I understand.

I will write here what I wrote on a different thread; perhaps it will help somewhat.

Perhaps don't have a specific agenda as to what YOU are lookin' for in sobriety. Maybe that is some of the issue.
B'derech efshar....you decided that the only way you will be satisfied is if this addiction to lust is completely "dibbuked-out" (exorcised) from your body and brain. I feel that this is what step 1 is teachin'....acceptin' this fact that this is who we are....this is our dna....will there come a time when with the assistance of God, our dna will change? Perhaps, but acceptance and surrender teaches us that that is none of our @#$%in' business. That is the Ribbono shel Oilam's gesheft; not ours.

What is our job?
Simply one thing.
To remain sober for right now.
We shouldn't give a damn if we used any of the aforementioned options.
We should plan on workin' the steps, or usin' the chevra, or learnin' more mussar, or Tapshik, or whatever.

The goal remains the same.

If we keep this goal in mind, we are not even white-knucklin' like some might argue.
White-knucklin' is when we have a ten-hour period that we are desperately tryin' to get thru unscathed. That is a lot of superfluous pressure on us.

This way, our focus and mission is ONLY on this moment before us....not more, not less.

b'hatzlachah

I just saw a movie that almost certainly had no nudity in it so I rationalised I could watch some of it. Then I realised that I ave no interest in the movie, I was just kinda hoping there might be some triggering scenes and that it would trigger my allergy and I can go act out and it wouldn't be my fault. A 'kosher' movie made me relapse!

Then I remembered something Pure Daniel told me beshaeim Captain Steve:

My addiction wants to kill me and make it look like an accident!

So true! Movie closed unwatched. Back to work.

Love the line! Thanks DOC!

Nothing much to report, but I just want to update.

B"H still sober, about 3 weeks now.

I had a tough time on Sunday, feeling very lustful. I didn't look at an of the girls on the street, so I had the usual frustration when I got home. Normally I would at that point look for some porn on my computer, but since the filter is now stronger than before that was not an option so I had no choice but to stay sober.

But today I noticed that I was looking around on the street and taking in what I saw. I didn't feel so lustful but it is an indication of where my head is.

One day at a time.

B"H I got a 24 hour coin and I find it a really useful physical reminder of what I need. I ordered an affirmation coin too, will probably come on Yom Tov.

Other than that not much to report.

Have a great Yom Tov my good friends.

Dr.Watson wrote:


Funny how it works, I often have the same experience, when I really feel the urge I'm able to make a total lock-down, but when that intense feeling stops I think that I can ease off, but what ends up happening is that I make up for the lock-down period.

One day, one look, one thought at a time......and I need a lot of acceptance to accept that that's all I can, need, and should do!!

Short version coming up:

B"H I was doing just fine. I had a daily routine that was keeping me sober for 25 days of good quality sobriety. But people kept telling me I need more meetings more meetings more meetings. So I thought maybe I should not do this program alone but listen to others, even if I don't think it's necessary.

So I went to the meeting early Sunday morning. Then fell.

What I think this teaches me is that just because I'm not always right, doesn't mean other people are either. Also if something isn't broken it doesn't need to be fixed.

I have become more aware of the fact that people are different and what works for one person might not work for another person. In fact it might harm them. Every person needs to know what they need to do to keep sober and then do it. It might need to be tweaked over time, but I don't think one can stay sober following someone else's program.

That's just my opinion today, not fact.

The last two relapses happened when I did not do my daily routine. Once through laziness, once through stupidity.

I'm really upset at having to start from day zero again.

how did the meeting make you fall
or at least contribute to the falling
was it because of the anxiety buildup which is something most of us have to work on and meetings definitely can help us work on that
whatever it was there is probably more that you can learn from the fall (once you get over the initial disappointment) than not to listen to everyone
if you don't appreciate this please ignore it, i know how it feels starting again, been there many times (now i am b''h just over 100 days with the help of meetings)
Hashem should help you get back up and KOT
and keep on being mischazek and being mechazek all of us

Thanks for the honesty Doc. coming right out and putting down what happened!!

I'm confused though, weren't you going to meetings anyway? or did you stop? do you still have a sponsor?

KIT!!! KOT!!!

I was going to one meeting each week. I also had (have) a daily routine that consists of reading a few pages of the white book every day, praying for sobriety before I leave my house, listening to Joe and Charlie on the way to work, calling someone during lunch (listening to Captain Steve as well sometimes), calling or listening to Duvid Chaim on the way back from work, looking at GYE each evening.

With this routine I was perfectly comfortable with my choice to attend just one meeting a week and do other things the other eveings (working and learning - not entirely unimportant). I think that what I was doing was good because it was a littel bit scattered throughout the day, even if it doesn't add up to as long as going to a meeting.

A lot of the guys I was speaking to do not think that is enough. They can't believe I'm taking this seriously, or that I could possibly stay sober without going to at least 5 meeting a week on top of my daily routine. Frankly, I believe it is possible to overdo the program, but no-one in my group agrees with that.

So I thought maybe I should listen to the people who were telling me that only meetings can keep me sober so I went to the meeting on Sunday. I didn't do my reading because the meeting is supposed to be better. I didn't make a call because I had shared at the meeting. I didn't listen to Joe and Charlie because I had been to the meeting.

Then I relapsed. So the next time someone tells me that my routine cannot keep me sober, only meetings can, I can think quite firmly in my mind "you sir, are demonstrably wrong." Harsh I know, but I'm in a bad mood.

Yes, I could have done my routine on top of the meeting, but I was told that meeting work better than my suggestions, so I didn't think it was necessary. There I was wrong. If they now tell me that what this proves is that I need a meeting every day and my daily routine I will get annoyed because I don't believe the purpose of the program is to be so focused on it all day, I believe the purpose of the program is to do as much as is needed to have positive sobriety, and have a normal life.

Some of my friends don't agree. They believe that it's not possible to over-work the program. I think that for me, it is possible. There comes a point at which I get sick of it. I shouldn't get to that point. I need a routine I'm comfortable doing every single day. At this point they'd probably say that I have a bad attitude and therefore I need even more meetings!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't like it when the only suggestion certain people have is go to even more meetings. If that's the only thing you know, maybe don't say anything.

The annoying thing is that seems to only be happening in my home group. When I call people from other groups (especially from America, where the program originated) I don't get anything like this. I get simple suggestions, patience and tolerance, delivered in a friendly, light-hearted way. I think I should restrict myself to calling people who make me feel better, not worse.

When all is said and done, I need SA. The program works if it's worked properly. I think that working it properly means different things for different people, and people should not force their program on someone else.

Sorry for the rant.

like we spoke, your routine to me seems to be fine....keep at it and keep the others at bay. you were doin' swell beforehand.

b'hatzlachah

Dr.Watson wrote:


Thanks for clarifying.

Still think there is probably what to shteig from the whole experience of getting upset about this besides learning not to listen to people, but i definitely identify with the feeling of resenting being pushed into spending more time on this, (I am quite sick of going to 2 meetings a week but I would be sicker w/o them so b''h for that) although I am being pushed from a different direction (the oilam at the meeting in this country or maybe befrat at this meeting that I am zoche to be in aren't too pushy about anything and maybe that is not so good, from one side i think she pushes too much on the other i think they don't push enough, if only everyone else would do their jobs right then I would be fine)

Dr. Watson,

I heartily agree with you. I have one friend who has been pushing me to go to in person meetings. Right now I don't think that is right for me. I can't say that I have as solid of a program as you seem to have but it is working for me at my speed. I feel that the program is really about living and spending too much time or emotional resources on it is possibly counter-productive. The harder he pushes the less I call him, which while it isn't his problem (this will always be my problem to work on) it does reduce his ability to help me which he clearly wants to do.

Hatzlacha in doing what works for you if you work it,
NeedToQuit

I was listening to an SA speaker yesterday. He's a neurologist and was asked to talk about some of the science behind addiction. He said that when they scan brain activity in response to potential triggers, the activity in certain areas of an addicts brain is much more pronounced than in a non-addict's. The really interesting part was what came next. The same scans show that prayer has a positive effect on those same areas, essentially having a healing effect. In other words, connecting with Hashem can actually heal those parts of my brain that I have damaged. Amazing!

So I tried it. I decided to try and daven shacharis with more kavono and say atzer yotzar bekavono. I feel better already, it's amazing.

The only thing that bothers me is that it takes a neurologist to get me to daven.

But I do like the idea that I'm not just davening for my neshomo and only feel the effects after 120, but that it actually has a physical positive effect on me now. Eilu devorim shodom ochel peiroseihem bo'olom hazeh v'hakeren kayemes lo l'olom haboh....v'iyun tefilloh.



How I feel after a fall (if I'm honest enough to admit it):


How I would like to feel now (so why not):

You have to read movie reviews very carefully. Anything that is PG-13 or above can or should be viewed as a potential trigger because what the ratings board considers as "almost certainly no nudity" may not in any way correspond to an assurance to you that no such nudity or sexual content is in the film.

I think that you have it much harder than others and therefore HKBH will have more mercy and patience for you, don't give up, you will get there and when you do, Hashem will be proud of you