I used to have sign on my wall: "I will change." It was a reminder and an encouragement to me to keep applying effort to grow gradually each day and keep striving to improve myself. A noble pursuit.
But a lie. I’ve realised that now. I won't change. I will never change. The fact that I haven't changed my bad habits after years of sporadic trying is not because I haven't tried hard enough, or because of my environment. It's because I can't. I never will. There's nothing I can do, or anyone else can do, to change my intrinsic nature.
I am a chronic procrastinator. I have wasted hours, days,days in a row doing everything but what's asked and expected of me. I have put in the bare minimum required to avoid losing my job or failing my courses or getting asked to leave, and sometimes slipped over that line because I minimised as much effort as possible. I hate that about me. I despise it. And it will never go away.
I forget every lesson about kedushah, holiness and the pinnacle of the universe that is a Jew's covenant and spend hours, energy, risk embarrassment and shame by seconds to indulge and fan the flames of base lust. I have only recently learned to ignore the disgust for myself after acting like a dog. I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I acted like that. I hate it. And I will never stop. I will never be able to stop.
This is my step one. I will never change. Trying to change is wasted effort. I will never be cured, fixed, normal. I will always be like this.
Even the twelve steps, which are my last and best chance to escape where I stand, will not change me. I will always be an addict. I will always have a blind, animal desire to spoil myself. I accept that. It’s out of my hands. Completely.

Dear friend,

The fact that you took your stand to write here and explain your inner feelings shows that you want to change!.

and listen to me:

If you're still alive stats that you could change! It doesn't take too much for hashem to check you out of this world... that means that he the one who keeps you alive belives that you could change!

that what you stat that you tried soo much and you weren't successful?

Welcome aboard! the other guys with more experience then me will jump up soon... stay toned!!!


Love
Navy Seal

There are two types of I can't change realizations.  One is that it's in Hashem's hands, and that I'll try but I know it's all Him.  The other is that I'm always going to do avairos b/c I can't change.  Which are you saying?

Thanks Navy Seal.

I'm just feeling a bit down right now, but I'm also trying to drum into myself the idea that I will never be cured. I keep looking for the answer that will sort everything out and I'll be just like normal people... and that's not coming. I've been looking for that all my life. It's not out there.

The only one who help me is Hashem Himself, but I need to give up control over my life. This is a hard thing to take seriously, so I am trying to remind myself that there is no other option.

Thanks for taking time to offer comfort to a stranger. You've put a little piece of love into my embrace. 

Black BigDay, I want to give over my will to Him, but it's so hard to give up on all my ambitions for my life (even if they're not working out). I need to internalise that there is no alternative. I'm done.

Maybe you will say that "yeah, I could have tried harder" - but that'd be a lie. You, as do we all, tried as hard as you could based on your motivation, based on the way you saw things.

OK. So if this life you have right now is the best you could conjure up - if your best efforts got you right here, then it is obviously time to let someone else run your life for you.

This may seem nebulous to you, but alcoholics, gamblers, perverts, and drug abusers are doing exactly that all over the world and it is working for them. They are getting a new life one day at a time, from their G-d. You have a G-d - though you are confused about whether orgasm is part of him, or breasts, or whatever. You are worshipping schmutz, fantasy, whatever, and chasing it like a dog.

So? So are other people. And they get clean and stay clean when they use G-d the right way. You have been using Him the wrong way, and have crazy definitions of G-d in your own head. G-d (as the halocha tells us) is the source of all power and good that there ever was and ever will be. But you are chasing naked people. Where is G-d? He's not good enough all of a sudden? Is He only in Shul and the pages of gemorrah?

OK, so do I, in addiction. That's how come I know about it. I am a recovering pervert.

This that I am saying here is part of step 2 of the 12 steps.

Giving up because you screwed up yourself enough already, is part of step 1 and three of the 12 steps.

How to actually do that - to give your life to Hashem - that is what the rest of the 12 steps are all about.

Funny thing, but interesting and telling: you wrote the post above in order to express your frustration about your chronic use of fantasy and masturbation, right? But you started right off with a tirade about procrastination!

Wow. What is the segue there?

The pshat to me is that you recognize in your heart that your problem is not your penis, but your brain and way of living life. You are irresponsible, procrastinator, so life is a mess. A mess is dealt with (by you) by using your sex more, instead of by facing real life.
This is the sickness. Your sexuality and tayvoh are not the real problem, at all. Your real problem is that life as you live it - for a number of reasons, probably - is unbearable.

The 12 steps is anout one thing, and it is certainly not lust/not lusting, nor is it about drinking alcohol/not drinking. It is about getting sanity by finally, finally having a real spiritual connection and a real healthy dependence on your G-d, for once. Our inability to live Life on Life's terms, is the problem - not the addiction. The addiction is a symptom, not the disease itself.

That's whay the steps talk nothing of controlling (nor of getting free of) drinking/lusting.

If you are broken, then maybe, just maybe, you are ready to start the steps.

If you are like me, then giving up on fixing yourself is a great thing to do. Giving up on yourself, is not. The shayloh on you now, is if you are willing not to give up on yourself.

Bless you. I am close to crying. I really needed your perspective. Thank you.

Emes wrote:
Hi my honest friend
How is your perspective nowadays

Thanks for asking, markz. In a much better space these days. Just gotta KOT... :-)