about doing things for others. i cant even fathom doing something solely for some1 else, something else, or els why would i do it? wat would make me do it? its enough to drive my self crazy. i can only look at it like if im doing the right thing, im thinking about other and not my self, then im doing ok. maybe latter ill worrie about my true deep down motivations.

i dnt have any answers for my questions. all i can do is sit tight in my watch tower with my gun held high, waiting ever so vigilently, till the dawn arives

Listen up RebYid, to me it seems that you're looking at a blueprint.

Did you ever see a contractor with some workers and the homeowner, a bunch of people crowded around a table looking at huge paper! There are so many details...

One thing at a time. Boy is it difficult when everything else is fighting to come in, but if I let everything in, I'll be miserable. One thing, I am clean for three weeks! Hooray! Another thing, Yesterday was torture but I'm still clean, BIGGER HOORAY! Another thing, your father passed away, B"H I cannot identify with this but I'm sure there are lots of different things that bother you about his passing, Fears, Questions, all of these must be dealt with One At A Time. Shidduchim, must be taken One Day At A Time.
I can be miserable, but only if I choose to be miserable. When I Choose to look at everything at once and become overwhelmed, that's my choice. When I give a long cry afterwards and I feel relieved, the problems didn't go away at all, they'll just come back more strongly tomorrow. If I choose to take things one at a time, Living in the Present. Then I can find serenity, no Matter what Life deals me.

Itcha anochi batzarrah, TZ

Reb Yid - Great posts, you touched on one point that I also have been thinking about.

How to shift between moods. I'm talking as much for myself as for you

When Feeling Happy... Its ok to be happy, to feel success, and not wait for failure. When you are on a high, great. If you need to come back to 'normal', thats ok too, and does not mean one needs to crash by lusting or otherwise.

Feeling Down... You just lost your father (I'm really sorry to hear). You don't know how you are going to get through this mess (We really all want to help you and I"YH with your perseverance you will get there). Its normal to feel down. Thank G-D you can feel!

Its hard to shift through different moods... and harder to just feel the feelings rather than resorting to a drug (insert your preferred here) - which just pulls oneself out of life and into a fantasy land (e.g. by looking at someone on the street who happens to be pretty or worse...) I'm really sorry you are going through a hard time but super happy you are here with a chevra and talking about it. Please don't beat yourself up for being normal and missing your father... Hamokom Y'nachem.

Thinking of you buddy.

Don't know what to say really but i am sure that if you need anything you can find it here. i haven't been here so long but it seems that if you need someone to cry to, to understand you, to hear you out, to invite you over, or anything else, just let out a cry and there will probably be someone available to you.
I have heard that there alot of guys that speak to each other on the phone and meet up in person.
i myself have never seen such a caring group of people, even if they are anonymous.
HAshem should help you get through everything

May you know of no more sorrow.
May you be comforted along with the mourners of Zion.
May God be with you in a special way.
Only simchos and continued hatzlachah.

idk what to do

i have literally been fighting urges since shabbos started. i got 4 hours of sleep last night. ive been on the verge of falling for days on end.
being home doesn't help either. i have stuf to do but not enough to just keep me busy 24/7.

nothing much to say i guess. just wish it would go away

RebYid90 wrote:


I wish my hayfever would go away. But wishing it doesn't seem to work for me. So until I get my hayfever tablets I'll have to just avoid the park entirely.

cant really avoid my brain or my body but appreciate the sentiment.

having these urges is so much worse then being an addicted to like drugs or alcohol. (just my personal feeling, don't bite my head off, i'm not judging) u can stay away from substances. u cant stay away form your mind or body parts.
i got 4 hours of sleep bc my mind literally would not shut off last night

RebYid90 wrote:

You haven't been on the verge of falling, you have been MISGABER since shabbos started. That's amazing. we all know what it is like to have to be fighting "the urge". You are an inspiration. take a step back and let yourself be inspired by yourself.
go out and get yourself a good meal to celebrate.