How are you doing my friend?

Long time.  Life has been about pain, narcotics, feeling ugly and lost and alone and not being able to really say psk d/zmra and mean any of it.  Keli Keli lohmoh azavtohni

I've been working at not isolating, but at the end of the day I have to make it through another night and morning of hellacious pain alone.  And the drugs are messing with my mind.  So I chose my mind over the pain and cut down the narcs from 6 times to 2 times a day.

Day before yesterday I had a screaming all out fight with Hashem.  I told Him how I really felt about his doing this to me, and you can forget about the cleansing me of my sins stuff.  i would not take no for an answer.  I told Him I'd done everything He said I needed to do, and that now He owed me.  No more.  Enough!  You want me too.  This isn't one way, ya know.  You get the drift.

yesterday I had a nerve block and an epidural and today I have my first totally pain free day in months.  I'm still not off my mad-on yet, but I'm softening.  Then he sent me another client, for twice a week, after I gave Him a piece of my mind about my parnassah situation.

So the end result is that my relationship with Hashem now feels more real.  I think about how mad and hurt I feel at Him, all the time.  I can't stand being petulant and pouty, but I am.  So being with Him all the time like this is more personal.  I guess we're having an adolescent son and Father "differentiation experience."

i'm still clean but I am definitely not sober.  Although I've taken zero drugs since yesterday morning.  So that's all day yesterday and today.  I skipped Psk d'zimra today and told Him I wasn't ready to make up.  I've never done anything like this at all. Must sound kind of crazy.

I'll start checking in more if this holds.

thanks for checkin up on me bb. and uaj.

Wow. Your connection with Hashem is so real and alive. You talk to him and tell him what's on your mind, and He answers. Just like that.

Your openness with Hashem, your family, and your Rov, is a great inspiration. keep up the good work!

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and the best of everything.

Gevura!

Hashem is very Big. He can wait for the gift to Him of your sweet psukei dzimrah...it's worth it, I am sure.

Boy, is God lucky to have such a son!!!

1daat, you are making your God proud!!



Wow! It is your personal relationship with your personal God!!!
      He can do does for you what you cannot do for yourself!!!

1daat wrote on 27 Jan 2012 03:45:



Joel, you are beautiful and not alone. If I had a beer for every time I said pesukei dezimra and really meant it I would still be sober (just). You have a real relationship with Hashem, when it hurts you yell. When Paro wanted to throw the Jewish boys in the river, איוב was silent but Yisro ran away.


Have a peaceful and painless Shabbos.


Blind Beggar

Davening for you chaver.
Rav Tauber explains the statement that whoever gets angry it is as if he commits idolatry as follows:
When a person feels wronged and directs his anger at the person who wronged him, he is attributing true power to that person, making him into a god and ignoring Hashem in the process.  On the other hand, if the person directs his anger at the Source, Hashem, there is no problem at all.  After all, Hashem, in his wisdom, orchestrated the entire event.

Your ability to scream at/to Hashem is commendable and a great lesson to us all.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
Have a great Shabbos,
chaimyakov

ה ' נָתַן וַה ' לָקָח יְהִי שֵׁם ה ' מְבֹרָךְ  He gave me the pain and he took it away, and hugged me close while I screamed and cried.  Thanks for understanding, you guys.  I was able to walk to the Rav's house today (about a block).  I'm rickity, but the pain is very very little, and I feel blessed.  I pray I can get back to my 50-minute daily walks Be"H.

Such amazing posts.  Gevurah, always there, thanks.

Dovy, a Pintelle?  Are you losing your touch?  It went straight to my heart, and I thank you and love you.  We made up for Shabbos, and it was sweet.  It's all better now with us.  You know G-d's Mercy intimately and share that knowing and comfort me, console me, take the edge off, remind me He will always love me with infinite patience.  Thank you for that.

Yosef Yosef, thank you for reminding me. When I get that low I cry and cry, and I forget that I'm crying to my Father, to my Father!  And that I can pound on his chest and he'll still hug me and hold me.  Thanks for the post.

BBBBBBBB, thank you for your message and brocho.  In you honor I'm going to start to study איוב.  It's something I've been putting off and putting off.  After the ordeal  I just went through, I think I' may be ready to try to understand it.  Also, the psu'k d'zimra comment was hilarious! You are my friend and I love you.

chaimyakov, the vort was so on the spot.  Thank you. It helped with the guilt I felt for getting so mad at Him.  I'd never done that before.  Thank you also for davening for me.

Nu, I am going to walk to a sheva brocho tonight, rikity and all.

There is still much left for me to learn from this experience.  One day at a time I expect it will unfold for a long time. G-d willing.

Yoel ben Miriam, recovering in all ways, Bezras Hashem hamevorach.

Great vort, Chaim Yakov, I really needed to hear that today.

Amazing what a simple "how you doing" can bring out.  1daat, glad to hear that the pain is starting to ease.  Things should look brighter and brighter for you every day. 

1daat, i feel for you and will daven for you to feel HKBH's love and to be healthy and free of all pain

ur-a-jew wrote on 30 Jan 2012 21:30:


ZemirosShabbos wrote on 01 Feb 2012 16:40:


I am pain free.  I walk 40-50 minutes a day.  I am regaining my strength.  I lost 22 pounds during the ordeal which I sorely needed to lose.  Parnassah has doubled in the last  three weeks.  and i got my first social security check which will allow me to begin paying off a mountain of debt.  My children, Bz"H are healthy, and dealing with their lives like menschen.  These are Hashem's blessings.  Boruch Hu u'Varuch Shemoh.

The state Board mandated as part of my probation that I have psychotherapy.  On the very first appointment the guy says that he believes that every patient is sent to him for a reason.  He is a card carrying Jewish atheist, he tells me.  Fast forward to his seeing me through the ordeal and coming out the other end.  He tells me now he has his own private G-d.  I said, "Is there any other kind?"  After the parnassah nes I say to him, "So tell me there's no G-d!  Tell me!"  He laughs sheepishly.  He said, "having some money coming is a real mitzvah".  I knew he meant "brocho", but never mind, now he's talking loshon kodesh.  So I guess we know why I showed up in his office.  Maybe he'll put on tephillin before I finish.

Through all this I study seder hishtalshelus.  Life has moved on and I can look back and see the ordeal and my encounter with Hashem and His too too palpable love and gevurah being so immediately active in my life, and a sea change seems to have happened in my Yiddishkeit.  That you have davened for me, asked about me, checked in with me, given me chizuk so spot on, I am so deeply touched by you all.  Why the hell can't I reach out and grab you and hug you and laugh and laugh with you, dance with you with such joy at our understanding of how wonderful He is, even in the depths of our anguish.  It is good, nonetheless to know you are there.  Thank you.

Hashem, this is where I say in public what I've been talking with you about, well, some of it.  You are, as Dov said, so big.  Where there was acting out as the solution to physical and emotional pain, You've taught me emunah.  Where there was panic about money, you've taught me emunah.  Where there was controlling my children, You've taught me patience, and emunah.  Yet every morning I thank you for your emunah in me.  Does this not reduce me to dust before you?  Such hugeness of chesed.  Av ha'rachamim.  I was angry, and you held me.  I turned my back and you were patient. You've given and given and given.  I didn't understand anything in the middle of the pain.  I looked for the chesed and the simcha in the pain and found nothing but more pain.  I see now how close You really were when I was yelling at you.  Because I was reduced to nothing.  Which is where I belong, and which is where I pray you help me to be, without such terrible lessons anymore.  But, Yehi Ratzon.  Next time, should there need to be one, maybe I'll re-read this post, and remember to trust You.

Feb 29 I go in front of the state board and a judge to petition that I don't have to have anymore psychotherapy (at $125 a week).  March 15 I have surgery on the back which the doc says should only take a week to ten days to be back at work.  Lady friend coming in from Switzerland for a visit.  Life is full.  Hashem is close.  I am a blessed man.  Unbelievable!

To you guys who are new to the forum that I posted on your threads, and then disappeared, I'm sorry.  I'll catch up with you in time.  Meantime, try to remember that this journey is not about getting clean.  It's about getting clean so we can serve Him with joy.

Yoyil

If I had to join the site only to read that post dayainu. Thanks 1daat for the lessons in living. Wishing you continued hatzlacha and closeness to Hashem.

Wow!
I'm speechless.

SO happy you have shared your vision of life with us.  And SO glad things are moving in positive directions.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov