I have asked Hashem many times for freedom from sex addiction and the many forms it has taken in my life. But often even as I am asking for help, I know I will go back to what I have been doing in some form or other. I have been struggling with some of these issues for almost 4 decades, and it kind of feels unrealistic that I will ever succeed in maintaining any kind of sexual sobriety. Sometimes, I feel I should just stop asking because I'm obviously not sincere. Maybe I should daven for sincerity?

Welcome Oslost to GYE!!!

You are not alone any longer, there are lots of us here all experiencing the same as you, going through the same struggles as you!!

Your post brings back some very distinct memories, my asking Hashem to take away the problem. I had the same feelings as you, even though I wasn't yet struggling a decade.

When I came to GYE, I learned why that was. There is a saying in AA (maybe from joe and charlie, I don't remember exactly) it goes "I asked G-d to take it away, so that I wouldn't need to give it up".

We are here on this world to deal with desire, not to be angels and not have desires. I used to ask Hashem to take away my desires, because the pleasure is so strong that if I desire it, I'm not going to be able to forgo that pleasure. I wanted to be able to learn and daven and serve Hashem (really myself, but that's not for now) without having to deal with these lowly things.

What I learned here was that Hashem wants me to give up the pleasure, I am here to work, as Gevura writes B'shem R' Matisyahu Solomon, "bechira is saying no to something that we want" (something to that effect). The question now becomes, what can I do to keep myself from giving in, what am I doing so that when the desire does come, and it will, I won't succumb?

My tefilah to Hashem became "Hashem please help me deal with the situations that you put me in, the way you want me to deal with them" which is very different from what I was asking before "Hashem, please don't put me into uncomfortable situations"

Have you read the GYE Handbook yet? There are a lot of good tools there.

Don't be a stranger!!

KOP (Keep on Posting)!!

Pidaini wrote:


Rav Chaim of Valoshin brings in the name of his Rebbee The Vilna Gaon, That he (the VG) spent a very long period of time (years, I think) shut up in his home, with the windows closed and covered, so that he should not be distracted by sights and sounds from the outside, which might disturb him in his Avodas Hashem ! Someone who noticed this, said to the Gaon, "It is no big deal to sit like that, all shut away from any distractions and disturbances, and make progress in Torah learning and spiritual improvement! Let's see if you could keep that up while YOU DO have distractions and temptations! THAT would be a true acomplishment!"
The Gaon answered him "We were NOT put into this world to do "kuntzin!" (loosly translated -"stunts"), we are here to grow and progress in Torah and Avodas Hashem, and therefore we must look for every way possible to continue toward that goal, and we must try to remove anything which will hinder our progress toward that goal".

I am NOT disagreeing with your point of the need to be able to resist temptations when we ARE faced with them, and as Rav Matisyahu said to be able to say NO to our desires, But to say that we ARE ONLY here for the purpose of overcoming temptations and desires, and thus there is no point in asking Hashem to remove those desires and temptations, I would have to disagree in view of the above quoted lesson from the Vilna Gaon.

shivisi wrote:


And I'm going to say thank you for clarifying my point.

Did the VG try to live like a "normal" person and just ask Hashem to take away the taavah to look at everything going on around him?

No, he took action, he put shutters on the windows so that he wouldn't look even if he wanted to, he locked the door so that he should think twice about leaving, he put up fences himself so that he wouldn't have to struggle with the YH head on.

When I used to ask Hashem to take it away, I wanted to be able to live the same exact way, just without the desire.....for starts, I want to be able to look on the streets freely without having the desire to stare at women, I want to be able to have unfiltered internet without having the desire to go look for porn, those are very simple things that I want to be able to do.

There are more sensitive things that I want to be able to do as well, I want to be able to keep my shortcomings to myself and beat them myself without having to tell anyone else, I want to be able to protect my pride and expectations without the side affect of running to porn when life doesn't go my way, and there are more...

What I learn from the VG is that Hashem wants me to change my way of living so that I stay away from the battle with the desires (powerless, in other words), not to ask Him to just take away the desires. I need to put up filters, I need to keep my eyes from wandering, I need to keep my pride at bay, I have to face my shortcomings.....those are my "shutters" and "locked doors" to keep the desire out.

Welcome to GYE oslost.

I have to say that your last idea sounded the best, maybe you should daven for sincerity. I found with me that sincerity didn't really come until a little later in the process. I was never really sincere, since I never really believed I could stop, and I enjoyed masturbating too darn much.

However, that does not mean that there are not things that you should do until you are hit by the sincerity lightning bolt. After all, mitoch shelo lishma ba lishma. Go through the motions, put up filters, stay on GYE, read the handbook, sign up for 90 days if that is your thing (I love it, but it is not for everyone), join a conference call. Try anything you can to stop, I mean isn't it worth trying anything after 40 years. After all, if you change nothing, then nothing will change.

Try staying clean,do your hishtadlus, stay clean just for today, and with G-d's help you will learn sincerity.

Good Luck

The quote from Rav Matisyahu went something like this:

"Bechira doesn't mean you can do whatever you want, it means you can choose do do what you DON'T want."

Welcome,
I'm not smart enough to know how to do it.

If it's any consolation, I was engrossed in this filth for four decades as well.
I am not anymore.
find something that works for you.
for some it may be davening, but for the majority of the people who come to this site, it must be some sort of action.

b'hatzlachah.

I can very much relate to what you are writing. I was also doubtful of my sincerity. After all someone who dresses a I do (black hat), learns as I do (one of the best in Kolel), davens as I do (carefully with Kavono), yet still deliberately looks at forbidden images - I must be the world's biggest hypocrite!! I am not only acting frum to the rest of the world - I am even pretending to be frum to myself! What bigger hypocrisy is there than that!!

On the other hand, if I am really a hypocrite, so what am I doing trying to beat the Yetzer Horo? WHy did I come to GYE? After all, I have never been discovered. I am careful enough that I probably never will be. So why am I trying? Only because I am sincere!!

So I spent a long time racking my brains what I really wanted, agonising over my own sincerity.

The truth is, only now (60 days clean, כן ירבו) do I begin to understand the real answer (which I could not possibly understand while stuck in the cycle of lust).

The real answer is that I did not know who I really was.

I was always sincere, but the Yetzer Horo was tearing me apart. It hid my real self.

Rediscovering myself is my recovery. This means discovering that I can love and not hate, be tolerant and not angry, and accept Hashem's will without resentment. When I am able to submit to Hashem then I can find myself again. Just me. No ego, no Chometz. Just me, as Hashem created me. This was my Yetzias Miztrayim.

You do not need to be put off by your age. The real person is still there, just hidden. We just need to ask Hashem to help us peel off the covering. If not, Hashem will do it without asking us. Just then it will be much much more painful.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!!

Thinking of you and your struggles

Pidaini it was Roy in the White Book, which makes it an SA quote rather than an AA quote.
Shivisi it was the Dubno Maggid.
I'm in the mood of showing off my exttensive knowledge of everything and anything, and proving how I'm better than anyone and everyone.
Thanks for listening and feeding my ego.

Thank you all for your comments. I'm not as frum as most of you are all, but I still feel like a religious hypocrite much of the time. There's a big gap between my behavior and what I believe or what I tell myself or imply to others that I believe.

I don't really know if i can contribute, as the rest, especially my dear friend Pidaini, wrote incredible.

I can suggest going to this forum. Look especially at the 12 tips by skeptical: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/219536-Welcome-New-Members%21#219536

Oslost wrote:


The one thing that really matters here on GYE is that you are trying to stop using lust, and it seems that you fit that criteria!!

So what's the plan?

hi oslost!

you got a amazing welcome all the guys gave a great deal of info in this thread nothing to add just reviewing all of the above its all about getting a real grip of yourself and realizing what our battle is and what we need to do about it so keep on hanging out with these amazing tzaddikim who are preaching hashems will.

kol tov we hope to hear more from you!

Pidaini wrote:


Shivisi asks Pidaini:
How do do we understand the Tefilla we say every day after the Birchos hashachar "Ve'al Teveeainee Leeydaey NISAYON".
It would seem to say that we are asking Hashem for a life WITHOUT Nisayon???

Oslost wrote:


March 1 is five months of my sexual sobriety. Somehow I am afraid to give up many things in nonobservant life and to become fully observant. I hope I can give up m., but I am not sure I can give up laziness -- I usually say one or two Amidas and one or two Shema a day, and almost no other prayers. Giving up non kosher food was easy, giving up work on Sabbath was sort of easy -- all that I did in 1990s.