Wow, can't believe it but it has been over a year since I've joined the site. Learned a lot about myself, tried and failed many times, meet some great guys (virtually), joined two 12 step programs, tried TAPHSIC and failed, um... that basically sums it up.

I'm currently reading The Light of Ephraim and I'm learnign a lot about this struggle (highly recommended).

On a 8 day clean streak :-\.

Hope you are all doing well!

Surfed some p right now  :-[, I knew that I wouldn't fall and I didn't but these slips are as bad  or even worse than a fall (in terms of kedusha). Anyway, I formatted my comp and it's open so I better get it tracked again.

I'm 10 days clean (easy to count as I'm clean since the 1st).

No real triggers yesterday  8). I spent several hours installing my spy program. I hate the fact that it takes so long to install and configure but I guess it is a good investment as I'll waste less time and it will protect me from myself. I love the fact that I'm "clean" since the first as my clean streak is right in front of me whenever I see the date. 

Day 13. I had some triggers this shabbos (books) and I fell for them but I'm still okay. I know that it won't work if I continue this way and will try to keep away from triggering myself with H help. I also read a book call The 9 Questions People Ask About Judaism and it was interesting, I was able to connect a lot of the content to my GYE struggle...

its an issur the surf p***, even if it wont do anything, ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם
so lets keep away from looking at all, this is our duty on cmmand, only for todatommorow will be a seperate battle
hashem is on our side

When we start slipping, we are in danger of falling, we may fall immidiately and some times we extend the slip for 2-3 weeks till we get the real fall. However, we have a good survival chance too. Its a dangreous time now, Keep on tracking, you need to guard yourself even more now.

Day 15. Last two days were a breeze. I was extremely busy and didn't have much time to think about this struggle. I guess hashem "knew" that I wouldn't be strong enough and spared me from a strong nisayon (I don't think this jives with the 12 steps because we are powerless over this but isn't this what we are supposed to believe?) .

Shteighecher, you definitely have a point and I know it first hand. It is a buildup and even if I don't fall , it makes it more difficult later on. I'll keep it in mind, thanks. 

JIS, you are 100% right but unfortunately knowing that it is an issur hasn't stopped me from doing it in the past. I therefore try to think in practical terms (not related to frunkeit) why I shouldn't be looking (Mitoch Shelo Lishma Ba Lishma). Putting frumkeit aside, porn is the problem not masturbation but since we are frum both are a problem and we need to work on both.

Slipped again  :o. I didn't fall but had a bad slip.

Installed I agreee with what you wrote above. Simply knowing and even reminding urself repeatedly that there is an issur of looking @ p* does not help an addct stay away from it. Addiction requitrs that we address the underlying issues fueling it.

For me it is avoidance (a temporary relief from the things I need to be doing) and a natural desire to see/do it.

Day 21... Friday and Shabbos were a breeze. H' must be answering my V’al ti’vi’einu, lidey nisayon prayer.

I also find friday and shabbos easier. Less time to spend in front of the comp.

I fell last night after many hours of battling with this. Problem is that I expected to feel bad but I didn't. I did a lot of thinking the past 24h and I finally am willing to admit to myself that I really don't believe. I always had emunah problems but always tried to convince myself that I really do believe. I feel extremely trapped because I'm expected to lead a frum lifestyle but don't believe in it. I know that there is nothing anyone can do about it (including myself) and that I'll have to live with it. It is just that I feel so trapped! 

Why do you say that there is nothing that you can do about it?

installed wrote on 24 Aug 2011 22:55:


I went through similar times, when I was so deep in the shmutz that I sort of felt that if He's really there he would not be letting me get away with it, so the fact that I do it shows that it's OK so I did it more.

The only thing I can say is that Davening helps. You wrote yourself that you see that Hashem answered your prayers.

I started getting more serious about my davening a couple of years ago for various reasons. Since then, and especially in the period right before and during Pesach of this year, Hashem orchestrated a series of events that shook me up and awakened me to change. A lot of it had to do with davening. As I look back and reflect on what happened during those times, and the exact timing and order in which the events took place, I cannot help but be FORCED to believe that it was all from Hashem, and that my tefillos were the catalyst that brought it about.

So daven hard, try to feel it and think about it. Daven that you should be able to feel it, cry because you can't cry. Hashem is always there to listen, even if we don't notice it right away.

Gevura!

People think that not beleiving leads to doing aveiros.  It is just the opposite, doing aveiros leads to not beleiving.