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There's No Magic Pill

GYE Corp. Saturday, 24 December 2011

"Desperate" wrote:

Sometimes, if I really want to act out, I'll text somebody for help, but I know that this is my excuse. I'll tell myself that I 'acted out' cuz I reached out and it 'didn't help', so I don't feel so bad about acting out.

It's all about ATTITUDE. I got to change my attitude.

"Rage" responds:

Wow, that really hit home... I think I did a lot of things that I considered "steps" towards my "recovery" simply to act out more. Like I did things in order to rationalize to myself that I tried, I failed, so I can go ahead and do what I want now... It's messed up - I know, but there it is... I've done that with "reaching out" too... Like I'd talk to someone in SA and "reach out" and then go and act out thinking, "oh my dear lord, you see, I did what I was supposed to"... and my sick twisted mind had planned the whole thing that way from the beginning (in my subconscious). And I've also fallen minutes after "davening" with all my kavana, "please, please don't let me fall"...

I think that as long as we think that there is a "magic" trick we can do to save ourselves, like "reach out" or "surrender" or "daven to Hashem" then we are destined to fail because there is no magic pill, magic prayer, magic surrender, or any single act that will save us from acting out... I think the only way to do it is to die a little bit... the only way to 'do it' is to do it... It hurts, but the pain of falling eventually becomes so much greater than any pain we feel letting go of our "safety"...

It's like you say, it's about attitude... If our attitude is that "I cannot afford to lust anymore because it's too dangerous for me" then we can use little tools like "reaching out" and praying and surrendering to help us remind ourselves of our recovery, but if we're not in the right frame of mind, all this stuff is just vapor...