I meant to write this a while ago, but I have not been able to sign into GYE for a while (I kept getting 504 errors, which usually happens when servers are overloaded. If anyone from the tech side of GYE sees this, I do not think this is a problem on my end, and it may be worth investigating.) In any case, I have something very sad to report. On Thursday the 4th, after 66 days clean, the longest I had ever gone, I fell again. I just started a new job working at a secular special needs elementary school. On top of the job being extremely stressful, I delt with absurdly bad traffic that day, meaning that I woke up at 5:00, left home almost immediately, and did not get back until 7:00 that night. As it is a secular school, the women there are not dressed modestly, which was a major trigger for me. I say this to give context for my fall, but not to give the slightest excuse.

I fell again on the 6th, and again on the 8th. I felt terrible. I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I had tossed away everything away for nothing. I have had a lot of time to reflect. I am in a better headspace now, and I do not think I am going to fall again (at least in the near future). I have worked on ways to make sure that working with my colleagues will be less triggering for me. I need to stay focused and dedicated, but I think that I can do this. The job is very stressful, but I am getting used to it, and I have ways of dealing with stress.

I know this is very rambly; I have wanted to write this for a while, and this is the first time that I have been able to make it on. I am completely exhausted, but I am hopeful. For as much as I still struggle, I have gotten a lot better. This was a very painful setback, but I know that I can recover. I may write more latter, but for now, I just want to wish everyone a gut shabbos.

I called
They didn’t have any great ideas

Shkoyach!! This message is so inspiring!! Let's connect! Please message me? Good Shabbos!!!

3 cents. You seem to live in a binary world. If consciously deciding to waste time with an unproductive activity for 3 days straight saves you from porn isn't that better than forcing yourself to learn day 1 and porning the others?

No.
I'm really burnt out,and don't have the drive to push myself for any of this, or really anything in life that I don't have an interest in.
My life is a little messed up right now.

Ask TAG.
They're the most likely to know about it.

L'chaim ben!!! i am super super excited for you! love the depth of your post!, but perhaps more than anything i am inspired by you! keep it up as i am constantly looking up at you as i'm walking your well treadin path!

the @alteh

 and i think i know who's GoldenWings we will be traveling on!

A tale of three days off.

Following up on the optimistic post higher up on my thread, things didn't continue so well.
So it turned out I was mostly off for three days this week. The first day, I went to learn and did very well. The only flaw was spending an hour or so killing time online. The second day, I didn't make it out to learn and spent most of the morning killing time online that devolved to a bit of filter poking. Not great. The third day, I saw down to spend most of the day watching porn. Very bad.

Funny how the slide is so visible.

Feeling very tired of this. Tired of the struggle to use my time properly. Tired of the pull that shleps me from time wasting to porn. Tired of failing to control my eyes and having it pull me down into deeper lust. Tired of using everything I possibly can to distract myself from life. 

Hello, all.

I am grateful to Hashem for a week clean and free from masturbation and pornography.

I think this deserves more than a line or two in a post, but I was thinking yesterday that my P&M use is an unhealthy way of dealing with a deep sense of loneliness. Obviously, P&M doesn't cure loneliness and then the struggle associated with not being able to control those unwanted sexual behaviors is a lonely struggle, which only further compounds the effects. Accountability partners are helpful for a variety of reasons, but one of them is that they ensure that one doesn't go through the struggle alone.

Day Count: 20 Days
Cumulative Count: 1749 Days

I just was clean for 3 and a half months bh, 2 of the months I was dating. Then came the breakup that was hard, together with the adjustments of a new year job, it was a rough sad week, then at end up the week I gave into temptation, and now I’m 3 days straight giving into my urges. I honestly just need help feeling normal, I just carry so much shame when I fall. Also some help to get back up and control myself.

B"h today i mark 70 days of being clean.
never in a million years would i think that i could do this, it has been a little hard the last few days, but this 90 days chart keeps me going, it sounds childish a little but we would do anything we do to get the results we want .
thank you hasahm 
thank you friends 
thabk you gye

Check out episode: אור החיים הק' פרשת כי תבוא - חשיבות הזעקה להקב"ה להינצל מהיצר @@Havineini‏
http://lomdotchasidut.libsyn.com/2g60hqhawj9c

1000 is just a number.

Or is it?

999 has one less digit. 1001 is bigger, but less round. 2 years is 730 days and 3 years would be 1095. I could wait another 95 days that will be a special anniversary.

To tell you the truth, I should have celebrated last week at 993 days. Also each and every day before and after. But I don’t. For several reasons I don’t. One good reason is that the celebration is more special when it’s, well, more special. Eating steak every day loses the geshmak of getting exited for a delicious treat. But the steak doesn’t change – I do, or rather my attitude towards it does.

Should it though?

I think yes and no. We need special days, whether designated or deliberately or even arbitrarily chosen. Someone that truly appreciates everything that they have will not take things for granted, no matter how long or often they have them. Modeh Ani is every day, and really every moment. If not for this daily prayer, would I remember that life isn’t guaranteed?

If not for counting the days, would I remember that each day counts?

How often though do I internalize the magnificent gift of life when I wake up? Do I say Modeh Ani, like clicking the clean day counter? As I put a check in that box, am I also checking in with myself? The celebration of a milestone is a compilation of all the days that lead up to it. A birthday is one day that celebrates an entire year of days. Modeh Ani for returning to me my Neshama – the one I had yesterday on day 999, and the day before on 998, all the way back to day 0. Hashem gifts me life every day, but I get used to it, like always eating steak. I don’t appreciate it as much without some occasions to stop and think about what I have. Every week needs a Shabbos. Every month needs a Rosh Chodesh. Every year needs its Yomim Tovim. Celebrate 1 week, one month, 90 days, 1 year, and any time is a good time to take stock of where you are holding. Day 1000 is another good steak, but it stands out, which makes it worth chapping arein the opportunity to appreciate everything. Every day mattered. Every day I made and followed deliberate life choices that, with Siyata DiShmaya, have brought me to where I am in this present moment.

                 It's not an easy thing, though it has gotten easier. It’s not something I take for granted, though it has been granted to me. It’s not something I have completed, though I am more complete. I am finished with it, though I am never finished with it. I am building the model airplane, and I am the model airplane. My soul is repairing my body, one piece at a time. Pulling out of the nose-dive. Deploying the parachute. Recalibrating the controls. Getting aligned on the runway. Revving up the engines. Taking off. Learning how to stay balanced and ride through the turbulence. Flying in the skies.

                It’s a lifetime of skill-building. Refueling, modification, upgrades, maintenance, refinement, and adjusting to new environments. Higher and higher we can ascend – there is no limit. It becomes more natural, and sometimes we can even activate the autopilot, but some clouds hide mountain peaks, so the radar should always be running in the background. Pay attention if alarms are sounding off, and get your hands back on the yoke.

                When my tank felt low, I’d guzzle the cheap and dirty fuel, though it was choking me. Gunk and sediment clogged up my systems, and inhibited my ability to function well. The wear and tear would take its toll and sometimes things would seize completely. The parts of my life needed to be disassembled, thoroughly cleaned, and put back together. Filtering is hard, but clean fuel is worth every effort and expense.

              

                 The same winds that used to toss me about are now the thrust beneath my wings. When you angle yourself right, they propel you upward. That doesn’t mean you should fly into a tornado. Storms should be avoided. But sometimes you can’t evade them, at least not completely, and that’s when you need ground support, every tool in your arsenal, and a helping hand from above. His goal isn’t to down your plane. He’s trying to test your skills and push you to grow by forcing you to the very edge of your abilities. That’s how you will shatter your limits and achieve greater heights.

The view from 1000 days is both awesome and humbling. I have learned so much and gained access to elevation I never thought I’d see.

Today I look back on all that transpired to get me here.

Today I look forward towards the places I might be headed.

Today I look inward to appreciate the person that I was capable of becoming.

Kol Tov to all my Brothers

Saved in the Middle of the Night

I’m one week clean right now.

Today the Yetzer Hara came at me with a nisayon I’ve faced before — one I’ve already failed at three times. It’s one of those struggles that has haunted me ever since I discovered it. To be honest, I thought I had left it behind. But out of nowhere, it came back hard. I went somewhere I should never have gone… yet Hashem, in His endless mercy, pulled me out unscathed.

A while back, I whispered a tefillah straight from the heart:
“Ribono Shel Olam, if I ever slip, if I ever find myself wandering back into old paths, don’t let me stay there. Pull every trick in the book to drag me out — I don’t care how. Embarrass me, stop me, block me… just don’t let me sink.”

And today — He answered that tefillah. There’s no other way to explain it.

My second big challenge of the day came later that night (like just a few minutes ago), sitting in my room with my laptop. (Unfiltered — and if you’ve read my thread, you know why. Technically it has filters, but I know how to disarm them unfortunately…) I started poking around — baruch Hashem not porn, but honestly, just as destructive — and then something happened that I still can’t wrap my head around.

It was like Hashem Himself grabbed my fingers. One second, I was on the brink — THE BRINK, mamash seconds away from crashing — and the next, the tab was gone. Closed. Slammed shut in my face. It felt like Hashem reached into my laptop and whispered: “No. Not tonight.”

Shaken, I noticed something: my regular tab — the one not in incognito — was open to GYE. So I thought, let me grab some chizuk from my forum. As I was heading there, my eyes caught something I hadn’t really noticed before: a forum called “Bachurim Only.” It drew me in — I’m a bachur, and deep down this was something I’d always wanted — so I clicked.

One of the first posts I read was from a user named HolyAri. It wasn’t even written to me, but it felt like it was. His words pierced me, cut through the fog, and instantly silenced every urge:

“Newsflash: the Yetzer doesn’t care if HolyAri is married, single, or living on Mars. He only cares if YOU fold. And right now, you’re giving him a front-row comedy show. So quit the pity party. You’re not the only one, you’re not special, and you don’t need a babysitter to prove it’s possible.”

Those words — those exact words — saved me tonight. For that, I am beyond filled with gratitude to Hashem and to HolyAri!

And looking back now, I realized something else: the whole time I had been poking around online, a song was playing in my head, looping without end — Gabe Bauman’s Pintele Yid. It felt like Hashem was singing it to me Himself:

Cuz a pintele Yid is what you are.
And a pintele Yid is never far.
From Hashem ahavas oilam.
Forever and always yeah you’ll have His love.
Cuz Pintele pintele yidden.
Are holy and heilige children.
You need to know how truly great you are.
You’re a pintele Yid who is never far.

Even as I stood on the edge, Hashem was already there, wrapping me in those words:
“I’m here. You can get through this.”

Regardless of the late hour, I had to write a post to thank Hashem for saving me. I really hope that when I wake up tomorrow, this urge will be gone.

One last thing came to me just before I hit “post.” I said I’m a week clean — but really, it’s more than that. Last Thursday I had one of the roughest days, and the whole drive home I was arguing with myself, telling myself I’d go straight to porn as soon as I walked in the door, just to numb everything. But right before I stepped inside, Hashem planted a thought in my head — and the strength to act on it. I messaged a few GYE chaveirim, told them honestly where I was holding, and through their help I got through that night. And in doing so, I proved to myself, to my body, to my faulty wiring, and to the Yetzer Hara that I don’t need porn to get through hard times. Since then, baruch Hashem, I’ve been clean — not only from the act, but I haven’t even had the urge for porn.

Hashem, tonight You showed me You’re here. Please let me build on this, day after day, until I can look back and see a life rebuilt in Your light — the life of a true pintele Yid, never far from You.