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How do I feel when I have two options, from which to decide?
And I know what is the right one, deep down inside
"For now  there is no dveikus..perhaps in your life there is sorrow 
"But do the right thing tonight, dear talmid.. Your yeshua IYH WILL come tomorrow
"It is best to stay put- stay status quo
"It is what is in your best interest"..or so I have been told
But alas.. addiction ..atraction ..intense loneliness..fear..
Whispers my fantasy gal..my "night time companion" :
"Come closer my dear!
I will make you feel wanted, guilt free,  and free of your "pursuit of perfection" "Jewish disease
You know sweety ..The lifestyle you tell me which brings you to your knees
She is a confidant strong beauty, warm, aggressive so very charming.. 
So right then I am distorted, of just who I am harming..
My Health. Heart and happiness. My body and soul
Because on this given night: Lust fulfillment, is my only goal
So the fire :SO very hot, burning so very bright 
Providing overpowering sensations, ecctatic delights
And all ties to Torah are severed, when I "jump in"
and let go
Such bone chilling sensations.How I love it so!
But alas all "good' things must come to an end..
And from my drug like joy ride, I abruptly decend
Alas. Intense torturous "burns" on the soles of my feet
Once more I swear: "No more to go through this intense fiery heat !
" Yes this is it self..NO more! This WILL be the very last time"
( A man  of stupidity who can find?")
So the burns are sheer torture! They cover my skin
Such "comfort" to know technically shichvat zerah livatalah is not a sin 
But I have not given up. I am still in this fight.. 
For my soul to know tranquility, and spiritual delights 
Ya know.. maybe way back, I would have known that sexual magic,say, by a campfire and under the light of the moon 
But I couldnt- wouldnt- or mustnt.. for I am an Orthodox Jew
So somewhere deep deep inside. I deny myself a Harlequin like romance
Please please HaKadosh Baruch Hu .. This year..could you give me just one more chance??? 

A MORONIC SYSTEM THAT MAKES SO MANY ACT OUT ..AND IN SO MANY WAYS AND SOME CONCRETE SOLUTIONS Witney Houston once sang …Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all I am ok cuz G-d don't make junk , goes the saying Love your neighbor as thyself

You have to love yourself

A rav in Israel called this "basisi", basic stuff

It is every parent's goal; to raise kids with a sense of self love

That way they won't act out ..with food, drugs, rage, lust etc

However in today's Jewish community often things are different.

"My students think G-d hates them!" in despair, Rabbi  Hikind announced to his father's radio show listeners  Rav Arush writes how the vast majority of the people whom he counsels hate themselves

And Rav Sheya Twerski spent his writing career combatting what he called the number #1 problem of our generation, low self esteem

Indeed hating yourself is a one way ticket to that island of acting out with our toxic "friends" drugs, food, alchohol, rage, lust, you name it

I write as one who really struggles with this hate, self esteem thing

"We were taught to doubt" one night, talk show host Larry King tells of how he viewed Judaism growing up.

What was I taught growing up?

What are so many today taught?

No one taught me "Thou shat hate thyself"

Fine

I was taught just this :

YOU MUST FOLLOW A HIGHLY RIGOROUS DEMANDING SET OF LAWS

IF YOU DON’T, WHATEVER AND WHENEVER YOU FALL SHORT, A LOVING G-D (no sarcastic quotation marks)WILL TORTURE YOU IN THIS WORLD PERHAPS, AND DEFNATELY THE NEXT, WITH SPIRITUAL PAINS THAT MAKE THE HOLOCAUST LOOK LIKE A RIDE ON A REKEVET KALA IN JERUSALEM, OR  THE INCONVENIENCE OF A SHORT DELAY FOR THE "F "TRAIN IN MANHATTAN

THIS VERY LOVING G-D  WILL PUT YOU IN A STATE OF KAF VAKELLA FOR ETERNITY – BUT ONLY IF YOU REALLY REALLY TRY HIS LOVING PATIENCE. SO DON’T WORRY

ALL THE WHILE I, LIKE SO VERY MANY OTHERS, WERE EXPOSED TO PERVERSE SICK, IMMORAL, VIOLENT, SEXUALLY IMPLICIT AND EXPLICITE,  TV, RADIO, CABLE ETC, WIRIING ME TO SIN, AND IN SO  MANY WAYS

Of course popculture  affected me! It is scientifically proven that virtually all of us say that they are amongst those chosen few who aren’t affected

I watched and listened, and was hugely affected for the worse Consequently, the Torah became harder to follow.

So I often couldn’t measure up to Yiddishkeit. My self esteem took a real first class beating. I hated myself, judged others harshly, and  in a sense I hated G-d. I felt He hated me.I suppose you can love life as a failure. Gilligan of my sitcom TV saturated rerun childhood, did. I didnt.

So I got depressed and I acted out.

"When I think back on all that [religious dogma] I learned in gradeschool and highschool;  it is a wonder I can think at all" I quote a song from my youth "Hate yourself ? When did we say we tell you to actually hate yourself? We love you daledadar.3

" But be careful to not speak lashon hara. & study your five hundred page manual. Learn it well. Some lashon hara is murder Study  then you won't be guilty of murder.

"You removed the peach label wrong on a warm Shabbos afternoon? You are past twenty years old so you are excommunicated. An das you know daledaadar.3, it is Biblical command  But you can get your excommunication reversed. It is gonna take a lootta work though.

"No don’t hate yourself. That is a tremendous aveirah daledadar.3

"But that list of ayn lo cheileck lionlam haba in Perkei Avos...? Yeah watch that daledadar.3 ,because you can lose your ticket to paradise " LIES MY RABBIS TOLD ME or what they told me they really had NO business telling me ! The melting pot is very real. And so too JEWISH GUILT IS VERY REAL AND THESE DAYS ( not centuries ago mind you perhaps  . Then extremely harsh mussar HAD its place.)but these days …?IT IS A KILLER!

Toras H-shem temimah. Torah is beautiful, wonderful. As a levi I say my aliyah with great pride and often. But you don’t teach niddah to seven year olds, you don’t spit  on Superman's cape... and in a generation where emunah is virtually impossible compared to, say, 100 years ago...Dont teach me very shtark mussar and highly rigourous obligations  which guilt many of us out & bum us out to the point of acting out!.

I, and many of us are part of a cruel sadistic experiment ; not by Nazis and no, not as severe

No one person actually does this .. But this is the experiment: Let us raise kids with WWF wrestling, graphic songs where teenagers lose their virginity panting and moaning heavily ,and rappers seducing women into copulating (or just forget the seduction part) Let us show kids all sorts of utterly graphic violence that would make Alfred Hitchkock of fifties fame horror film creator, flintch with terror ;heads being chopped off all sorts of things

Now let us tell them not to touch women's pinkies, or look at them, and inform them that any erection might be the fault of the young man (us) in this experiment.Inculcate the participants that masturbation is like murder.

"Let us see" say the experimentors  ..with all this sex violence scoffing on one hand ///-and elite kedusha as very polar opposite forces  ..let us see how many end up maladjusted, older  singles, with shalom bayis problems, disenchanted with their faith, drug addicts, floundering in life etc etc etc

and acting out  …    Hell, Gehenom, Purgetroy "60 times hotter than the sun rabosi" I can still hear the  deep voice of my 9th grade rebbe, "touched" as African Americans would have called him , lecturing to a very modern Orthodox highschool....... 60 times hotter than the sun rabosi 60 times !!  And so many of us had parents who let their kids see, listen, and inhale TV, radio, movies, rap,    "What can we do?" bewail so many parents in 2019. " My kid acts out with food, drugs,lust, violence and chutzpah to their mechanchim ?"the parents go on and on and on I have a suggestion Daledadar.3 can give you an "eitzah maalyah"  Take a "Back to the Future" Time machine to when Harrry Truman was chastised for using the taboo turn "Hell" in a speech   Tell them what you expose yor kids to Let them actually see the  sewer of 2019 cable   SHOW IT ALL, PARENTS OF A MESSED UP CHILD!

Then social service 1950S style ,alla a guy like  a judge like Perry Mason of TV fame, fifties style will sentence your "Bruchie" and "Duvie" to be removed "You aren’t fit parents" he will declare.

If you don’t comply, then a cop like, say,  Andy Griffeth and  Barnie Fife of TV fame, will force " Bruchi" and "Duvie" out of their "Jekyl Hyde" –morning lessons of Avraham Aveinu who didn’t gaze at Sarah due to tzniyus -night time homosexual sitcoms and riality shows and onslaught of sex vilence and all the filth ,all the filth

   That teacher I once had who spoke of  "60 time hotter than the sun" stuff to his students, his students from TV homes. How did they respond? They taught the "helige"rav's three and four year old nibul peh  "You shouldn't say that. That is a naughty word."  "the four year old bechor affectionately told his little brother  The  rav affectionnately would kiss his little ones -(even after they would use nibul peh...-rightfully so)  "Little kids need lots of affection at that age" teh rav of my youth would inform us ...... AND WE DONT ??! After all ..did the GRA"S  generation sit down to Uncle Miltie dress up like a woman, or witness the simulated violent rape of a man as in TV's St Elsewhere?

Did Abiya and Rava's generation watch practically naked women violently beat up nearly, but not quite as muscular, men? In the time of Rashi, did people hear leitzanus about howmosexuality "not being anything that wrong" and taunts from women to men about fake orgasms, from a "mefursam" Jewish badchan ? Mistama not  In the times of Rabbi Akiva Eiger, did modern orthodox yiddden listen intently to rappers flaunt going into clubs and, in vulgar terms, seducing women and copulating with them, usually as these women are totally "maskim" (though not always, to totally to meaningless  lustful one night stands, or half night stands perhaps) ( We are wary ooooh there is antisemetism in rap The other stuff is 'going a little to far" vihaer shushan navocha!!) Torah changes with the times. Rav Shimshon Rafael Hirsch and Ba'al Shem Hakadosh paskined Rabbis at risk, kindly put down the harsh heavy mussar and teach a G-d of UN conditional- not conditional love !! David Berkowitz and a rapper who rapes, feel G-ds love. Maybe rabbis are at risk if countless of us hate ourslelves? Ya think ?   Jewish Press loves to tell us about how the NYTIMES ignored the Holocaust. While actualy they did write hundreds of articles about the Holocaust

That is much more than  AMI MISHPAHCA Jewish  Press, Jewish Week, Jewish Connection, Yated and Hamodia combined ever wrote on the evils of pop culture and how it is destroying our people

Oh, and if their readership doesn’t watch pop culture WHY DON’T THEY WRITE ARTCLES TEACHING THEIR READERSHIP HOW TO MOTIVATE OTHERS TO STOP? The answer ?Perhaps thy will "inform you" that no one watches TV and or cable. (By the way not much is written to inspire people to get filters on smartphones and computers)

So if no one is watching TV And cable anymore....?. Give me a break Tell me about all those "smartphone" or "computer"  Superbowl parties

Why the incessant "purple glow " on the very Modern orthodox  Ocean parkway in Brooklyn ??  No one uses dollars or shekels.i suppose.. Keys ?No one uses keys it is all hand censored ! In the words of let su say  a TV and Cable free home eralicha beis Yaakov girl  .. "BALONEY!" Aguda said they spoke aganst TV ...7 years ago!!  Hollywood pro Palestinians are anti semites. Got it Got it  . How about pondering  this in peridodicles :….

Are Hollywood folk who mock and figuritevely  burn our Torah day and night on TV and cable TV shows antii-Semites?? Magazines please,you do such wonderful work .. But  could you kindly  stop looking at "those darn kids" what is wrong with them? angle   I think  Mr Hikind and his son get it Rav Arush gets it

Gateway to Happiness' Rav zelig Pliskin  in my opinion gets it

Lots of rabbbanim get it  Many dont They are the Rabbis at risk

But back to all to us

Next time you put on teffilin –or if you dont, just contemplate it for a while --Viarisatech li lolam. G-d is connected ot me always  What an invigorating happiness inducing calming tranquil pleasant thought  Sit com  dads love their kids .. and even  when they acted up really bad! From Mr  Brady to Andy Griffeth  to the dad on different Strokes.. Hakodosh Baruch Hu is as good as them.. You know what INFINATELY BETTER !! His love is UN conditional

First came chessed THEN later din for a reason Today we are my ninth grade rebbes three and four year old. Rav Moshe Wolfson shlita consistantly speaks of a weaker generation that should be treated more gently which has harsh tests

G-d loves unconditionally

According to what I read in a Rav Sheya Twerski classic on perkei Avos, a Fire and Brimstone rav I knew.., please forgive me, but he butchered pshat in that ain lo chellek liolam habba mishna Yes dear reader you are  in for much beauty in the next world ; so stick around and "chap" even more schar in this world Naur Bismicha

If mass murderer David Berkowitz, and a rapper who raped, know G-d loves them ,then so can we all !

Every generation must have different "trumpets"

We grow up in a world where "cannibalism is ok" so to speak-  a sick perverse  time The trumpets have changed and they should  And maybe just maybe we all could hear the metophoric trumpets so to speak, if everyone would turn off the "SATANIC BLACK BOX"

I remember when rabbi Sheya Twerski wrote "Like Yourself and Others Will Too "

Know HAkadosh Bruch Hu's  love is UN -I repeat- UN conditional DONT BELIEVE THE MOTZE SHEIM RAH AGAINST YOUR HELEGE HIGHER POWER ; then you will get to like yourself be a better person and &happier yid … A DONT PUT INTENSE PRESSURE ON YOUSELF  DONT FOCUS ON THIS GEHENOM GARBAGE  This is a little tougher for you.. Turn off the TV and all the stuff which isnt good for you and making life less pleasant (But dont "gullt" albout it)

and you wont want to act out    Please honored reader, if you would send this to any and all of the wonderful  publications which I  mentioned that are guilty of ignoring how toxic pop culture is; I would be indebted and very honored G-d bless you and gantz klal Yisroel !!

The only l ine which was not genuine in this incredibly helpful piece is " I am not a good writer  You inspired  me to return bn to SA 
Thank you 
My core weakness is lack of respect and not doing what is best 4 me 
I crave to be DIS respected - yet loved in my sick fantasies
I sincerely have doubts I will get anywhere
IYH I will succeed
The word vahochel means I WILL again eat (by chait of Adam Harehshon)
I would AT THIS POINT  prefer the world be created so I can indulge in hedonistic immorality (with some breaks of course )
There is a "magnet" on my head
Where 12 steps fail- and lust is fed
Why I Look I am not sure why
after all .....
There are cars and trees the grass the sky
It is not like I am "a man on fire "
But I check out women to admire
No Commitment so I reman ...
Nothing ventrured nothing gained
Alas Progressive victory I am achievinge
But true RECOVERY..... For now I am just "believing"
To be loved by a parent if...if and on condition ..you get good grades you treat your siblings well you stay religious you make a lot of money.
That works best if ..you get good grades you treat your siblings well you stay religious and you make a lot of money
Let us examine Yitzchak's love of Eisav :It was great But on some level it was conditional -that EIsav provide "tzayid"(versus Rifkah simply loves Yaakov)
Avraham, Eisav's grandfather, had a grat deal of chesed. He loved everyone UNConditionally
Perhaps Esiav was a recipient of that unocnditional love from Avraham Perhaps Avraham's death- the end of a source of an unconditional love I love you if you are wild dont learn so well "I just love you Eisav"
Perhaps the bigf tough Eisav we learned about craved that needed that and missed that sorely
Then Avraham was niftar That might have been  a part of why  Eisav went on his rampage as a fifteen year old Sex and who only knows what .
Yitzchak Aveinu was of course a great tzaddik However let us look at conditionl versus uncondtional love
The smoker's cigarette ALWAYS comes through with unconditional comfort , Snickers always satisfies So too sex. It  provides the ""love '' And I double quote for a reason
Wives friends coworkers and projects are so conditinal tempremental
and inconsistant. Eisav wasnt so strong.

The loose women and victims of horrid abuse would satisfy ALWAYS FOR EISAV
They say  Dont walk in the ways of Eisav harasha.Life in the long run with all its conditional aspects  that come with its happiness is a REAL and blessed thing!Let us treausure all our real blessings   
The question is really do I ever NOT!!
I preface by saying I believe Toras H-shem temima!

But I was taught Growing up- in a Conservadox home mind you with TV radio movies Playboy ("YOung  must be 18!")-that I will stay out of this G-d endorsed torture chmber... provided I do my best..N o obligation to do more than my best .
So I must know not to take off the tiny tag off the peach I eat on shabbos ,never do shichvat zerah and all the other aiyn lo cheeleks liolam haba of course Lashon hara is "ONLY like murder And certainly not all Only some 
I am before the Stairway to heaven song
led Zepplin are no tzadikkim
But I chap

All the while we woudl hear rock icon on the radio vividly panting as he lloses his virginity. A  nice menu fo znus on TV and movies
My father wasnt Terach chalila but it si my fault I didnt samsh the idol
I would get angry -but them I would lose my olam haba!!!

I Love the Torah
It is the morons who dont have enough kavana when they say seichel tov lichol osayhem
They never had it Maybe never will

Let us review Dont teach hilchos nedah to four year olds
Dont spit into the wind
Dont tug on spermans cape
Adn dont shove perfectionistic garbage about scary stuff
It si erev Hallloween
My education was along horor movie
I didnt growup in 1865
'69 I was fouir years old
Schar vionesh have their place
And yes yes G-d is good first teach He loves us THEN I repeat Then and if we were ready teach a mature onesh
Quick story... waiting for a Q train at 1130 PMa guy sang the Lennon """clasic""" apikausis
"imagine there is no Heaven Iwonder if you can no hell bellow us or brotherhood or  man
He had  a great voice
Sinful words
He wasnt Jewish Lennon
Just MY View feeling opinion... He will really suffer for a warped veiw
But he was so far from TRULY EVIL!
TRULY EVIL people stay in hell
Even they in that place those truly evil know there si a G-d
Or the really bad human garbage burn yemach shemam vizechram !

In the words of a fine woman from Brooklyn I used ta know In thick Brooklyn accent  
"Chaim Dont wauuuryy about it !"
When I was a youngen my pa told me...Look son Yer not gonna see this anymore soon  They are gonna outlaw this !" on the tv a tall "man of valor" complete with cowboy hat and " shmoneh bigudim
" WLECOME TO MARLBOROUGH COUNTRY the ad bellowed
It was 1970 and smoking was still cool
well it is 2019 ... smokin aint cool anymore
FOR ME SEXUALITY MAKES ME FEEL VERY VERY "COOL"(nebach!!)
 beasteality is an exception there are others homosexual thoughts make me feel cool
When I dont want my "guest" in my head maybe I will totaly kick him out

Maybe I will then go to a kareoke ,explain to the crowd what hehuri ra  are and sing Gloria Gaynors "I will survive " YA know where she chnges the lock on her boyfriend cant get in anymore
Very seriously ...It is hard to find offensive and "bad " what you "feel" is "good"
What happened tot Gloria Gayno:cool:r anyway
I am trying to  make a perfect article- then again, perfectionism is one of three things which bring Lot's downfall. Besides trying to ber perfect by saving Sedom fronm theri imorality he demands Avraham his role model be perfect.This one is a toughe. He cant  break out of the mold his father creates. He is his father's son til the end. He cant swallow that he is just Lot-not Yitzchak -just Lot Not all of us excell NOt all of us are supposed to. That is also ok
The result was that he had incest with daughters (who were Tdikanios)

Well if anyone had a great deal thrust upon him in his young life it was Lot! : A ruthless grandfather named Terach who would just as soon have his father named Haran, and uncle Avraham killed by being burned by ruthless king Nimrod ; 
The world hated his family and the monotheism it stood by .. More than that -his father Haran lacked a sense of sureness and confidence in his decision making. Lot had to deal with all that
He never finds the father figure. We all must find father figures -or as close to it as we can -or is available ot us. Here was the threat of being burned to death. Avraham will make a kiddush H-shem. Harans response ?.......
"If Avraham survives the fires of kasdim THEN and only then am I with him" 

He has no sense of security in his life and that perhaps is the impetus in his acting out later
He finds somemthing he never got though in going to Israel LECH LECHA MEARTZECHA .... A larger than life role model ;a man who was inspired and inspiring An ohaiv habriyos umekarvan laTorah
Avraham Avienu

What happens though when he sees that new father figure lack bitachon and ponder- then actually give in to the impending starvation threat  -and go down to Egypt? .
The relationship turns sour.   
DISASTER!
Lot now wants nothing more to do with Avraham - It seems that fear was something Lot had no patience with.Lot wanted the perfect rebbe role model (perhaps this is pshat)
 So no "good-byes" to Avraham Aveinu (though his shepherds did say goodbye)No 'thank you for saving me from the four kings' at a later time

Lot feels he is the heir aparent to Avraham. Indicative of his name in gematria he reaches forty five only not forty nine or fifty which symbolize completeness.
He resents that he is not considered the heir and lets his shepherds graze. (Why can't we all just accept who we are. Maybe less of us would act out  !??)
The medrash states that Avraham is at fault for not loving and reaching out to Lot enough
Lot must accept a loving uncle He doesnt get a true replacement loving father

This is life.

And there is something worse
He holds on to ambivalence -like his father, Lot never rises above Haran Lot never "breaks the cord"
"Take my daughters!" he later says to the Anshe Sedom ;he clebrates Pesach
Rav Hirsch speaks of how he feels bad when his city gets wiped out
I dont want to leave Sodom and am only willing to  go to Tzoar" he says to the malachim
He needs to rise to the occasion Unlike his father at the Kivshan haish.
.
Then Lot rebels gets absorbed in a guilt fest for the city he tried to reach out to ,leaves it all and becomes a sexaholic

Morals
Guilt is a boa constricter
So is perfectionism
IN oneself
IN others
Self love and accpetance at any cost is a fun garden snake
Find your higher Power sponser One that truly cares and follow him or her ...TO THE TIE
Knowing that you are not your parents is helpful
There seems to be a great deal of need to excell as a Jewish person in the beginning of the 21st century AND AT ALL COSTS !!
Multi multi or great "learning boy" and both !!And some seem to settle for sexaholic....
And finally if all else Lot is a "Perplexing Hero"
WE ARE ALL HEROES





a perplexing hero so says the Artscroll
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