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Crying from Happiness

the.guard Monday, 30 March 2020
Crying from Happiness

I struggle with lust as far back as I can remember. I’m married now and I have a loving wife with beautiful children b”h. My wife knows about my struggles, but not the extent.

I just started my journey on GYE and I’m a few days clean. However it was still a struggle for me in the sense of “What’s the point? Hashem knows what I’ve done and I'm going straight to hell”. I’ve had this prenotion all my whole life.

Every Yom Kippur I would do teshuvah, only to fall 2 days later, and those highs and lows used to kill me. I’ve been chatting with one of the GYE moderators lately and I told him how I felt. Right away he asked me, “What do you think, Hashem put us here to roast?”. He directed me to Rav Shafiers shiurim on “The Fight” (click here). In those shiurim, Rabbi Shafier explains that Hashem put us on this world and gives us the circumstances we’re in, but those circumstances are not your fault and now He just wants us to fight.

For the first time ever, I realized I may get olam habbo and I can’t stop crying.

Every morning when I wake up, I struggle with the question of praying like a mentch or just praying a two minute shema and shmona esrei and quickly going online... This morning, I decided to pray like a mentch. From the time I opened the siddur, I couldn't stop crying knowing that Hashem loves me.

And I usually skip over quickly the words “shomer Hashem et kol ohavav vet kol hareshaim yashmid” (Hashem guards all those who love Him and destroys all the evil ones) because I always believed I was praying for my own destruction. But today my face turned beet red and couldn't stop the torrent of tears knowing that I too, am beloved in His eyes.

I hope everyone realizes this important truth, that all of us have a chelek in olam habbo. Hashem just wants us to try a bit more.