dear watson, i think that there is a lot to be learned from your post and your struggle. i think that you'll agree that the yetzer has a way of being VERY threatening and then goes away and repeats the cycle, difficult to get a grip on him. may i humbly suggest out of the blue a aid that some people find helpful? regular exercise.
your friend lavi.

Part of my step 2:


G-d is perfect. He never changes because He is perfect already. As such I cannot affect Him with my actions at all.
G-d is infinitely loving. He loves all His creations with a perfect love and wants the very best for them.
G-d is infinitely wise. He understands me better than I possibly could, He knows what my purpose is and He knows how to lead me in that direction.
G-d is infinitely patient. He teaches me and leads me at exactly the right pace for me. He forgives my mistakes while He waits for me to learn better.
G-d is infinitely tolerant. He tolerates my mistakes and shortcomings.
G-d is infinitely kind. He gives me everything I need to fulfil my purpose and be happy.
G-d has absolute power. Nothing can stop Him from doing what He wants, not even the person He is trying to help but is unaware of it.
G-d is infinitely forgiving. He sustains all life, even those that reject Him.
G-d is infinitely gracious. He wants us to become like Him, choosing good over evil.
G-d is infinitely generous. He listens to every prayer and gives each person what they need.
G-d is infinitely just. G-d is infinitely truthful.
G-d loves me like a father, teaches me like a mentor, rebukes me like a doctor, and wants me to succeed in the ultimate purpose of life which is to be close to Him by emulating Him.

I have a question I would like to hear your responses to:

I know the program, all the ins and outs. I recognize the mechanisms at work when I act out and even well before I act out. I take the actions, reading, listening to talks, calling people, meetings, sponsor, working the steps. And yet I'm still at a complete loss as to what will work for me.

I know what works for others. I've seen people starting from worse places get better, I've seen people do much less work than me and get better, I've seen people who don't really get the program get better. What is different about me that I can't get out of this rut?

I can help others, I can offer some advice and I've been thanked a number of times by people who say that I helped them in some way. But I can't help myself. It's not even because I don't see what's going on with me. I see it clearly. I can feel how I used resentment last night as an excuse to 'get back at' the person and do what feels good in the moment. I know what was happening. I barely even enjoyed it. I knew what I needed to do to stop. But I didn't bother. Why? Why is this not working for me?

Please help.

dear watson
my heart goes out to you. you are suffering immensely. i don't have the right words to say. i am davening to Hashem to give you the breakthrough that you need.

Good question!
Thanks Doc.

We have been together quite some time and we have both had our ups and downs.
The question bothers me as well, and I am unsure of the answer.

I am, however, sure of two things.

1. We/You have improved, and that is a grand thing!
2. We should be focusin' on the "now," and not on the question at hand. It will be what will be, but that won't change what we need to do now.

b'hatzlachah to us all.

Dr.Watson wrote:


maybe those who don't know so much have an easier time surrendering

I opened this thread with you in mind!!

B"H I was struck by a very moving 1st 2nd and 3rd step prayer earlier today. It goes a little like this:

Ki hiney kachomer beyad hayotzer
birtzoso marchiv uvirtzoso mekatzer,
kain anachnu beyodcho Chesed Notzer
Labris habeit v'al tefen layetzer.

Hello Dr. Waston im sorry to hear that things aren't working out the best way I know the frustration of trying so hard and not succeeding I wish you the best of success. Im relatively new here to gye I just wanted to say that for me I went to a sex addict therapist and it really helped me because under my addiction lied a lot of un dealt feelings. I will be honest I truly think under every person suffering from this lies feelings that need to be taken care of it can be anything for ex. anger, depression, stress, guilt, fear of disapproval ,loneliness,childhood trauma. I don't know you or you situation its just a thought Bhaztlacha Raba

A friend of mine called me yesterday and asked why torah tavlin doesn't work with this issue. I said torah tavlin works for fights with the yetzer hora, this is an illness, a very different thing.

I said to him that maybe this is what us frum addicts have such problems with. An alcoholic or gambler can more easily see that the problem with his behaviour is that he's ill, not evil. It's easier to make the distinction between a clear aveiroh, and doing something self-destructive that's not explicitly forbidden.

Today I opened my tehillim and saw the following words:

Hasoleiach lechol avonoychi,
Horofei lechol tachluoychi,
Hagoel mishachas chayoychi.

(Who forgives all your sins, Who heals all your illnesses, Who redeems from the pit of your life.)

What I understand from that is that there's no need to make a distinction between the aveiroh and the illness, because the solution is one and the same. By turning our lives over to Hashem, He will first forgive the aveiroh, then heal us, then redeem us. And davka in that order.

Doc,

Nice words...but how do we/you/us/they turn our lives over to Hashem? Is there a switch? Should we daven better? Perhaps, by modeh ani say with full commitment that we will do everything what God wants us to do today? Someone here said that he runs his day, or he wants to run his day at least, by a simple resolution: he is ready to do whatever the Eibishter wants from him at every moment of his life.

So what does "turnin' your life to hashem" mean to you?

b'hatzlachah

"Modeh Ani", besides for the usual translation of "I thank", can also be translated as "I admit". So we say "I admit that the only reason i am alive right now is because in Your kindness You returned my soul to me for another day. Therefore I am obligated to live this day according to Your will."

And that is the answer to your friends question........are we learning Hashem's Torah, in other words "Hashem's guide to life" (literal translation of Torah) and seeing how we can run our lives accordingly? or are we learning a geshmakeh chochma for one of many different personal benifits (including trying to distract ourselves)?

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


And if we take that a little further, we can extend the word מודה, to include מודע. [The Gr"a teaches that in Lashon Hakodesh any two words which sound alike, are connected].
מודע means aware, conscious of, alert to, so this would say that a prerequisite to every day's life, first thing in the morning, I must be, and remain, aware and conscious, and constantly alert, to this fact, that "that the only reason i am alive right now is because in Your kindness You returned my soul to me for another day. Therefore I am obligated to live this day according to Your will".
The base root of the word מודע is ידיעה, which translates to חיבור, as in וידע קין את אשתו, We must be constantly attached to this concept.
Yet even before the concept of שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחמלה, we say מלך - חי וקים.
We must always acknowledge that Hashem is: A- MELECH, and B- "Chai V'kayom", Always the inseparable, and ever-continuously real living מלך of every area in our lives.

From the Big Book:

At the hospital I was separated from alcohol for the last time. Treatment
seemed wise, for I showed signs of delirium tremens.
There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with
me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I
admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was
lost. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my newfound Friend
take them away, root and branch. I have not had a drink since.
My school mate visited me, and I fully acquainted him with my problems
and deficiencies. We made a list of people I had hurt or toward whom I felt
resentment. I expressed my entire willingness to approach these individuals,
admitting my wrong. Never was I to be critical of them. I was to right all such
matters to the utmost of my ability.
I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common
sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt,
asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have
me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness
to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great
measure.