Dear Yosef 10
Thank you so very much for responding I am delighted you like my poem
You are right and Chasdei H-shem I am at a better place
I like your ending
I can tell you the technique I used ..Dont know where you are in sobriety and also how you feel about the storng women aspect
Would like to be in touch with  you if you would like at chaimkwass@gmail.com
Chanukah sameach
chaim

An addiction so sweet so strong
An addiction so "right" so "wrong"

"NO I dont like it I tell you I don't!
"But an addiction. I won't leave it.. I won't"

You guess its called wiring why i remain
You are puzzled why someone would like all of this pain

Well you see its all about self-denegration
Self hate, sabatoge and flagelation

Why do i so want to lose?
Why is  it this  the life i choose???

Women are superior -WINNERS! -I am their cute failure to take care of
A fantasy yes to beware of

Some day I will get out...Or perhaps I won't I fear
Some days just to disappear

G-d throw me a life net of this I demand
To your unloyal servant with fractured hands 
To your unloyal servant with fractured hands

I do not know that you know
The place so dark of which i go
I dont believe you understand
My disturbed and self destructive "land"
It is a land of decadence ..but such a horrid place
To soon I wish time to erase
Then i go "just one more time "
That universe inside my mind
For i am but a boy
"Currently Single and Unemployed "
From my "wonderland " more than even the one Above
I feel sureal unconditional love
No need for  any pain or depair
She is soo strong &always cares
With my confusion haughtiness and sins
Not yet to drink from Torah springs
So to self  I plead with a sense fo self love
"SELF do not wallow from below -...nor peer down at people from above
NO I SAY I AM G-DLY that is me
One day no Eisav sister.... just you and me !!

We all try to avoid the avieros associated with this site
Why ???
I know ...then dont ...then do ...then sort of do .....
Now I do However ..
I had to place it in my head. The SA white book  "What is wrong with lust"  part, did that
Hihurim the acting out which  I do, is really no different then
...the guy who reaches for weed when he gets fired  
The woman who can't stop holding back on that donut when she feels hurt by her husband
The teenager who takes a puff for fear of not fitting in at yeshiva
There is life- ....and escape ie DRUGS
 Drugs come in different forms
Kedoshim and is all about livng a healthy balanced holistc lifestyle
Maybe in some ways I didnt "want' to get it
Now I am able to answer "im yishalcha adam" as Rashi comments on the words "vishenantam livanehca" I guess now, it is, as the words previous to that in shema, it is "on my heart " 
Thanks you Mr White Book guy for a lesson I was taught at fourteen
Is now part of me intelletually ..and more

  


The only healthy obsession slash drug is limude HaTorah

Let's face it women are better

...Which is what those with an anxiety disorder will do: Bizaare counterproductive just plain really dumb sexually acting out -for no apparent reason. COUNTERPHOBIC!!!

The misah with the Eigel which involved znus was an example-High anxiety... "Where is our leader Moshe ? Then sex.

Personally I am beginning to realize that some of the things I have  done, or have attempted to still do are just that -
"counterphobic".
People may not like labelling Jews ..-But labelling activity with one word often works.Trust me
ie I feel an urge. I  am thinking like an "idiot" and the lamebrained rationalizations are flyig fast and furious. My legs are doing the walking  to the object of my desire or place of desire .I just want to act out act out act out. Nah I will skip it let the urge anxiety and senselessnesss pass. I am just couinterphobicing  Most Hatlacha to us all

There were all of Klal Yisroel Listening .. "Be so very dignified Dont take revenge Love People.
And you cant even harbor any hate in your heart  These are lot of shver inyanim to keep!
So why does Moshe Rabeinu also speak of bazaar actions of arayos and.. ..Molech Who would ever do that??!

I believe one lesson is that the one who learns of these lofty goals: not harboring any resentment to the guy who cuts ahead of you in line and loving those who are "unlovable "...
Well, the temptation is there to run from it all-be one of those Viking pirate pro-Molech types chuck it all   
It is shver to not have sexual thoughts Judaism is about excelling and excelling means one can get guilt ridden and depressed and want ot just chuck it all .Lot did that Kayin did that .Perspective! and just feeling good about oneself and going at a healthy clip of spirtual growth.
Thanks for reading !

A Peacock an eye on that lousy TV!/Hangin' up shirts in the dirty breeze/Hold them in their arms you can feel their disease /.The seeds were planted for being an addict 
I became lonely weak and needed to feel/Strong women -sometimes imagination -sometimes real /
I night I would ride a "misery bound ferris wheel" /This aint no fun being an addict/
I was miserable (still am)afraid to fly free /They say it is about life so religiously /Sad thing... that I who truly was and will always be /Yet I somehow still live the life of an addict
But I hear there is love and there is lust/A loving G-d in whom to trust / Haven't found Him, though I know I must /Can someone help me from being an addict? 

This parsha is the beginnings of Mashiachs_Ben Yosaif and Ben David
Both YOsaif and Yehuda ,just as many of us ,act human. Sinning in sexual ways.
Yosaif sins in a certain sense with The scoucndrel Eishes Potefar ,Yehudah with a perceived harlot.
Both ......Disgruntled by their brothers 
Both .......end up involved in a trial
Both........leave physical objects as evidence
Both end up marrying tzidkanios who act valiently (Asanas who tells the truth
end saves the day and Tamar who will risk anything than embarrass Yehudah
Yet there are differences 
Why is that 
All good things Chaim    

I was born in America red white and blue//Jewish American yes but Amercan Jew 
In America you can shoot for the stars//As for me I never got far 
But  I loved the Mid-west just the same//Dreaming one day of "playing the game" 

Yiddishkeit had an appeal//It is about what you do and how you feel
But there was also radio movies and TV //Women provided a mystery
I did pretty well in school for a while just same//Trying to play a game 
Tehai rasha tehai tzadik so "I'm sooo confused //Perhaps this is called being abused
It is hard to figure out the rules// What is a player who is the fool??
"She likes the way I stare//Pop-culture cruel unfair 
ENOUGH!! The shmutz i grew up with is now considered tame 
i just cant play this game !