Hey,

I plan to move on and start again...




I meant that there is nothing more I can do to be more of a maamin. I really tried to convince myself that I truly believe but I've always been kididng myself (I was never convinced deep down and it seems like I never will be). One cannot change the way s/he feels about these things. However, I do realize that I'm not in a position to just drop everything (I have responsibilities to my family). I therefore have to make the best of it. It is just that working on something like P&M requires lots of dedication and it is more difficult without emunnah. I'm not giving myself excuses, it is just the way it is.




Truth is I was fooling myself when I wrote it... I say these things because I'm really trying to believe and hope that I eventually will if I hammer it in.  BTW, davening is a huge struggle for me (almost as bad as P&M) for this reason (and it is getting worse with Elul as devening drags now) ;-).




I really hope you are right...


Anyway, I better get going... Day 1.

every yid believes, don't worry about it, don't argue with your mind
learn chovos halvovos A LOT it can pave you a path for life
just know one thing
אין עוד מלבדו

it can help to read a book of twerski called "I AM I"

I "understand" how you feel, but let me ask if I "understand" correctly: Did Guard or someone else say, Twerski perhaps, that doing Teshuvah is actually not enough to "overcome" lust? Saying somehow that the frum way of life doesn't really help in this case.

I read some books by Friedrich Weinreb. He was born into a liberal family, but in his youth he decided to go to shul, to daven, to be frum, even though he writes, that the frum are like the "liberal". They too are short sighted, arrogant even hard, not paying any attention to the real questions of life, the real feelings of people. (this author was recomended by my parents to me, it has been a great influence on my mother. If you speak german, here a link www.weinreb-stiftung.org/radiosendungen.php, or check the book Roots of the Bibel - he concentrates a lot on Gematria and the hebrew meanings)

Forgive me if I go too far. But that is what he wrote.

Ok, but still he still wanted to be frum, because he felt, that still it brought Him closer to Hashem. A bit closer it was.

I always deeply respected and admired the frum, wanting to become frum myself, believing that if I were frum all the lust will go away. Did I have a feeling, that you guys have it easy? But what happened to me? (another story that is...)

I was just talking the other day with a friend, telling him that I feel like I didn't move one iota further than when I was a small boy. I didn't make any spiritual progress. He countered that if we win this, perhaps we will move higher. He was right, because of that conversation we smiled at each other - that was the first time, that I smiled to those feelings.
It reminds me of darkness, when it gets so dark in the night, one does not expect any light in the morning, it is a wonder to see it again in the morning. But didn't we see it yesterday, why do we even need to see it today. I have been watching daylight for over 30 years now, why do I need to see it again?

Nothing like a smile in the morning.

Installed keep on trucking. I think you can make a lot of mitzvahs, talk to Hashem, smile, overcome even if you are frum

All the best to You Installed, I hope that this brought a smile on your face.

installed wrote on 05 Sep 2011 15:42:


No you were not fooling yourself. At that moment you actually DID believe it. The holy Neshoma inside you wants to believe, it's the YH that keeps on shmearing shmutz in your eyes so you have a hard time seeing it.
Keep davening with Kavona, you will see that every now and then there will be a moment, maybe even just a second, that you truly feel the connection to Hashem. I heard once from an Odom Gadol (I forget who, it was a while back) that all out tefillos that we don't have so much kavona by are worth it for that one moment of pure sincerity. Treasure that feeling when it comes, and try to recapture it next time. It will sink in eventually. Keep hammering away, to coin an expression, it's as tough as nails

KVT & KOT!!!

Gevura!

Reb Installed

I just wanted to say thank you. I reread my previous posts and your name kept popping up and a lot of your kind or strong words. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you. They keep me sober today.

It's been a while...

Things have not been so good lately. Fell right back to my old habits. I read through some of the posts on GYE and read that someone was clean for over 100 days and it gave me chizuck that I can do it too (with hashams help).

Welcome back!

It's never too late to get back in the truck! And it will be easier this time because you've done it before.

Gevura!

just one small reminder, there can be some mud on the tyres from the previous rough ride, just ignore that, it will all shake off as you speed on

how are you doing installed?

I'm fine thank you. How are you?
I plan to go to a live SA meeting in the near future. Just don't have the courage to do it today...

hatzlacha. but remember.
today is yesterday's tomorrow 

Ummm.

Today is tomorrow's yesterday no?

installed wrote on 01 Feb 2012 20:49:

Insanity: saying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

TehillimZugger wrote on 02 Feb 2012 09:29:

I think we all qualify for that.  We tried the same thing for years and years and expected different results! :-[

That is exactly my point. We must change something (try different tactics / approaches etc>) or else we are just insane. I told myself 100s of times, this is my last time... a filter will help... phone calls will help... davening will help... musar will help... non of it did. If I believe that what failed in the past will work in the future, I'm just kidding myself. Something drastic has to change. The idea is so simple but it took a genius to point it out.