You think you failed? You really got a 100!
One of the great warriors on our forum had a very difficult week where he was taken on vacation by his family to places he would never think of going himself. In spite of putting up a valiant struggle, he had some slips and falls and became burnt out, disillusioned and apathetic. He seemed almost angry at Hashem, Kaviyachol, for not helping him more, and he wanted to leave the forum and take a break. However in the end, due to everyone's love and support, he made a complete reversal and is now optimistic about continuing his journey and inspiring others along with him!
He posted on the forum:
To avoid possible misunderstandings: I'm not angry at anyone here. No-one wronged me. GYE is only good - and probably the most positive thing in my life right now. I'm very appreciative to GYE and all of its members for all their words of encouragement that they have volunteered, and I am indebted to you all. Knowing that I'm not alone in this battle, but that I'm fighting alongside others - tzadilkim - is very meaningful and supporting. My comment about leaving GYE was not said in regard to anyone not meeting my expectations (in any way).
In an email to R' Guard, I presented where my feelings stemmed from:
"In test taking, I'd rather hand the test back in blank and get a "zero" than work hard, prepare, study, and get hyped up, only to have gotten a 55%. What does that say? I've tried hard and still didn't pass! I fought hard and long and relied on Hashem to help pull me through. Still, I failed. If I fail, I prefer to know that it's because I didn't try. Trying, trying, trying, but still failing, can break a persons spirit."
R' Guard's response to me on that point (aside from providing select segments from the Attitude Handbook for me to look at; principles 23-25, etc.):
"The question you pose here, about getting a zero on the test rather than a 55%, touch on the most important Yesodos in this struggle. You see, in spiritual matters, it is completely different than in physical. On this world, getting a zero without trying is indeed a lot better than a 55% with trying. But in spiritual matters, the trying itself is the 100% my friend!! Even if it "looks" like you came out with a 55%, Hashem sees the heart, he sees your effort. If you tried and cried (and I know you did), you are at 100%!!
That's the beauty of this struggle... "
Due to certain events (which I shared with R' Guard in my email) things were extraordinarily tough for me the past few days, and boruch Hashem, the many people who have been in contact with me most recently have helped me get back up on my feet. With the help of Hashem, I now stand at 3.5 days - and it's only forward from here!