Hi everyone!

I was born into a very choshuve family in my community [known in other communities as well].
All my siblings are prominent people, and it was said about me that I'm the smartest, and the most talented. (it must be true, because I use arround 10 percent of my brain as I will explain)
At a very young age (12-13) I had the issue that many other gifted people have, my brain was never nearly enough stimulated, so my young stupid brain started searching, first understanding what bachurim aren't allowed to know, with the help of other boys, than masturbating on a regular basis, from there it went on to getting acces to internet and finding the "right" magazine stands etc. etc. 
Throughout all mt years as a bachur I suffered and struggled in between two worlds, frying my brain day in day out, I myself don't know how I managed to stay afloat.

[btw I think it's important to tell bachurim the difference between wet dreams and m., many times I was on the verge of stopping, then I had a wet dream and I felt like I completely blew it and it was over]

Than I got engaged and married to what is considered the nicest shidduch in the family, indeed I have the best, supporting wife (she doesn't know anything about these struggles)

I managed to stay clean for a short while after my chasunah than the waves came crashing down with their full vigor .

I had 2 kids  while struglling with this trash.

Then came the change I went to europe to kivrei tzadikim {btw I did NOT go because of this struggle, many times before I had been to the kosel and many other mekomos hakdoshim, to no avail, the reason I think this trip did work is BECAUSE I did not go to quick fix my problem, or for the problem al all} I came to the kever of the tzaddik (that his yurtzeit was the reason of the trip) and I just cried like never before (I barely cry because I numbed my emotions with p&m) I was just fed up, right afterward hashem answered and I started gye. 

I was treading water untill I promised that if I fall 1 more time I'll get a partner [till then I didn't have the courage], so the next time I got the best partner and I was clean for 90 days, on day 92 I fell and crashed, since then I'm back to square one, falling then saying clean for a few days and falling again, my latest fall was yesterday.

This is the short version of my [sofar] sad story.

Hi everyone,

I’m new to posting here, though I’ve had a GuardYourEyes account for a while. For a long time, I just didn’t take any real steps toward change. I guess I wasn’t ready to face this fully—or I just kept hoping it would go away on its own. But it hasn’t. And now I’m here because I know I can’t do this alone.

I’m not sober yet. I’m married, with beautiful kids, a good job, a home—on the outside, it might look like everything’s fine. But inside, I know I’m not where I want to be, not where I need to be.

Back in 2022, I gave recovery a serious try. I joined SA, worked the 12 steps, and for six months, I really tasted what freedom could look like. I felt connected to Hashem, to myself, and to the values I truly care about. Life had meaning, and I felt alive again.

But slowly, stress crept back in. Life got hectic. Work pressures, family responsibilities, emotional ups and downs—it all added up. And I started to feel the pull of the old escape. The yetzer hara whispered, “Remember how easy it was to disconnect? How good it felt, just for a moment?”

And I gave in.

It happened while traveling for work. I was away from home, away from structure, away from accountability. And in that moment, I fell—hard. And once I was in that hole again, I stayed there.

But even in the fall, I never lost the yearning to come back. I miss that feeling of kedusha, of being clean, of being real. I know the yetzer hara is strong—but I know I’m stronger with help. And that’s why I’m here.

I’m asking for support. For guidance. For chizuk. I want to return. I want to rebuild. I want to be a true eved Hashem, to live with integrity, to be the husband and father my family deserves.

Please keep me in mind. I’m ready to take the next steps—I just can’t do it alone.

Thank you for reading. Just writing this was hard, but I know it’s a step in the right direction.

Ouch, I can relate to much to the frustration get back up, sweet days are about to come 

All needs are valid.
There is no subjective reality as you taught us

No need to apologize 

wannachange wrote on 08 Jun 2025 22:51:

Slight edit. HUGE difference. You got this!!!

Just to be clear the above article is to be read with an eicha nigun….

SisonYishecha wrote on 09 Jun 2025 03:26:

What? You mean you can get a job and be a tzaddik?!? Phooey, you think moshe Rabbeinu and reb Chaim Katie sky would hold of such a person? Every second of toira is precious, he’s wasting his life! Ay ay yay yuy. Talking to the ribbona shel Olam you think you are on aza madreige? We would be lucky if we just feared the eternal fire of gehinom! Having a Kesher with the ribono shel olam is for bts and hippies. It’s fluff! Oh gevalt. Shoymu shomayim! I must petition from the gedolim to close this whole thread! Let’s see how many haskomos I can get to pasel them!

I had to get that out of my system sorry.

Just to be clear before I begin:

I’m not criticizing anyone personally, and certainly not the sincerity behind what was shared. I’m responding in general to the way certain ideas are often used in these conversations, sometimes with the best of intentions, but in ways that can unintentionally minimize pain. I’m sharing my own experience and reflections, not trying to argue.

I want to say something a little vulnerable. Honestly, I am very intellectually oriented, and my first instinct was always to give the “right” answer, the one that checks all the boxes. It’s taken me years, and I’m still learning, to understand that the deepest response to pain is not always explanation, but empathy. You’ll probably even see that matter of fact tone in some of my earlier posts.

Pain is real, and so is feeling for others. That, to me, is the depth of the Mishnah: “Al tenachem adam b’sha’ah shemeiso mutal lefanav.” There’s a time to listen, not explain.

Yes, and I understand that view. But sometimes, part of Hashem’s plan includes our outrage at injustice, and our compassion for those who were hurt. That is how His middos are expressed in this world.

Just to be clear, I’m not critiquing you personally or your belief, I’m responding more broadly to how these ideas are often used in ways that unintentionally silence pain. I really do appreciate that you’re engaging thoughtfully.

The Gemara tells us Hashem feels our pain with us. The Nefesh HaChaim adds: even more than we do. Hashem is the source of all reality. If he feels our pain it must be that pain, empathy and emotions are also emes. Objective reality is not the only thing that exists, subjective pain has its place on the landscape of truth.

We were put here to fix what’s broken, within ourselves and, when possible, in the world around us. That’s not a contradiction to bitachon, it’s part of our avodah.

It is not our job to sit silently on the sidelines while people are destroyed or hurt.

It is our privilege to bring clarity, truth, and light into the world, wherever and whenever we can.

I hear you. But to clarify, I wasn’t reacting from misunderstanding. Like R’ Yitzchok pointed out earlier, the message simply wasn’t relevant to my post. I wasn’t criticizing “the system,” I was pointing out when people misuse it.

If we refuse to acknowledge abuse or misuse and instead sugarcoat it under the banner of “the system,” then we unintentionally validate that behavior as part of Torah. And that’s dangerous.

There are many Torah concepts that people cling to in the form they first heard them, often as children, and never revisit. The Alter from Kelm, in his Piskei Baal HaBatim, already lamented this, people holding on to a cheder-level understanding of Ma’aseh Bereishis.

Sometimes what we heard wasn’t deep enough, or wasn’t even accurate. We repeat these phrases as if they’re sacred, but they’ve lost context and content.

True kavod haTorah means revisiting our ideas and letting them grow with us. That takes honesty. It takes asking:

    •    What does this actually mean to me?

    •    Where do I see it in my life?

    •    And, scariest of all, is there a part of me that struggles with it? And why?

That’s not weakness. That’s maturity. I hope to explore this particular concept more in a future post

Posting here for accountability…

just made a stupid decision which led to a terrible fall. Feeling awful. Had a nice little clean streak from p that’s now shattered. And now have m 3 days in a row. Honestly right now feels like I’m falling apart. I’m trying to remember and appreciate the fact that I went 10 clean days from p(best since I started all of this years ago). But that’s not the dominant feeling. Just pain.
And I don’t understand. I whispered an extra tefillah by maariv asking Hashem for help to quit P. So how on the night of my extra tefillah do I fall. And this tefillah was BEFORE I made that stupid decision. 
Something doesn’t add up Hashem. 

לילה טוב brothers I’m committing right now that tomorrow b”h will be 100% clean. 

bright wrote on 08 Jun 2025 13:44:

Sorry if my post sounded like you were bashing - I dont think you are.
Also, you deserve alot of validation, sorry if my post was not sensitive. Or preachy and mussar(y)
I was just focusing like you said - on the theoretical point.
I have my own personal pain from the system.- I feel I have alot of pain from it - but I think what I said is ultimately exciting.
It's where real growth begins. 
Regarding the holocaust of course you are right.
But its worth pointing out what I heard about Rebbitzen Ausband (Wife of the late Telzer Rosh Yeshiva Rav Eizek Ausband Zt"l)
She said something to the effect that before the holocaust you couldnt give her anything worth it to go through such a nightmare. After the holocaust you couldnt give anything to her that would be worth giving up what she gained.
I think that no matter what people deserve empathy but theres a discovery that can be gained specifically in the pain and darkness - if the person is ready. And that discovery is really who he was meant to be all along. 
Again, you are so right, that when in pain, a person needs a shoulder to cry on. I definitely relate to that. 
Maybe there should be an anonymous support group for this type of pain, kind of like gye - moderated by a daas Torah?
Just thinking...

trying23 wrote on 21 May 2025 19:35:

Reminder if you want to join for this Tuesday night pm me

You seriously scared the living daylights out of me for few seconds. (not nice) Not to belittle your predicament, but welcome to the club! I think most of us suffer from this malady to a certain extent, in one form or another. צרת רבים חצי נחמה.

WOW.

Just made it here and I'm blown away by the clarity and stinging truth of what's been written thus far.

I've been klopped, bopped, smashed, and a lot more, by the system for as long as I can remember.
There has been times that my survival method was flight and I would kinda find my own corner of society, and there's been times when I hacked it and was a very active part of unzere velt.

So I can very much relate to some of what's been written.

Just to try and bridge the gap a bit between @bright and @trueme, it hit me as follows.

What we each experience on a personal level can very much be used as a growing experience.
More than that, what we experience is meant to be a tool for us to increase our self awareness, to discover reservoirs of strength and resilience that we never knew or imagined that we had.
In that vein, pointing fingers at any external cause, be it the system, the weather, or the POTUS, we are not only missing the lesson - but we are losing an opportunity.

A golden opportunity.

But when we look back or when we contemplate how the system is affecting others, then we are entitled to point out potential flaws, in a productive manner.

סתירת זקנים בניין, וד"ל.

And on that note, it has long bothered me the extent that the current Yeshiva system seemingly has no awareness for the Eibeshter.
We have an abundance of Torah, Lomdus, maybe even a tad of Hashkafa.
But who speaks about Hashem?
Does your average Mesivta Bachur even know that there is a concept of having a personal kesher with our Father in heaven?
Beis Medrash Bachur?
Kollel Yungeleit?
Why is the Yeshiveshe Oilam seemingly so uncomfortable about discussing the Eibeshter? About openly admitting that "I talk to Hashem on a personal level, even not during davening.

Something seems to have gotten lost along the way, and with all of our zeal for Toirah, Un Nor Toirah, I think we may have forgotten some of the most basic tenets of Yidishkeit.

Sorry if I offended anyone.
I'll stop here.

Oh, one last point that came to mind and I can't resist.

When we have awareness of a kesher with Hashem from a young age, then that kesher is unwaverable even once we leave Kollel and are no longer in a matzav of תורתו אומנותו, wouldn't that be just amazing if that could take place?

Hello chevra! hope were all doing great!, I have some somber news to share with my fellow gye friends, i was nebach diagnosed, now before i even continue please take a minute to be mispallel for altehmirrer ben his mother, thank you so much as the tefilos of my fellow gyers are vey powerful!

The good news is that all the doctors agree that the situation is hopeful, but they say that alot of the recovery really depends on me the patient, so i'm hoping to do my part.

Now for some details the name of this sickness is YENEM MACHLA (not to be confused with yeneh machla ch''v), it is a detrimental sickness which affects every second of the patients day, it robs him of any menucha, it is terrible, as it robs him from his very essence, here is a description of some of the symptoms,
1. living life to impress YENEM
2. always trying to copy YENEM
3. never thinking for oneself, only for YENEM
never truly being ok with myself, never believing in myself, thinking of myself as a worthless piece of garbage, the only value i had was what others would think of me, bec. i thought nothing of myself, so all my life i would do the motions of YENEM,  as a kid... as a bochur... and as a yungerman... always comparing myself to YENEM, to the "in" guy, hoping (and sometimes succeeding) that those around me would think of me as YENEM, never really feeling connected to it, and never feeling real, but that was my only fuel that i knew of, after all what's my other option? to be garbage to me and to others? i may as well atleast fool others.....

Bh since i joined gye and since i am rediscovering life i am doing alot better, more comfortable and accepting of myself, and more of a govra, but am i healed yet? no!, i still have a hangover of YENEM MACHLA, i still find myself making choices based on me being YENEM, it's a horrible machla as it causes one not to reach their potential, and to be miserable people.

So please keep on davening for me מתוך שאר חולי ישראל,

With a heart full of thanx, the @alteh

I fell.
Frustrating.
Started over.