Day 20.

Strong urges these days... trying to distract myself. Will be ok iyH. Been enjoying my learning recently, especially daf hayomi, so will try get todays (very hard) daf clear and hopefully my urges will fade... If that doesn't work, then I'll continue reading some books that I'm in the middle of...   אין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב הפנוי מן החכמה

Been slipping closer to the place that brought me here in the first place. Recreational online usage is gradually increasing, and i don’t like what it’s doing to me. I haven’t typed or searched for something that’s inappropriate.....yet. But when it pops up on the side, I need to contend with urges of temptation that well up inside of me. I’m posturing way too much on so called “parve” sites that just bring lust in to my system. I hate that when I’m in recreation mode, I feel that there’s something that’s stronger then me at play that I let inside of me. Do I have excuses? Probably, but great players make great plays, not great excuses. The curiosity that comes from browsing is something that I’m inviting in to my system. It doesn’t have to be this way. So together with 3 friends that pledged to do this with me, as a preparation for קבלת התורה, I’m committing to absolutely no recreational usage whatsoever until after YomTov! Anyone that wants to take part of this, please PM or call me.

Interestingly enough, my slipping is mainly limited to online usage. On the streets, we’re doing ok. Had a victory that I’m grateful for the other day. I was on line (a real one) at the bank, when I noticed that one of the tellers was quite attractive. My Mazel had it, I ended up getting her as my teller. I made up my mind not to look at her at all, not even to take a first glance from up close to find out if she’s really pretty. I left the bank on a high. If my online usage can match my on line behavior, I’ll be in a pretty good place. One day.

Sytv2002 I like the way you write your messages. It’s great . YOU are welcome. I am here for chizzuk. I have very little happiness to begin with . I thank God for the happiness until now. And hope that we can all get more happiness little by little. A tzaddik gets back up after he falls even 7 times - Shlomo hamelech. I see you get back up. Even if you fall, you are called righteous. It’s great to hear ya Syvt2002 .

Bright, 
Wow, thank you for this incredibly important post. 
It takes courage to put your deepest feelings out there, (regardless of the fact that you’re posting anonymously), and I can’t imagine how it much it took out of you to write.
You’re incredibly Gebentched that you have found a path forward, and answers, and a relationship with The RBSHO.  

This can give hope to people who are suffering, I pray. 

I realize that there are two distinct parts of your post. 
There’s your personal story, and the journey that you have taken, the way your understanding of Yiddishkeit has become transformed as part of your healing - this perspective is deeply moving, intense, and so, so valuable.

But the beginning and end of your article focus on a truth that is more encompassing than your personal story- the gap between Rabbanim and therapists and why there is terrible pain that can so often live and breed in that gap. 

This is a problem I have encountered, too. Even a Frum, ehrliche therapist is focusing on the work of therapy in his work, as he should. The thoughts, feelings, and conflict that a feeling Jew experiences often relate to his or her Yiddishkeit. And even though a Frum therapist can relate to and understand and thereby help his client in a way that a non-Jew often can’t, nevertheless, the focus is on the therapy.

However, so many times, the pain, though related, is born of questions and conflict that are rooted in and is a conflict with his religion itself. Questions such as: How do I deal with fear of punishment, of spiritual destruction and loss of She’ifos, goals, satisfaction. How a person relates to the Rebono Shel Olam, in Tefilla and so many other areas.. The therapist often avoids dealing with these issues directly, not wanting to opine on or work on subjects and issues out of his or her wheelhouse. And even when the therapist does try- often the client doesn’t take what the therapist says seriously, because he’s not an authority on these topics… so the pain continues, and the healing often is incomplete..

Also, therapy is a secular science. There is more to the Nefesh and Neshoma than is to be found in the universe of Freud, Jung, Bowlby, Ainsworth and Burns. Sometimes that “more” is needed to heal the Nefesh and Ruach that’s been hurt. That’s why speaking to a special Yid who is an understanding Baal Eitza and Baal Nefesh can often help in ways that the therapy can’t. We often need the combination. 

 I don’t have solutions either. But I agree that awareness is a huge first step. 

So thank you!! 

With admiration and incredible good wishes and bracha, 
Chaimoigen

Day 65 posting… day 3 clean bh…

The past week I was traveling in the west coast. Flew in and out of Las Vegas (גֵיא צַלְמָוֶת וּמָקוֹם מְסוּכָּן). Spent much of the time in crowded places and summer weather. Huge shoutout to my accountability partner who kept me focused, especially after one wavering morning. 

Turns out practically all the billboards from the airport to leaving the city are for injury lawyers - so that was an unexpected gift from above. The main challenge was the people, and I don't think it was specifically much worse than other busy places (I didn't go near specific parts of the city where that might be different).

The plane ride there I was able to read some of Rabbi Twerski's book Addictive Thinking and reviewed a few blat Gemara. The flight back I didn't do so good, basically watching the two screens I could see from my seat. BH noting inappropriate, but I don't watch movies anymore, so it wasn't ideal. Didn't motivate myself to pull away after a tiring week and I let myself utilize that slack to pass the time like a vegetable. It would have been nice to return home on that high note, but I'm not letting it spoil what was otherwise a solid effort and successes that I should be and am proud of. 

A few times my wife caught me acting strangely and realized I was trying to avoid seeing some people - and I think she was amused. She did once tell me not to turn around.In a way, it might be nice for her to understand the struggle with shemiras einayim, but in another way, I kind of feel like I now have to try and live up to her expectations of "why would my husband look at other women?". Even if she doesn't know the challenge, she's right, and I can strive to be that husband for her. Even if she never knows, I'll know.

Kol Tov Brothers

captain wrote on 29 May 2025 13:36:

Control Tower
Jim: Captain is calling for lift off.
FAA: Shut down all flights, he gets priority 

Good morning, all.

I had an 'M' fall last night. Meh.

No despair allowed and bl"n I will keep reaching out to my accountability chaverim and posting here to keep accountability.

Day Count: 1 Day
No 'P' Count: 2 Days
Cumulative Count: 1652 Days

I am Bezras Hashem, and with the help of so many dear dear friends holding at 5 months clean. 

There's two points that I fell are an Ikar for getting of the hell I was living in.

1. Reach out to the Chevra!!!!!!! I know its written hundreds of times, but there's a good reason for that. It works. Plain and simple.

2. Have patience. Right when I started I wanted every issue to go away immediately. Some things take time, just keep doing the best you can and you'll see how your life will change Bezras Hashem.

Have a great and fulfilling Yom Tov!

Usually on a long post i Skim through, not today. I read every word and then reread it.

Amazing and so so beautiful, a Yid finding his Father, embracing him and truly loving him.

Thank you for this post. 
Kol tuv.
Gut Yom Tov 

repost.  Today is yom hameyuchas… Yom HaMeyuchas I don’t remember hearing that term before.  Over the years it is likely that I did hear that the 2nd day of sivan is called yom hameyuchas but it just didn’t mean anything to me. So I don’t remember. Today, I received a few messages referencing yom hameyuchas and I did not know what it was about.  Then, during lunch, I came across a post that explains – today is the day that Moshe Rabeinu relayed the message to klal Yisroel from hashem. וִֽהְיִ֨יתֶם לִ֤י סְגֻלָּה֙ מִכָּל־הָ֣עַמִּ֔ים כִּי־לִ֖י כָּל־הָאָֽרֶץ ... ואַתֶּ֧ם תִּֽהְיוּ־לִ֛י מַמְלֶ֥כֶת כֹּֽהֲנִ֖ים וְג֣וֹי קָד֑וֹשׁ My heart filled with emotions of gratitude and joy that I am able to finally feel that I too am a part of this גוֹי קָדוֹש  To feel that hashem is lifting me up. That is taking me out of my personal mitzrayim… To feel that ahava that he has for us, his chosen nation… to be part of a group of mevakshim that will keep getting up no matter what and no matter how many times we fall!  A group that is anonymous but is comprised of Chassidim & Ex Hasidim, Litvaks, Sefardim, Ashkenazim, BTs, FFB, young bochurim and seasoned adults…. All working K’ish echad b’lev echad to better ourselves and each other in Kedusha.  And I say ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu…. We are truly hashem’s treasure. When I said birchas hamazon after lunch, I noticed the third HaRachaman – and this is my bracha to all of us, that hashem should always be glorified and honored through us - הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁתַּבַּח לְדוֹר דּוֹרִים, וְיִתְפָּאַר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְנֵצַח נְצָחִים, וְיִתְהַדַּר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְעוֹלְמֵי עוֹלָמִים.

Wow! Please make sure to help others, because there aren't that many people who can give this help. I went through something similar, maybe one day i'll share more (though probably not lol). That feeling of helplessness that no one could help (especially no therapist) that we are doomed because we will do something wrong by accident and then go to hell forever (with moshe rabbeinu, except maybe he just got out last week) (though unlike you, in my case besides for my own issues, some of themes you described were actually preached by others). I remember being so hopeless for years, and davening to die rather than go off. In the end I just had to find the answers all on my own while thinking they probably don't exist. (Now you understand why I am quick to correct the many negative mis-applications of chazal that come up here and there.)

Mazel Tov - ImyH by 5000!

I second alex's thoughts, that is really a beautiful way to express what many of us strive for. Should be an inspirational bumper-sticker, or mabey something a little more choshuv..

proudyungerman wrote on 29 May 2025 04:56:

That's a powerful way to look at it.

Mazal tov!