Thursday, 12 January 2012

Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse

by Dov (See all authors)

I pity the person who starts off his recovery by focusing on fixing the human wreckage his behavior caused. In my case that'd truly be putting the cart before the horse, and in the worst way. It would retard my entire - and I mean entire - recovery and leave me:

1- still running the show, instead of following directions (and judging by how well I did till now, that's not a good idea!);

2- prone to "forgiving" myself as soon as I feel all better because they forgave me! Who really needs to get any better once they can convince everyone they hurt that they are now a reformed ba'al teshuvah humbly begging for their mercy? Eventually, I'd get 'forgiven' by them and by Hashem - and certainly remain the same exact pervert forever...

and 3- it'd leave me at the center of my universe, which is exactly how I got so messed up in the first place. It'd still be all about MY t'shuva, MY dveikus, MY tikkun, ME, ME, and more endless, bottomless ME. (This is apparently a subtle point to many people, for some reason...but it seems to be everything, from where I am standing.)