sleepy wrote on 16 Jun 2020 21:48:

no one is taking the bait on that, mate.
but this isnt about starting a fight. plenty of that going on now though, but over here we dont even have the cops, save the mods...
This is about ''down with the paintbrush''! and ALL lives (even those that are different) MATTER!
Seriously though, I myself sometimes look at reality,people,situations through such a myopic I project from my own experience and like minded people that it almost seems as if other personalities, other types, another opinion, derech etc. ...just doesnt exist. And I think its appropriate to call it out when that happens on a public platform. I remember (although its hazy) that this sort of topic came up before and i called out someone for saying something like most of people protesting in meah shearim for tznius have big kedusha issues themselves and that theres a direct connection. 
My response?
''Uh, you took a survey''?
 How do you know that?
Maybe most ARE sincere? 
OMG is it possible that despite your experience other people are different??
I welcome anyone who believes that i am mistaken in my message to speak up.

Couldnt hold back looking, could you, eh?
Figured if i dont have content, at least i could make up for it with controversy (before they expell me to the land of the silenced banned ones, that is )
Now i really didnt know if this should be placed here, or in "just having fun'' or in a totally new subject called ''trouble''-we miss you, by the way!)
There are those (usually big wise elders type men, that will denounce this and say it doesnt belong here at all-this is the way to get them to not comment at all, btw.)
Oh right! I almost forgot what i wanted to say!
There was a recording sent out recently by a prominent member of gye. He doesnt need my haskamah, but i want this to be taken in context that he is quite an impressive individual, and even i fargin him that. (dont know what fargin is?! where were you raised! these boys nowadays...tsk, tsk...)
That being said something he said struck a cord(s) in me and i posted about it a while back, but unfortunately i am having trouble (hint) locating the old post. out with the old, and on with the new, i say!
i am not addressing the recordings message, which was almost as long as his posts (c'mon, i get at least 2 points for that one) and almost all that he said sounded great and from lots of expirience (the exp. part is def. true.)
Now im uninterested about infering and analyzing his words like a rishon and please dont correct me on that. my point is there was a message given over that to say every non jew (ish lady) is consumed with the desire for men to obsess over her is simply not true and its just a ploy of guys that want to think like that because they really want to continue viewing them as objects, and not the human beings with thier own busy lives that they are.
before i rant, (didnt i do that already?) I want to express a little difficulty with posting on a forum in general, and gye in particular. no two minds think alike. your words will be misconstrued and pliable like spaghetti before you have time to edit it. gye is a place that many many types frequent and serves them in-you got it-many different ways.
For the fellow that is addicted-sorry i dont really relate (im using the word really for a reason) but to the jew that wants to and is basically doing the will of Hashem yet he has some lusting issues, gye can be a great source of chizzuk for him. i know this from exp. 
And I am talking to fellows in the latter category.
when we talk about non jewish society it comes to mind an interview of a respected news station anchor and a religious activist (And a rabbi-to complete the joke) 
Here is the substance of the conversation (this hapened around 2 years ago) 
Respected News Guy Dude Face (RNGDF): Say, Religiou Activist (RA) Porn is really something wrong? I mean, whats absolutely WRONG about it? 
RA: Oh its definetly immoral and-
RNGDF: Immoral? But wouldnt you agree thats just a religious issue...?
RA: Sure its wrong from a religious point, but i think many would agree that it destroys relationships and marriages and therefore is wrong even from a theoretical point of view
RNGDF: Really? I dont think you can label it wrong outside of religion...

i heard from an adom gadol that when a certain state legalized same sex marriage they really assumed the status of sodom but perhaps we didnt see no fire and brimstone cuz maybe there are 50 righteous people in the city...
There are 2 issues here.
1. does the non jewish society think and busy themselves with sex and specifically znus?
2. when a jew thinks FEH! What a prutzah etc. is he really a sick pervert that wants to continue objectify women?
Have we honestly lost our logical minds?! society sells sex at every corner,  toevah tachas kol eitz vzayis raanan, teenagers with urges mingle with mixed gender classes and are even encouraged to have girlfriends and take them to the prom etc whatever...you think it makes sence that these people are not much more prone twords free and active promiscuity, znus, and yes-even wanting men to obsess over them???? (even if not ALL its def. something to suspect! you practicaly cant find a good book or movie today that doesnt have-yup-indecent matireal in it because thats what SELLS! CUZ THATS WHAT THE NON JEWISH SOCIETY ENCOURAGES AND WANTS! 
I am not saying theres anything objectively wrong with them as people or judging them and of course there is a divine plan for them in this world.
And its true that there are fellows who think that every non jewish lady wants men to obsess etc. for a bad reason.
But dont paint ALL the people with a broad brush and say that EVERY guy that says FEH! is really a sick pervert! There are those that this helps for. And if you cannot see the difference between the desire for this and chazzer-which most FFBs dont really have a desire, then shalom to you. the comparision is absolutely ridiculous. Regarding this, for some people FEH! TUMAH! helps alot more than ''Hashem please help sheniqua''!
Guys that think like that want to continue to objectify women?! guys?! like ALL guys?!
Good heavens you dont KNOW THAT, you never will KNOW THAT, and you have no proof that there are not many who really feel that way- for a good reason! 
The problem with using superlatives is that they are almost always wrong, never true, and lol-im using superlatives but over here its proper! 
 there are many types and stripes on gye I respect them all in terms of whatever works for them. some ppl pray for the lady and some say feh! i hear both and i dont discredit either.
I, and no one, has any right or real reason to.
all being said and done i have tremendous respect for the fellow recorded and this is just a good natured discussion even if the tone is heated. (hes a toughie, and he can take it, too) But for ''guys'' like me, i think this message is crucial-and if it doesnt work for you-thats fine too! thats why i put this thread in ''what works for me!''
peace out.
  

I love your attitude, from what you write, especially in this Covid era, your situation is not an easy one. I can only say Hashem rewards us according to the difficulties, "lefum tzaara igra". And please don't give up, you are an inspiration to us!
We all have bad days, don't feel bad about it.
I have this impression we frum people suffer from confusion when confronted with negative emotions. I think some bad teachers taught us that being angry, sad etc is bad and we must supress this emotions. It's a sin to be angry! - so they say. Being angry and sad is of course bad, but supressing emotions is something worse and I think and this is very contrary to general hashkafa. If you're angry with someone, it's a real emotion that you can't pretend it's not there and supressing it is bad for you and you may even be oiver "lo tisne achicha". What I think is very kosher is letting the anger out in a very constructive way, like in your case have a very polite and respectful conversion with your father and explain your frustrations with him and or your worries, like the ring and all. I find, at least to myself, even if the outcome is not the one I expected, it feels so much better to "let the weight out". Done in a very respectful fashion should not lead to conflict, on the contrary, it generally leads to good results. This is especially truer for us addicts, we tend to take a bad day or a build up of negative emotions and solve it "our way" and end up not only not solving it but making it worse. When we take the "acting out" away from the equation we have no option but to solve our conflicts, which require a good deal of courage, but turns out to be the best decision for our well being.
The problem I see is people who just vent out their anger at the "target" person, but in a destructive pattern which does make things worse. Or they don't talk to them at all, and the feeling lingers on and eats you from the inside. The middle path, like the Rambam says is the golden standard. I think even from a kibbud av vaem perspective is better to be open with your parents, and in a most respectful way, since they are your parents.

Thanks for the input. 
If your interested in the 12 steps 2 things I suggest. 
Lim in the middle of a great book called Waking Up Just In Time by Rav Dr. Twersky. It simplifies the 12 steps and even shows how we can apply them to every aspect of our lives, a helpful book to even non addicts. There are cute illustrations and a lot of insightful thoughts. 
The second is that if you look on the bottom of the GYE page, you'll see12 step program, click at, and there's a set of Dov going through the steps in a couple of sessions. Gold. But give yourself sometime to listen, a lot of good info in between the lines. 

Hi guys, Sorry my  haven't caught up in a bit... BH I'm doing well, o feel great after a run today, and refreshed and well hydrated. Regarding my addiction though not as good. I had another binge last night and pretty much went all out, and I owe $50 to tzedaka for that... Pretty expensive night. 

Lately I have had a feeling of being out of touch with the reasons of why I want to stop and quit the addiction. After speaking it out with someone, I have actually been showing signs of depression that I didn't even realize, waking up late, being tired, napping, masterbating and pornography, go to sleep late, impulsive eating.... I to,d him all of this, but until he explained these were my usual symptoms of depression I didn't really realize it. So I'm trying to figure out what that is, but what's confusing is I don't really know what caused it. Lack of schedule? Not enough time outside the house? Not enough activity? Or maybe just because I have been in the porn cycle... Where I feel bad and I watch porn, which makes me feel bad so I watch porn...   Could be all of these combined. 

The only weird thing is that I don't really feel depressed, I'm just showing the symptoms... Which could mean I'm repressing something, or I'm just not at a point where I'm in touch with myself. Either way, bh I make it through the day and feel fine most of the time, nothing really crazy up or down besides my binges... So I guess I'll have to look into that more. 

On on my last streak I convinced myself that I worked too hard, and now I'm just venting off all of that pressure I put I myself. Whether it's true or not, there is never a good reason to act out and watch porn... Especially if it's impulsive. So I guess now I'm just looking for a bit more balanced approach. I also know that I have to cut myself some slack because of the situation were all in, but that phylosophy really only works for the past... The future I can plan for, the now I can control. 

For or now to change up my plan I'm gonna try to do what worked before plus a couple of differences... We'll see how it goes 
Sleep schedule with bedtime - 9 hours
Meditate every dayfor at least 2 minutes
Run every day while listening to podcast- at least mile
GYE check up twice a week
Journal every other day
Fortify program every day

Hopefully I'm on a course which is getting me back on track... Because I know I have really gained a lot over the past couple months and there's so much more to enjoy. 

Welcome back! 
If you really trust Hashem to fix you - and get out of His way and let Him run your life even just a little - then it will work. And anyone can do it. Anyone can open that door - the key is willingness. But willingness means nothing without hard work . Many addicts do it every day, they get sober and recover one day at a time. So can you!!

Hi
I feel your pain, believe me it's not a lost cause! 
We must do everything in our power to break free of the vicious cycle now, by taking the necessary steps to break free. As long as we are still caught up in the cycle of addiction, we cannot begin to heal. And the nature of the addiction is such that we cannot think our way out, we need to act our way into a new pattern of thinking.

We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors. This is, in the most literal sense, a life and death struggle for our souls.

Many people have been helped here and so will you with the help of Hashem, as long as you commit to stay here and find your unique solution, you'll get there very soon.

formywife125 wrote on 19 May 2020 03:59:

Sorry to hear about this and hopefully this will be a great learning experience for you. 
Falling can be an important opportunity for learning and becoming stronger.
Falling with lust can be compared to falling off a horse- the best thing someone can do is get right back on again.

People who have relapsed may need to learn to anticipate high-risk situations more effectively, control environmental cues that tempt them to engage in their bad habits and learn how to handle unexpected episodes of stress without returning to the bad habit. This gives them a stronger sense of self-control and the ability to get back on track.

OivedElokim wrote on 10 Jun 2020 04:00:

True accountability is with someone that you know in person.
Simply telling over our feelings and thoughts to a friend or mentor, has tremendous power to help us break the insidious power of the addiction. As the Tzetel Katan of the great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk states:

One should relate before one's teacher, who instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his mind or heart… And one should not withhold anything because of shame. He will find that by relating these things, he will gain the power to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be able to overcome him other times. This is in addition to the good advice that he will receive from his friend in the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful remedy.

We see from the above, that simply relating ones struggles to a friend or mentor has the power to break the strength of the Yetzer Hara.

Try to find a close friend or a Rabbi that you respect, to whom you can confide about your struggles. And even more importantly, we need to make sure to keep in touch with them about our progress and give them honest updates every few days. Obviously for this to work properly, we must remain completely honest and open with our accountability partners, at all cost. If we fall, the shame we will feel in reporting it will be atonement in itself, as well as providing a strong incentive to remain clean next time.

avim wrote on 10 Jun 2020 13:37:

Welcome! I hope that just by knowing that you are not alone in this, you'll get a great boost going forward in this challenge. We are all here with you in this and we're looking forward to growing together! 
Keep strong and keep us posted on your progress.

Welcome chevre, congratulations on taking the first step, coming here and opening up.
We are all in the same boat. I suggest, if you haven't yet, to download the GYE handbook and read it. It's full of info and tips.
Being more specific, I strongly suggest you to read the 12 steps and really try to follow them. It's been scientifically proven to treat addictions in general. But regardless of what you do, do try to come here everyday, and try new things or even come just to get a nice chizuk.

Hello everyone,
I am new here, I am happy to have discovered this website. I am married and have 5 children BH. 20 years ago, after being in kollel a few years, I took a computer course and that's when the porn addiction started. Since then it is a battle that I always lose. I am so happy when I think to have a new strategy to beat the yetser hara, but in a few seconds, the desire wins. I feel so helpless, I realized that only Hashem can save me. I learnt a lot from all this, but I still lose my battles. I have lost faith in my ability to win this battle. It's been so long and during all these years, I spoiled my marriage and my relationship with Hashem. I just hope that it will stop now and that I'd be free from this addiction.

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting. I am 23 years old. I have been struggling with a mild form of pornography addiction and masturbation for a couple of years. In the past, I was able to go a couple of weeks without looking at pornography or masturbating, and then I would get triggered and give in. Last month, I had one really bad week where I gave in to my urges more than usual. It was then that I knew I had to take action. That is what inspired me to come to GYE. 

I am making progress. The first week since I came here, it was very easy not to get triggered because I knew I made a commitment that was still fresh in my memory. The second week was a little more difficult yet manageable. There were some close calls and I sometimes had thoughts that I wish I wouldn't have, but I completed week 2 without giving in.

After 12 days without pornography or masturbation, I had an involuntary nocturnal emission, which likely happened as a result of thoughts I had while I was sleeping. I don't believe I ever experienced this before, and I felt bad that this happened. I know that it is less bad than being "motzi zera levatala", but I was worried that this episode would impede the progress I have been making. Since then, I have managed to ignore temptations, but my thoughts have gotten a little more intense.

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting. I am 23 years old. I have been struggling with a mild form of pornography addiction and masturbation for a couple of years. In the past, I was able to go a couple of weeks without looking at pornography or masturbating, and then I would get triggered and give in. Last month, I had one really bad week where I gave in to my urges more than usual. It was then that I knew I had to take action. That is what inspired me to come to GYE. 

I am making progress. The first week since I came here, it was very easy not to get triggered because I knew I made a commitment that was still fresh in my memory. The second week was a little more difficult yet manageable. There were some close calls and I sometimes had thoughts that I wish I wouldn't have, but I completed week 2 without giving in.

After 12 days without pornography or masturbation, I had an involuntary nocturnal emission, which likely happened as a result of thoughts I had while I was sleeping. I don't believe I ever experienced this before, and I felt bad that this happened. I know that it is less bad than being "motzi zera levatala", but I was worried that this episode would impede the progress I have been making. Since then, I have managed to ignore temptations, but my thoughts have gotten a little more intense. 

18 days clean. חי. BH. Getting a random bursts of thoughts in my brain to just drop the whole thing, but they fizzle out quickly(couple seconds). But its scary bec in those moments its like Im back at the beginning. Part of the issue is bec im studying all day so that means im online all day and my breaks are surfing the web(clean stuff) but sometimes even the clean sites have some triggers. So I have to be more careful.
Tool #9- 90 day journey 
​A lot of studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive behavior(also sources in chazal) . So if your struggling in mast/porn, it could be you just got so used to it that you cant live without it. The 90 day journey can make it easier to fight in the future. Kind of like a sale, put 90 days in now and get a lifetime of easier struggles, and lord knows we want easier struggles.
90 days isnt easy though. Esp to someone who cant imagine more than a week or a couple days clean. Takes mental fortitude and planing. It need chizuk and a support system. Takes the right mentality of 1 day at a time. IDK whats going to happen tom and I dont CARE whats going to happen tom, but today I gotta fight my tuchus off. So start a thread, and shmuzz with chaveriem and get those engines revved.
Key motivating factor is how hard it may be the rest of your life if you dont do these 90 days. "better 90 days than 90 years" 
For me its just keeps coming back to the scary thought of being so stuck in porn/mast that it'll cont into marriage.
The thought of my future eishis chayil just walking in and seeing me. Chills. How much life can be torn apart.
And even if your never caught, how can you get so much pleasure from other women(albeit its virtual) thats not your wife. Shes(your wife) is supposed to be your life partner. How can I do this to her.
Just rambaling and chazering for myself.