Ditto to cordnoy!

Welcome (back)!!!!!

We may be some different avatars, but we're the same struggles!!!

KOMT!! KOP(osting)!!!!!!!

Hi Joel,
welcome back!
it's a pleasure to hear from you

So of the three things I said I was going to do I did one. I talked to my Rav, who knows everything, about the pressures I'm feeling about frumkeit. He was very helpful.

I haven't gotten filters. flirting with denial again. ok, I commit, bli neder, to making the contacts and getting the ball rolling by Monday. Wrote a big note to myself.

The usual summer shmiras eynayim. This summer, when I look away, I get to have a little conversation with "H. "Oy, that was hard. I do it because I love You, now, not because it's a mitzvah or "The rules". Sometimes it's tearrrring my eyes away. but I tear them away. And when I don't, it's a fall. maybe not like p&m, but it feels like I disappointed Him, disappointed His emunah in me. I now want to be "good". It's not enough to be clean and sober. Ya gotta WANT to be clean and sober, right down to the atzmus. And then it's back in the saddle. that's the usual summer with a little more closeness this year. It's all progress. He's progressing me.

These last two falls brought me up short and was a good thing. When I got arrested and bottomed out, some brother wrote me and said that in his life these kinds of terrible happenings turned out to be the best things that ever happened to him. That turned out to be an absolute truth. So when I had the two big falls, and all the little ones during the day, I remember what that precious man told me, and I remember how my getting arrested indeed turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I came back to Hashem, as a little boy, the little boy who used to talk with Him all day long, all the way until the violence started in my house. Then I parted company. Fifty some years later I'm sitting in jail for a couple nights and I make my t'shuvah. It's so easy to do in a crisis. And then when He keeps His part of the bargain it's "Adios Amigo. What have you done for me lately?" But with His help I've stuck to my part of the bargain too. So we're back together again. That was the major bottoming out fall of falls. Then came all the early days at GYE and the love and support and having my wings gently clipped. And then a long stretch of not even thinking about porn. The compulsion just wasn't there. I kept up shmiras eynayim pretty routinely. No big deal. No big struggle. But what I forgot was that that phenomenal urge is wired in. Don't ask me why or how it's wired in, because I could actually give you an intelligent answer that would be correct, but utterly wrong. It's wired in because it's wired in. That's not my business. I was given that little plot of ground to till, my very own little Gan Eden, my very own little addiction, my very own set of wires. When I went through the dry spell, I just figured it was gone forever. The wiring disappeared. So what turned out (so far) to be so wonderful about those recent falls is that when I stand in front of Him, or when we're just having a little talk, I'm not so grown up any more. I'm little again, with Him. And that's not some kind of mental image or fantasy I have to work at keeping up. It just me. At least for this last little while. this is a wonderful thing because I very clearly remember being with Hashem like this when I actually was little. so it's like coming home, at last, again, for lo these many times.

What a G-d. Every detail turns out for the good. Gam zoo l'tovah is, and absolutely should be, a cliche. That's cuz it's real.

Filters and the handbook.

Goodnight chevrah, thanks for "listening" to my ramble
Joel

1daat wrote:


Wow what a powerful statement! Thanks!

Hatzlacha

MT

Wow Joel! That was truly an inspiring piece of writing!
THANK YOU!
I would like to make just one small [yet very big on the importance scale] Correction to something you wrote:

1daat wrote:



Hashem Does not ask What have you done for me lately?
at least not in the literal sounding sense of the meaning of these words.

The passuk states (Iyov35:6-7):
>אִם צָדַקְתָּ מַה תִּתֶּן לוֹ אוֹ מַה מִיָּדְךָ יִקָּח
If you are righteous, what do you give Him? Or what does He take from your hand?
אִם חָטָאתָ מַה תִּפְעָל בּוֹ וְרַבּוּ פְשָׁעֶיךָ מַה תַּעֲשֶׂה לּוֹ
If you sinned, what do you do to Him, and if your transgressions are many, what do you do to Him?

This tells us that Our righteous deeds are not something which we do for Hashem, and our sins or negative actions are not doing anything to Hashem.

The Midrash (Beraishes Raba 44, vayikra raba and tanchuma P'Shmini), asks the obvious question based on this passuk:
"If Hashem truly gains nothing from our doing good deeds, and "loses" nothing from our transgressions, and all the mitzvos and aveiros were given only "For our sake" then why does He care what we do??, what difference is it to Him whether we ritually slaughter an animal before eating it, or if we simply kill it? What difference is it to him if we eat kosher or non kosher food, [and the same with all the mitzvos]."
The Answer to this question, as explained by The Great kabalist, the holy Ari is, that the reason why Hashem created the world was, since "טבע הטוב להיטיב" "it is the nature of the good to do good [to others]", and since Hashem is the ultimate and perfect semblance of Good, Everything He does is for the purpose of doing good, He therefore created the world as a medium through which He can do good.
And what is the good which Hashem does for us, for which the world was created?
That good is in our being able to reach the ultimate closeness to Hashem in Olam Habba, The world to come, (the "afterworld). But one cannot reach that ultimate goodness without doing good deeds and refraining from sin on this world. (see Mesilat Yesharim, Ch.1), Therefore Hashem has created this world with everything in it to be used as a medium,of reaching the ultimate good. He Then gave us the Torah, which is our guidebook of instructions on how to reach the ultimate good. The Torah guides us in how to use this world as a means of reaching that ultimate good. Hashem has also promised us that, Along the way, our good deeds will also bring us, [not as a reward, but as an encouragement], goodness in this world too. אשריך בעולם הזה וטוב לך לעולם הבא.

It is said that when a person does good, he brings "נחת רוח" - Nachas Ruach - ["freely translated as "Pleasure/or satisfaction of spirit"] to Hashem.
What is this Pleasure/satisfaction which Hashem receives?

This is explained in the ספר אילימה, written by RaMaK (R' Moshe Kordevero, Rebbi of the Ari,(עין כל, פ"ב ופי"ח), and also in (שומר אמונים הקדמון, ויכוח ב' אות יג

Hashem does not NEED us to do anything "For Him", but but He does want us to do good FOR OURSELVES. And this is what brings Him " Nachas Ruach " - the fact that we do good, and through this bring upon ourselves true and eternal good!"

Any time a person has a nisayon, he is thereby being offered by Hashem a priceless opportunity. By choosing to resist the temptation, and to listen to the voice of the Yetzer Hatov, which guides him toward the path leading him to receive all this good, he brings a tremendous "Nachas Ruach" to Hashem, Who takes Pleasure, {STS} in our receiving goodness. and the greater the nisayon is, the greater the reward, and thus the greater the Nachas Ruach which Hashem has from it.

Hello Shevisi. Thank you for the lovely vort. I should have capitalized the Y in "What have You done for me lately because that was me talking to "H, hence capital Y. So that was confusing. What I was trying to say was that HKBH got me out of jail. And then, on my end, it became, "Thank you very much, H", You really came through for me. That was a nice one. But what have You done for me lately?" That is, "H quickly became out of sight out of mind. If I had capitalized the Y, though, then I wouldn't have gotten to read your wonderful post.


Machshovo Tova, thanks for your reply.

Kept my agreement to set up filters by Monday. Yea!

Adios amigos. Go with G-d. Up close and personal.
Joel

1daat wrote:

So you see that H is always doing stuff or you. He even made you not capitalize His name so that you could read my post!
All the best,
Keep up the gr8 work!

Lol!

Joel,

Was tryin' to do some reachin' out to some of the fellas who haven't been around as of late.
How ya' holdin' up?
We are here for you.
don't ever forget that.

b'hatzlachah

oisvorf wrote:


Hey Shmendrik, Oisvorf,

Great post, as were some of your others.
How's hibernation?
We never met, but some of your friends are still here.

b'hatzlachah

I miss that old shmendrick. And the oisvorf, too.

Those were the days when we had real self-esteem...