(link to the first part of my story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/218632-Insert-Witty-Title-Here#218803 )

so baruch hashem, i have been "sober" (i like that term since i have had an issue with alcohaul aswell, nothing serious) for a little over a day. i will use this thread i guess to talk about my day to day strugle as well as shed light onto my story, because its quiet intresting.
one of my big problems is to stay motivate in a consistent manner, where thats keep on recording my progress, or just staying intrested in getting better in general. so some days might be more then other but i wana work on consitency
day 1:
so far its not even so hard. could be it just the general motivation and high ive been on as to finding this site in the first place. so i guess im actualy doing "good". wow thats a forieghn conscept to me. like realy. i sometimes dont even know how to be happy.
so i guess i just be patient and see where this all goes.

Sept 11, 2012, day 2,

two days clean so far. then funny thing is that it hasent been hard at all so far. while i dont know if this is normal or just a glitch, i hav recently gone almost a month clean when i was dating this girl seriously. for some reason i just didnt feel the need to and had no interest. then when she broke it off and i was heart broken, i was like, well no reason not to go back, and back i went.
Anywho, two days and so far no problem, BH. not getting complacent. i put filters on my comp and phone, just got to give the paswords to my friend now. ill get to it. honestly the filters wont stop me if i am truely intent on doing it, and honestly i have a good enough imagination that a comp or phone are not even necessary, but its a step in the right direction i feel. trying to stay positive. im in a new yeshiva this zman, one considerably larger the my old one, and its quite a big adjustment. i know a couple of people but dont have alot fo friends yet. just trying to survive i guess. the hard thing was when i first came here i was dating this girl, thinking i would be engaged soon, so when we broke off i was hit with the fact im in this new place with no friends and no support. so it was not a good couple of weeks sinning wise. btu now im on the right track, taking it 1 second at a time.and since im not dating again till after sukkos, idk what will be.
yom kippur is almost here and im not sure how to feel about it. like i know that being involved in this site shwos hashem i wana change, but idk if its enough to get a gmar chesima tova. i have waking up for shachris issues, have made it to like 2 slichos, the first and erev rosh hashana. ik, not good. idk, just me doubting myself again....
lol, as i speak there is this frum girl in starbux staring at me in a flirtatious way... sigh. not truely intrested at all. im not realy the firting type, for multiple reason. social anxiety, low self esteem, ect.

ok enough rambling. hatzlacha to evry1 and a happy wednesday!

RebYid90 wrote:

Take it easy, one small step at a time.

What is enough to get a gmar chasima tova? So if you made slichos every day, then you'd have it made???

Anyway, that is Hashem's cheshbon, not ours. Keep trying your best and let Hashem keep score. He is not a meanie waiting for us to mess up so he can zap us. He is our loving father yearning for us to return to him. You are starting on that journey. What a zechus!

Oh, and here is a good story.

RebYid90 wrote:


Just do it.I don't know why, but when I had the passwords to the filter it made pretty much no difference in my acting out but when I gave away the password (more like got someone else to make them) then, even after finding holes in the filter, I stopped acting out on a regular basis.

Maybe it's just doing a positive action reinforced the decision to stop for me.

You're doing a great job so far, KUTGW.

This is something I posted a while ago but is definitely relevant now,

inastruggle wrote:


I think that if you sincerely decide to give up acting out for the rest of your life, and do actions, such as joining gye, and putting filters on all your devices then Hasehem can easily be mayid on you not acting out again.

Gmar chasimah tova.

RebYid90 wrote:


I read your whole introductory story and identified very strongly with many of the sentiments you express.

The statement you make about going clean while dating is quite fascinating to me, because I would think that solving this mystery is the key to getting to the source of your problem and resolving it at its root (which is anyway a good idea to do before getting married). I have one question, which of course you don't need to answer: Did you find this phenomena while with other girls (including the one you speak about in your intro) or only this girl?

I read your story about the elul drosho. If it's of any value, I want to say that you should know it's true that hashem really loves you and is with you even at your lowest point (poor him, where we drag him...), you should never doubt that. Even when it feels like he is throwing you full force into the mud, it is really only for your benefit, even if that seems impossible, maybe you'll understand how that is at a later time, maybe you will never understand, but either way the fact remains. And one more thing: the fact that you face a challenge is 100% proof that you can overcome it, stumbling and falling in the process does not change that. And yes, if you don't fight, you can't win...

I wish you lots of hatzlocho in your journey! I just started my own... See you on the other side!

[quote="smiley1900" post=218964]RebYid90 wrote:


actualy yes. with my "GF" at first i did it but then i kinda in a sencer just forgot about porn and sinning. then wen i was "dumped" i just kinda fell back as a comfort. it seems to be any time i get serious with a girl i dont feel the need to do it. while i understand this could be a dangerous thing to say or think, it could be like i have this desire for real intimacy, and while sinning doesn't cut it perse, its better then nothing.and the weirder thingk is the girls i hav been with, i have almost never thought about in a lustful sexual way. Ik it scared me.
idk, not so sure bout it. need to think about it more.

thanks so much to everyone who is listening and repyling to my post. knowing ppl r reading my story and journey realy motivates me to continue and stay clean.

sept 12, day 3 (third times the charme, aye? ( no im not canadian))

things are good but its almost like that silent part befoure the bad guy shows up in a movie. i have this feeling that something will happen and that idk if i can deal with it. completly irational, mind you, but its getting to me. bh seder is doing well, but still having issues with davening. i have serious issues with keeping a schedual. and no matter what time i go to sleep i never find it easy to wake up.

not proud of this but last night i drank a little bit b4 bed and watch a stupid tv show. nothing pritzusdik, just sill and stupid. and the drinking, i didnt get drunk, nor have i gotten drunk in a long time. maybe at one point in time i would of considered my self a bordeline alcoholic, but i have thus realised that it is a usles atempt to just fill a void. unlike sinning, its not fun b4 ( bc i need alot to drink to get drunk), not fun during, ( drinking alone is stupid and non of my current friends drink), and not fun after, ( i get terrible stomache aches and it triggers a migraine. so why i did i drink lastnight? not sure to say the truth. maybe just something of a "time killer" or w/e. the reason i started drinking was because i realised im a much more exiting person when im drunk. (social anxiety issies). i would alwasy drink b4 going to some1s house for shabbos and it just became a habbit. then wen i started drinking during the week i new it was time to stop, so ya. thats that.
ik i hav issues of not keeeping buisy, and wen im busy i feel to overwelmed. so hopefully wen i start college and get back to dating it will be ok. but overall staying positive, and earning to accept anything that comes my way is from god and it will all be ok in the end, it alwasy has and always will.
as for yom kippur aproaching, just telling myself im doing what i can, and just be positive about the day. " lo haya yomim tovinm l yisroel k' yom kippur v tu bav" ( totaly batched that quote but u get the idea)
gmar chasima tov rabosai

[quote="RebYid90" post=219086]smiley1900 wrote:


The similarities of what you describe to what I have experienced are scary. Here is my story, hope it helps you: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/218879-%28trying-to%29-Keep-Smiling#219129

wow, i think i was kind of the same way. in highschool, i use to think i was just the loner type who just sit in my room playing video games and reading comic books for the rsat of my life. i litteraly shut the world out and let nothing in. so when i went away for beismedresh and had to interact with ppl, and had some positive exeriences with making relationships with frineds, (and others), i realised im more social then most ppl, but on a much deeper, interpersonal lvl. thats why i hate social events, bc they r so fake and meaningless, and i have no desire to talk about the weather or how cool someone is at a kiddush or wedding. i want to connect on a reeeal lvl. when at one point i was ashamed of my emotions, i realise now they are my koiach in this world. to connect with ppl and raise them up. this is why iwant to be a social worker/therapist. and now im thinking perhaps an addiction therapist as well, god willing once im over or have this in control.
another recent realization ive come across is when i date, io try so hard to control the aprearence of who i am in fear i will be missrepresenting my self. i act all suave and cool on first and second dates, wheni the real me shows up the girl is shocked. " what? your quiet and shy? no way". so now i have to reaqlise i have to be my self, nto force it, and if the girl doesnt like what she see, then its not for me. its a hard thing to lear nand a hardetr thing to practice, but hopefuly with gods help i will make it.
thanks for your post it means the world

I felt somehow that you would connect with at least part of my story, I'm glad you found it useful

One more piece of (unsolicited) dating advice (in addition to acting yourself): people like you and me are very susceptible to emotional triggers, in other words it is very easy to suddenly feel a deep emotional connection with somebody when something about them "clicks" (sometimes described as "falling in love" or "love at first sight"). The problem when this happens is that once somebody is emotionally involved their judgment is clouded and it is almost impossible to use rational judgment, never mind objectivity to make a decision. My advice is to be aware when meeting a girl that you connect with instantly, that you should not evaluate how you feel about it until you have verified that it is really the right thing for you. My motto is "first it's gotta sound right, then it's gotta feel right".

Good luck and gemar chasima tova!

yes, your a million percentright. thast what happened my first time around, and ever since i can tell im so cautious when i date about 'luv at first site'. i guess i just cant get over how easily duped i was. im a very perceptive person and chap on very quick.
i guess everything in life has its purose, even the unpleasent things

sept 13, day 4, erev yom kippur


staying strong for the long haul. i have been doing a lot of thinking in the recent week. i generaly do a lot of thinking but i fell like this week ive done nothing but think. to start i have been thinking about why i even want to stop. like we all say we are addicted, which i feel is true to a certain level. but honestly, if i was a goy and i was where i am, i dont think that this would be a problem. sinning has never actually affected my relationships with my parents. nor has it affected relationships with my friend. ( indirectly it has because of the guilt and shame i feel and there for adding to my lack of self worth). like i hear goyim do this all the time and its considered "normal" and "healthy". your only a "sex addict" if it gets "out of control and affects your everyday life". i never ever tryed to find a zona or ever payed money for it in anyway. maybe i should be thankful it never got to that point.
now im just speaking for my self. im sure some of you have a serious problem that is affecting your marriages and live, and im inspired and in awe that so many people are here working on it. i guess my point is that my problem with it is from a religious and spiritual aspect, and that i maybe i have more of a psychological addiction then a phisical one? idk. i don't consider my self a pervert, and get severely uncomfortable when people around me talk about crude and lewd subjects. I think i have a great respect for women, and if i wouldn't be a frum Jew would probibly have more women friends then men. now of course i have issues with pornography and the like, but it alwasy seems like it was a removed part of me, like it wasn't really me, despite my lust for it. idk, it all seems confusing sometimes.
anywho, i feel very hopeful for this years yom kippur, that i migfht finaly have a chance of meaning it when i say i will stop sinning, by trying as hard as i can to stay away from it for as long as i can, one day at a time. i remember last years yom kippur after neila, while evry1 is happy and joyus, i was so depressed and sad that i felt like i just didnt make it. so may this year be different.

gmar chasima tov rabosai and keep up the good fight. never give up!

RebYid, I identify very strongly with every word you are saying (are you sure you are not reading my mind?...)

I want to comment on two of the points which you mention to be confusing, hopefully adding some clarity:

1. The religious aspect: chassidus teaches that a yid has two neshomos, who are like two kings battling over the person for leadership, the first is the nefesh behamis "the animal soul" which is the source for all our evil desires (even some of our good natural desires), and the second is the nefesh elokis "the godly soul" which all it wants is to reconnect with hashem. When a person sometimes feels like sinning and sometimes feels like being holy, this can be very confusing, and a person asks "who am I really?". But knowing that those feelings are internal voices which are not who we are, but it is our choice and responsibility which voice to listen to, this should help alleviate the confusion (it does for me...). So, while the voice of the nefesh behamis is constantly telling us and pushing us to sin, the nefesh elokis is constantly telling us not to, and since yidden are children of hashem, our true inner desire is to do what the nefesh elokis says, even though our body usually wants to listen to the nefesh behamis.
2. The psychological/addiction aspect: I've been obsessed with this very question about can my problem be considered an addiction or like you rightfully say about how it is from a worldly perspective, that it wouldn't be considered a problem at all, and it is only the religious aspect which "turned it" into a problem. This is a very subtle question, which perhaps shouldn't be discussed at length on this forum as the subtleties can be the source of confusion for many. Let me just say what I've come out with from this conversation: if somebody feels that they want to stop and should stop but can't bring themself to do it on their own, then it doesn't matter if it is an addiction or not, it doesn't even matter if it is "really" a problem or not, the very fact that someone is doing something they don't want to do and can't stop is a problem and needs to be dealt with with whatever tools work best. You seem to have made the right move in this direction and I wish you much hatzlocho in your quest (I couldn't make that move until I understood what I was doing and why, thank god, and with the help of others on the forum I got my answers pretty quickly...).

I just want to say one more thing, I feel like the core issue behind this "problem" (whatever you want to call it) almost always lies in an unfulfilled need which in some measure either is or appears to be fulfilled with p and m (I've been hacking at this concept here as well: http://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/219008-Core-Issues). I think that identifying that unfulfilled need and finding healthy ways to fulfill that need is the cure for this "problem" and is a very good long term goal for people dealing with these issues. This WILL NOT resolve issues of addiction and bad habits, for which other methods are necessary to break, but in my opinion it is essential to long term recovery.
In my case the unfulfilled need is the need for meaningful communication (which I am trying to fulfill here, so far so good!), unfortunately, men are mostly not really wired to communicate meaningfully, while women, for the most part are, which is why I feel that (as opposed to "normal" men) my attraction to women is more on an emotional level than on a physical level. Your description of how you feel about women seems to suggest the same.
Also, your description and feelings about your problem seem to suggest that your main problem is with an unfulfilled need as opposed to an addiction, although doing something for a long time does become a habit which is hard to break without special "habit breaking" tools (like the 90 day chart). This is how I feel, and I am therefore confident that as long as my emotional needs are met, beating the chart will be a piece of cake. Of course, I am only on day 2 and a half, and shouldn't be overconfident, but I feel that alleviating the confusion goes a long way for me.

Good luck and a good Yom Tov!

Smiley,

so just to make sure i get what your saying, is that its a two part process. its first "beating" the addiction, which comprises of just stopping and being clean for a long time, and then finding why you do it in the first place and then filling the hole up with something so you wont go down that road again?