I'm posting this in two forums because I'm curious if the response will be the same here (or at least similar) than that with those who are dealing with SSA issues. 

     To get on the point, I have had a great difficulty comprehending how to view masturbation / shvichas zera l'vatalah and how to do teshuvah about it. We see in so many places how it is really a big deal and definitely not something to dismiss as boys will be boys and this it is just something that we do. Yet, we know that HaShem never gives us a challenge we can't overcome . So, it must be that we do have the strength with and must find it. 

​     My problem is (or has been) that our bodies mature faster than our intellect. Going back to my starting point, by the time I got the awkward speech from my step dad about how I shouldn't do it (and truth be told it was so vague and unclear since he really didn't want to be the one to tell me such things) I was already heavily addicted .and thought that I was some sort of pervert since I could not find away to stop it. So often I would beg HaShem to forgive me, promise that this time I would stop for good only to find myself back into it days later.

       Thank G-d I am in a much better place many many years later. Being married helps a lot (although I once thought it would be the cure to get me to stop for good) It's no coincidence that the past 2 years where I have really cut back on porn that my urge to indulge has been held in check. Yet , like all addictions you are always one slip up away due to  moment of carelessness or weakness. I feel hypocritical asking HaShem to forgive me when I don't have the confidence in myself that I will always be able to abstain
. And logically I know it's not about being perfect it's about the efforts of trying your best....yet emotionally i'm not on the same page.  
      

I know exactly what you mean. I've had it in regard to a certain addiction where I'd do it even when I literally had no desire for it but since I knew that I will enjoy it in the end I did it anyway. Sorta like when we eat when we aren't hungry. I believe it comes from being so addicted to something wrong that we completely lose every ounce of sensitivity and literally view (or feel) it as innocently as drinking a glass of water. 
The only way to regain a proper perspective is to stop for a period of time. I know you say you have no willpower whatsoever and seem ok with the addiction but the fact that you are reaching out in a forum must indicate to you that you really do care. You are afraid to stop because you are viewing how you are going to feel in 2 weeks with the way you feel now about stopping for 2 weeks but that isn't true. As soon as you stop as every day goes by with more battles won your perspective will change with renewed sensitivity and a beautiful appreciation for a cleaner lifestyle. Yes it takes willpower which you feel you don't have so say to yourself I will stop for one day, seriously I'm sure you are man enough for one day (sorry to sound ostentatious) and then reevaluate. Hopefully and probably you will feel differently about a long term commitment as time goes by and will view every tomorrow with an outlook fueled by a successful yesterday. 

A few days ago I started a topic in the balei batims forum about how I'm addicted to regular movies. How it takes up way too much time like sometimes till 5am. How I adore them in an almost worshipful manner. How it takes up too much of me.
 Well I've just had a rude awakening. You see what I've also struggled with only a few times in the past was exploring regular Hollywood movies that had inappropriate content like nudity...nothing to graphic but enough to get aroused. I have only done this a few times. It only happened on rare occasions and I always got it in check with tricks or a knas etc. I completely got passed it and stopped and haven't done it in like 2 months. And during those months I grew immensely in shmiras einayim in all aspects. I was convinced that I was safe. So the only problem was just my addiction to movies.
 Lo and behold out of the blue last night I fell so completely unexpectedly. This led me to view a few inappropriate pictures too. Nothing crazy just something I thought I conquered. Oh well now I really gotta kick my movie habit if it leads to this. I am resetting my 90 day count and will iyh try to stop movies all together. Still gonna watch clean comedy with wife but no more movies by myself unsupervised and at all hours. So my 90 day count will be in regard to movies, viewing inappropriate material and HZ"L (not really a problem but another geder wont hurt). I'm posting here to hold myself accountable. 

Hi there I'm new here and I'm very happy that a community like this exists. After being 2 years clean from my 7 year long marijuana addiction I feel confident I can apply the things I've learnt toward this one. I'm aware that the beginning is the hardest from personal experience and have some understanding of how addiction hijacks your perception of reality and logical thought process. Admittance (Awareness/Acknowledgement) is the first and perhaps the biggest step. Hatzlacha to everyone! Here's a link to my 90 day thread;
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/352442-Real-Joy

I've recently passed my 2 year clean mark on my 7 year marijuana addiction. I've learned that the best way to beat addiction is to view it that the sober life will benefit you more (understanding the reason behind the mitzvah and it's opposing aveirah), as opposed to the "resisting temptation" method. It is clear to me that the most immediate benefit of going clean from masturbation is a feeling of real joy and sensitivity to the spiritual side of life. My depression has dropped a lot within just one week. This midah is the Yesod and without it everything else is just a house of cards. This week's parshah (פנחס) seems like the perfect time to get involved (anytime is obviously, but now, shovavim and Elul I guess you can call auspicious). May we all be zochech to shmirah from shamyim and the speedy geulah IN OUR DAYS and distance ourselves from the practices of the kingdoms of Edom (a̶m̶a̶l̶e̶k̶). Yaakov (עם ישראל) must win the INTERNAL war against Esav.

Today marks the 9th day of shemiras habris.  

A few months ago, I had read an interesting book called, Addiction, Procrastination and Laziness: A Proactive Guide to the Psychology of Motivation by Roman Gelperin.  In the book, he mentions that our brains are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid displeasure.  There is, what he calls, the "pleasure unconscious".  When the brain is not satisfied with the level of pleasure, it will bring something into your mind designed to increase pleasure.  It could be a pleasurable memory or a song, (which often elicits a memory), it could also be a suggestion to do something more pleasurable like eating or the suggestion to "act out".

I am working to be more aware of what my brain is doing to try to get pleasure.  Today when I was at work, my brain brought to mind an old familiar song that is heavily associated with the "gay lifestyle", as I was thoroughly committed to it for 14 years of my life, and lived in it for an additional 5 years.  I have many pleasurable memories associated with it.  I acknowledge that fact, and when my brain brings up an old pleasurable memory, I am working on being able to recognize my brain at work, and allow the memory to move on as best as I can, rather than get caught up in memory which can bring about a sense of sentimentality and nostalgia.  
Today there were a few moments of a "twinge": I saw men that I was attracted to, but instead of assenting to it, I recognized that my behavior and my considerations were learned behavior as my brain sought out pleasure.  Over time those learned behaviors became more detailed as I learned more about the gay life and I indulged in certain behaviors. 
The other thing I am trying to do when I see a temptation of that sort is to analyze why I am attracted to that person.  Am I comparing myself to him?  Do I think he is more masculine?  Am I feeling inadequate?  Then I try to picture myself as I am, but whining about these feelings to the other person. "I need you to protect me!"  "You're more masculine than I am!", etc...It seems to help. 

I think you're right, perhaps when you're so into it, the other side may feel like a distant thing. You may not see the real benefit, but I say it's because you're so deep in the mud that everything feels blurry. That's why I suggest you try to stop regardless of reason and WHEN you're clean for some time, perhaps a few days even, you'll be able to judge much better. Perhaps much like someone addicted to cigarettes, while addicted can't see the real benefit of quitting, but once he quit he doesn't want to go back.
If you're an addict I highly recommend listening to Dov's shiurim "12 steps workshop" on the very bottom of the page "audio shiurim" as a starting point.
If you're not, then use all the tools available, filters, webchaver, 90 days, forums, daily chizuk, phone chat, etc.
Just know that everyone's in the same boat and it's perfectly possible to stay sober indefinetely and live a happy life, even if you're an addict.
I would guess you could feel somewhat desperate: How am I going to live without it? Just know that it feels even better to live without it and the more you think you need it, the more you really do. The less you think you need it, the less you actually need it.

Over the last few years iv'e visited a few times and managed a couple of runs about a month long. i havent visited in nearly a year, and sadly to say i fell nearly every single day.
So why am i back?
because i just had a realization that scares me. i realised that it doesn't really bother me the fact that im addicted to p..., its become a way of life that i chalila have accepted, im not looking to grow anymore. which also causes other parts of yiddishkeit to fall.
so the Q is WHAT NOW how do i get that pintele back on fire?
please help!!! 

First, try to get off the "guilt - teshuve" cycle, it's mamash a roadblock.
G-d doesn't hate you for falling, he pities you. He doesn't want teshuva right now. He wants you to be clean for yourself, like a loving Tate wants his kid to live a happy and fulfilling life. Teshuva can and will come later.
So try to embrace that, that you will have a much better life while clean.
To achieve that, it's worthwhile taking a look at why have you failed so far. Is it an unfiltered phone? Loneliness? Triggers? Are you an addict? (there is a nafka mina if you are). Try to make a plan, and don't worry about getting it right the first time. It's common to start the journey and have some falls in the way. Just brush off depression and get practical. Keep coming everyday here too, helps you keep motivated.
Hatzloche!

First of all, congratulations for coming here, I'm sure you will receive much needed help.
You said you were going to SA meetings and it was working. What went wrong and why did you stop? You said you were clean for 80 days and fell. Isn't it much better than falling everyday? Once every 80 days? That's gevaldig. Stop striving for perfection. Try being sober one day at a time and if you fell, you fell, pick yourself up and keep trucking. Of course review your plan and what not, but just keep moving. Rabbi Jacobson has a very good metaphor. If you get a flat tire, what do you do? Do you then poke all your tires so they're all flat? Lol of course not, you change the bad one and keep going.
From what I've heard and seen, filters are great and all the precautions are a must. But you can't just hope to never come across an unfiltered device or an immodestly dressed woman, or an ad or whatever. It could be your wife's phone but it could be a friend's, work, etc. There has to be internal change, and I think 12 steps is the best treatment for addiction. That being said perhaps you should talk to your wife about her phone being filtered, since you said she is supportive. Also you said you managed to bypass your filters. How about a kosher phone for you? Every fence helps, no doubt about it.
Finally you seem to have unresolved childhood issues. Have you spoken to a therapist? More often than not addiction has a cause. Therapy can help you heal your wounds and diminish your urges.
Wishing you all the best.

Hi to all the warriors out there! This is not my first time on GYE, but I have never written on the forum, so I am curious to see what it's like and to reach out for some much needed guidance and help. 

My story could fill a thousand-page book (as I'm sure all of ours can), so I will be m'katzer. 

My problems with sex/masturbation started at age four. Yes, you heard that right, and yes, that is possible. My position in the family as well as a sensitive nature created some natural stress - terribly bullying throughout my childhood years didn't help. By the time I got to high-school I was completely hooked on porn and acting out - sometimes ten plus times a day on whatever device I could get my hands on. This took place during the week as well as on Shabbos. In later high-school years (despite coming from a frum family and having attended a frum school), I was able to act out some of these fantasies with both boys and girl. Constant bickering with an overbearing dad only added to the stress. 

Throughout high-school I had tried to stop - I was always ashamed of these behaviors. But post-high school the battle began in earnest, and I couldn't go more than a month. I deal well with failure and was always able to push past the self-loathing and shame to get back up and start again. I was (and am) always convinced that THIS TIME will be IT! How many tablets I destroyed, phones I cracked, strategies I made over the years... it's incalculable. This struggle consumes me. 

After marriage I stopped for a while but then continued again. The realization that marriage wasn't going to save me destroyed me and the added necessity of hiding etc made it so much worse. At one point I tried to enter the SA program and stopped for 80 days. I eventually fell and literally wanted to kill myself I was so upset. I fell back into it until finally I had no choice and spoke to my wife about what I was going through. She was shocked and hurt and I really thought my marriage was over. I cried for two days straight. But my wife is amazing and she was supportive of me getting back up, this time with her help. I installed covenant eyes and she sees everything. That worked for a long period of time, a few months and I finally felt like I broke free. Then, last year tisha b'av I discovered a way to get around my phone filter and that was it. I was beyond shattered and went into a downward spiral. It has been a year since then and I haven't gone two weeks without the stuff in some form or another. My wife has caught me twice more. The first time I was ambivalent and told her that I really didn't feel that it was my fault. This is how Hashem created me, it has been a life-long struggle, I am trying my best, I can't be blamed for liking that which I am programmed to like, she will never understand etc. (even though I know deep down that that's all garbage.)

The second time (two weeks ago), I was back to crying in despair. And now (yesterday and today) I have fallen yet again. I subconsciously hold it a bit against her because her body is no longer the same as it was when we got married (as if that helped then), that her periods are very frequent (as if when we are together it is any better) and because she doesn't filer her phone and make sure there is no way I can get access (she is just naiive and doesn't think the way I do.) Our relationship was always very close, but this has definitely driven some wedges between us, even though she is trying to be as supportive as she could.  

Oh, and also on the outside no one would ever guess. On the outside I am the guy on fire with avodas Hashem and Torah - the exact opposite of all the stuff,  (sincerely) trying to spread torah. 

I am at the end. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried it all. Bottom line, I'll be honest - I just love sex! It is the only thing that ever made me feel alive. I know it is sheker etc. but I feel that I simply cannot live without this crutch. Sometimes I wonder whether all this pain is simply caused by our particular belief system which many non-Jews simply don't have and this isn't an issue (certainly not an issue to get divorced over etc.) But I am desperate to stop. I want to live a porn free life. I have battled with this my whole life. But I am at a complete loss as to how to accomplish this goal. I can't continue to live this way. I can't face my wife after another fall. I can't carry on living a double life. It is killing me. It has been killing me for years.

I go through different mindset cycles - sometimes I think I am the only crazy one, nobody has it as bad as me. Other times I think that if I have this problem, then EVERYONE can (and probably does) - rabbonim, roshei yeshiva, and mekubalim alike. Because of the nature of our community (which i understand), no one can ever talk about these issues (although, for some reason, the stigma on drug addiction seems to be lifting.) So it could be that EVERYONE is struggling and just assumes they are the only one. I guess we will never know. But if there's anyone out there who knows this feeling and can help, I am drowning. I have tried everything, I am at the end. 

Help! Please help!

Hey @ihavestrength,
It sounds like you sometimes experience some negative thoughts, whether about your own performance in this fight or about how Hashem views you. In my experience, overcoming this makes it much easier to have sustained success.

Can you relate to any of the following? (This is a clip of ideas from The Battle of the Generation, a book that deals with this and also has many great strategies and shifts in perspective that help us fight this battle much better and easier. It can be downloaded here: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.)

    “I am a failure. The sin I just did makes me worthless. I am off the derech, exactly like those who have rejected everything. I am just as bad. I am a sinner.
    “I should have controlled myself. I could have done better. If I had just pushed myself harder, I would have won the battle. It would have been so simple for me to control myself had I tried harder, but I blew it again! I should have much more control over myself.
    “I am so ashamed. I’m embarrassed to even go near anybody. Anyone who would know what I did would look down on me. Nobody would empathize with me about my struggles, not that there is much to empathize with anyway. Everybody does much better than me. I am probably the only person who does these things. No one else sins in this area, and I give in left and right. I am messed up.
    “All the good I ever did is meaningless because I did this huge sin. I am horrible. How hard I fought and my effort to change myself is irrelevant; my sin is all that matters.
“Even though I labored and managed to control myself for the past two days, two weeks, or two months, that is worthless. I am the same out of control person I always was. All my effort was a waste; I’m just as horrible as I was before.
“Besides, any good I did doesn’t count because I was obligated to do it anyway. All that matters is falling short — which I just did when I violated my obligations.
    “I bet Hashem is furious with me. He hates me and has rejected me. It is hopeless! He will always look down on me. Even if I do teshuva, Hashem won’t accept it. It’s impossible to undo something this severe. I did it; how can I get rid of it?
    “Further, what happened is all my fault. I brought everything upon myself when I befriended those people and experimented with these sins. Had I controlled myself then, things would be so easy. If I didn’t watch those movies and hang out with those friends, I would still be pure. I activated my desires. 
    “And now that I have awakened my temptations, it is too late. I can’t stop myself. I am incapable, as I just proved. I do these things. I am an addict and I will never regain control, no matter what I do. I can’t even improve the situation. I’m doomed.”

One of the main underlying concepts of the 12 step program is that addiction is a preexisting condition. The acting out is just a symptom of underlying spiritual defects. The goal is to identify the  underlying defects and work to fix them up so the addiction will get under control. 

BH another clean day. 6 weeks clean! Woho!
The next tool is the GYE handbook(Tool #15) is the 12 step anonymous phone conference 
This is a long tool so I don't know if I'll cover everything but Ill try to get the basic idea across. The tool is meant for someone who is struggling on a higher level(as we go higher in the tools they are for more intense struggles). The idea of 12 steps came from a group of people that tired everything to stop their addiction to alcohol until they came to this idea, and bam it worked. So this accomplished what many many other methods couldn't. Since then basically every addiction has a "12 steps program". Its most effective when worked on with a group and a sponsor. 
Here is a summary of the 12 steps qouted from the GYE HB


GYE provides many anonymous 12 step phone conferences where we can work with other yidden and experienced sponsors to break free from porn. Rabbi A Twerski recommends people try the phone conferences before going to a live in person one.
In my opinion, from the summary, it sounds like some heavy mussar behispalios and cheshbon hanefesh. 
To be continued...

I speak for myself as an addict, I think we will always have these "close call" moments where mamash Hashem saves us from ourselves. I think if we are doing everything in our power to stop this Hashem "fills in the blanks" for us.
Of course we must always up our defenses, but I think there's always that what you mentioned. For me it has been really helping doing exactly what you mentioned, davening to Hashem that I should have a clean day. 
Congratulations on your progress! Please keep inspiring us!!