this is some powerful stuff. i'm going to try and work on perfectionism a lot more. this is really big for me too. not sure why this seems to be a common theme amoungst many of us...

Confidence wrote on 30 Nov 2011 15:46:

Try not to do it... um.... perfectly.  That's the problem.  When we "work on it" we try to be perfectly imperfect .  It's just a mess.  Just work on accepting yourself with all your limitations and imperfections.  Hashem does. .

Several quick thoughts on Parshas Vayetzei:  The possuk says that the Malachim were עלים וירדים בו.  Rashi points out that first they were going up and then going down.  I think Rashi is giving a mesage of chizzuk.  In order to fall one must go up first.  So if you do fall know that there must have been an aliyah first.  Rather than focus on the fall, focus on the fact that you had an aliyah.

Another thing.  Both עלים and וירדים are spelled choser without a vav.  This is for those who strive for perfection.  First, even the molochim don't have perfect aliyahs, so don't kick yourself when your aliyah is not perfect either.  And if you do fall, know too that there is no such thing as a perfect fall.  There is often some redeeming factor that can be found and while it may be unfortunate that there was a fall, there is something to take out of it to help you grow, so that even the downs in life are a means to go up.

The possuk says כי, לא אעזבך, עד אשר אם-עשיתי, את אשר-דברתי לך Rashi on the words לך  says that means על since this was the first time that Hashem had spoken with Yaakov.  If you think about this, Yaakov was 77 years old at the time, he spent the last 14 years learning day and night without sleep and yet this is the first time Hashem is speaking to him.  We often think that oh we've been clean for x amount of time (like three days or even three years), and things are still looking glum, my life hasn't turned around, does Hashem love me?  How much does he want from me?  If we would expect Hashem to show his presence to anyone it would be Yaakov, yet the RBSO did not appear to him right away.  But know that even if you don't see "Hashem" in your daily lives, Hashem says "אנכי עמך."

Thanks for that UAJ!!

Yes, great thoughts.  I need to hear them!

Somebody shared the following with me, and it gave me a tremendous insight into our own relationship with Hashem.  A child was speaking to a therapist for issues relating to the child's self-centeredness and chutzpah.  During one session, the parents commented how after they had discussed some recents incidents with their child as to how the situation could be handled differently, the child refused to hear that they had done anything wrong.  In the child's mind which they expressed as much, her parents were controlling and dysfunctional. 

At the next session, the therapist walked the child through one incident showing how the child had failed to live up to a condition that child had agreed upon and proposed in the therapists own office.
The therapist then turned to the child and said there is a more fundamental problem, however, which calls into question all of the work we have been doing these past few weeks, which is the fact that you could feel, let alone that you have a right to express to your parents and tell them that they are controlling and dysfunctional.  Now no doubt you are wondering here I'm forced to go to therapy because I'm controlling and I am being told how I have to deal with these issues because otherwise I won't be able to have good relationships later in life yet my parents do the same things, they are just as self-centered as I am. It's not fair.  This got the child really animated since that was exactly the child's teenaged worldview. 

The therapist then turned to the child and said what do you need your parents for? At first the child just blurted out an "everything" then she said certainly her physical needs. The therapist told her it would be a good thing to figure out what else she needs her parents for.  But then the therapist told the child what do you parents need you for. In reality they don't need you. Sure its nice to have you around but they don't need you and that fact is critical. You need them for everything or nearly everything they don't really need you for anything. Which means that you don't have the right to treat them like your equal. And until you recognize as much no amount of therapy will help since you will always believe that you can treat them and are entitled to complain about their purported dysfunctionality and controlling nature.

I heard this story and realized that this is critical with our relationship with Hashem. We need Hashem for everything we have. Our entire existence is dependant on Him. Hashem needs us for nothing.  The result of this dynamic is that we are not in any respects on equal footing with Hashem.  We therefore have no right to complain about the situation that Hashem may have put us in. (I use "may" because usually it is our own actions which produce the consequences that we have to deal with).  Until a person comes to this recognition, further working on himself will be pretty much impossible, because he will always look at the situation as unfair, and that he has some say into how the situation should really be.  But, the fact is that we don't.  Hashem decides how our lives should be, what we should and should not get.  With this perspective it gave me new meaning about why kibud a'vam is so important and why it's counted in the first five of the aseres hadibros.  Because it really does effect and is a stepping stone to our relationship with Hashem.

Thank you Hashem for this amazing lesson.  And for giving me a father and a mother to teach me how to properly interact with You.

UAJ, i printed out the beautiful divrei torah on the parsha you wrote and i accidentally purposely left it lying on the couch after i read it..

the piece about learning from the parent child relationship is gevaldig
thank you for sharing those

ur-a-jew wrote on 05 Dec 2011 17:28:


It would be a pity to allow this to remain just a really nice "D'var Torah". We are all chachomin, all nevonim. We spent years in Yeshuvah, most of us. But you are pointing in a new direction, one that is not natural for many of us - and that makes it so precious!

UAJ dropped a diamond here. But one cannot eat a diamond. One will starve to death locked in a room filled with diamonds. It can't feed us a single calorie until we cash it in.

I can only cash it in by writing down and talking over with another person exacty what I really need Hashem for. Not what "people" need Him for, or what you need Him for, or what the Torah says I should need Him for. The only thing that really means anything to me is what I need Him for.

And the important point is not "my this part, that person, and my those objects that I need Him to give me, but the inner things, the joys, the value, meaning and satisfactions I get from experiencing this part, that person, and those objects. 

Thanks UAJ. I have a wastebasket full of nice vorts, so I will not relegate what your message to that pile. 

dov wrote on 05 Dec 2011 20:25:


When this was all playing out and I realized the enormity of what I was hearing, I said to myself this is so so huge, that if I take it to heart I should be conducting my life in a completely different manner.  Needless, to say, I still came late to seder this morning.  I therefore agree that there is a long way between hearing the truth and knowing it.
Kind of reminds me of a conversation that I had with a friend of ours recently.  He was telling me that he had spoken to daas torah that he holds of regarding his "problem" who told him to say uz yoshir with  more kavanah.  I asked him so nu, did you say it with more kavanah, did you look up the meforshim on uz yoshir and try to get a complete understating of uz yoshir, after all if this is the key to getting better.  I didn't receive an affirmative answer.  And the reason I believe is that whether or not saying uz yoshir can work is really irrelevant.  It's what steps we take to bring what we are hearing into action.
But as usual you hit it on the nose:  "it is totally useless....unless we think it over and understand it."  Rather than quitting my job and attempting to spend my day in learning, I would go much further, if every day I took two minutes to remind myself of the observation that I had made and brought it home to me, think about it and apply it to how I should conduct myself differently today because of it.  If I were to do that, I can probably stay sober through mussar, the 12 steps or even uz yoshir.

If there is any way that what I wrote could sound like criticism, then I must change it. So I will. I like what you wrote very much, as well as how you wrote it. So woops! Edit time...

dov wrote on 05 Dec 2011 22:40:


Well i've changed what I've wrote in light of your edits but I'm keeping this line which you omitted:  "It is totally useless....unless we think it over and understand it" because this in my view is the difference between learning mussar that has the potential to change a person's life and learning mussar that will make no difference when you wake up the next morning.  Taking an idea and reviewing it again and again until it becomes a part of you (mussar bihispaelos).  Halevai I should be zoche one day to do that.  Thanks for the reminder Dov.

Some thoughts on Parshas Vayeshev

The difference between kedusha (holiness) and kedaysha (a zonah) is the letter "vuv" a straight line.  I'm sure one can say many explanations as to the significance but it seems to me that it's all about knowing where the line should properly be drawn.

Yosef was omed a tremendous nisayon. I would tell myself after something like that, I'm really good, the RBSO really should acknowledge me by making things really good for me now. I mean I could understand why until now I had money problems, marriages issues and the like but now look what I did for You RBSO. And what happens to Yosef he gets thrown into a dungeon for 12 years. Is it fair?  How can Hashem do that?  But the whole question and attitude is based on a false premise. That we are actually doing something for Hashem. That He needs us. The reality is that our existence every second of our lives is a chesed from the RBSO which we will never ever be able to repay Him for. The least we can do is be makir tov to Him by performing his mitzvos and being omed bnisayon. If we do that we are not deserving because of it. It's our obligation.  And certainly the RBSO doesn't owe us for it.

beautiful! thank you UAJ

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 19 Dec 2011 22:45:


الترحيب منكم

ur-a-syrian-hacker?