Dear friend,
Do you think you are an addict? In other words, are you beaten? I am. I'm an addict who is sober today for a bunch of years and there are many others like me (even many frum ones) who will gladly meet with you on the phone, or preferably in person, to freely and openly share their recovery with you. It all depends on what you are willing to do for your recovery - and if you really feel you 'have had enough' already. I have had enough, b"H, and it sounds like you may have, too. All my love for my wife and innocent children will not stop me from horrifically screwing my life up. You seem to see the same thing, and are shocked. I'm not. I am an addict.
Only I can give up the useless breath-holding-in-the-face-of-temptation and finally reach for the company of other addicts so that I can get the help I need from Hashem.
Nu. It's very, very hard. It's actually impossible. If you see it that way, then I say there is - possibly for the very first time - hope that you might finally start to get better, by Hashem's Chessed, as many others have, and are, today. Who really needs G-d at all, if they have power?
Give up on the breath-holding struggle, but not on yourself! You have a life; your wife has a husband; and your children have a father. There is help for you to still save those things.