Letting the Familiar Curiosity Go
People in recovery often emphasize "living in the solution, not in the problem". It's hard to understand, at first. "whadaya mean, I'm living in the problem?" When we delve and delve and delve... it wraps us up in the problem and soon we will act out. Cuz we are sick and cannot stay sane very long while staring squarely at unhealthy living; even if it is for the sake of 'getting better'.
(Even the 1st and 4th step inventories are not safe places to loiter. We cannot live without them so we do them with a sponsor and then he helps us move on and use what we have learned rather than wallow in it.)
- "Been clean four months. I can't believe it. But am I really a better person? What if I am tested a bit?";
- "I've been clean for fifteen months now. Gevalt! I wonder if my anatomy still works!";
- "Well, is that little video store still in business, or did Hashem finally strike it with that lightning I wished for?"; and like,
- "What was/is it that I liked so much about lust and porn after all? Why was I so caught up in it? I need to know!".
I might think those thoughts every now and then, and that's fine. Thinking them is not my fault - but holding onto them and acting on them is. I believe b'emunah sheleimah that I need to let them go. Others may have the luxury of thinking it over, conducting further 'research', and figuring it all out, and G-d bless them. I do not. And figuring out why they can and I can't is veiter none of my concern.