Right back atcha.

But do you think anyone who really needs to read it, will?

Dov wrote:


I did! And I needed it!

cordnoy wrote:

Ditto

Bigmoish wrote:


Me 2...
And on your recorded shiur you say you use to think you would be the gadol hador when you were younger, well I think you're definitely in the running now...

rav etzlo wrote:


Is that a position anyone runs for?

What great posts. Thank you Dov and thank you Eliya, it has been such a long time since I saw any of your posts. Thanks for reminding me that I am a part of GYE.

So I really, really, really want to tell you how great I am and that I am the best at everything, that I even opened a shul in my town and that we now have a nice minyan and that of course we are all recovering SAA (thanks Dov) - vow, that is coincidence - and that we are uf and aaa and uuuuu and pffffffffffff (the whole minyan and near family).

Ok, maybe I shouldn't joke. I am just on the verge, hm, yes again. But the happy writting comes from reading Dov's post.

Step 1. So easy.

Yes, yesterday night I was watching tv alone and I didn't see much, just a second, no intercourse, but it was porn. But nothing explicit - you know the part where there is a little drama, just before they start... Ok, not funny.

Why did I do that? I want to better myself, middos and all that, so I started running, I payed the fee for our town marathon already and I have to do my long runs. And I was supposed to run 11 miles yesterday (17,6km) and I missed (overslept) my morning run and then I wanted to run in the evening, but then had people over and ate too much... So there I was, 22:15, alone infront of the tv looking, slipping. Then I remember taking my step 1.

Darn man, I did take it. Went to my diaries (written) and read why I want to stay sober. What a boost, so I went and did my run. Not the 17.6, my hip was really bad (i don't know why!??? - perhaps I shouldn't have done the 14 km on thursday and the 6km on Friday - but I thought the rest on Saturday will be enough - perhaps becasue of the pause due to back injury)... So I did 8 km, after that I couldn't walk, so that ended my run yesterday. Then took a shower and went to bed at midnight.

This morning the whole thing again. And now at work still want to act so badly. I even slipped just now, watching dressed women on Youtube. Still it is slipping, just cos I am procrastinating.

So, step 1. Hi, I am Miha and I am a porn addict.

So what's wrong with me, why can't I get this!? I did the walk of shame for so many times and I was shaking all over for so many times. Still I want to act out. And why not, just a bit. I know why not, but I just don't get it.

Bam, reset button. Fall. It was on the 17th, I wrote such a nice post. It was honest, but not honestly enough.

I am following a recovery program and now the work began and I am just tired, I couldn't break through, the results just didn't come. My running is really low, all the injuries of my ankle and then my lower back. Nothing is moving and then all the problems in meditation, I can't even breathe the required 20 counts, no progress. And on top of all that, in the moment in the morning or in the evening, I am too tired and I don't do my meditation and the practices, I just go to bed feeling tired and happy that it was a good day, but then I pay the next morning with this urge to escape everything (one more thing i failed in).

I don't know. I know people in recorey go through ups and downs. And I know that this is a progressive desease, but I didn't act out live and I didn't go to the hard core sites that I used to visit. Still it is this feeling that I can view it like a gentleman and not get caught up in diving deeper and deeper. Well, I know people slip, and this was a slip, but I will call it a fall, cos my therapy isn't working. Feels like I am not strong enough on my own and I don't know what to do. I mean my life is functioning and thigs seem ok, but I know in my they are not ok. So what to do? I don't know, even if i were to join a group, I know I would have to go through this pain. I am still hoping that I can go through the pain and on the other side there will be family waiting for me.

Sorry for disappointing you guys, sorry Dov, sorry Eliya.

Sorry to hear.
Your recovery seems to be built upon the foundations of running and meditation.
Perhaps it's time for a shake up.

B'hatzlachah

What do you mean with "shake up"?

It does seems so, yes. And reading (related material) and keeping a diary and struggeling to have a good relationship with my wife and daughter. And to excell at work.

I also post here, from time to time. Ok, not much, but honestly still. I mean I don't act out more than I write here.

I don't know what shake up is. But you are right, I can't defend myself. I can't call it sobriety when it isn't and something has to change.

yehoshua wrote:


Nice honest post, but in the beginnin', you ask, "what d'ya mean by shake up?" and then you write that you continue to struggle and battle and it's not sobriety and somethin' has to change. That is what i mean by "shake up." Perhaps it's time to do somethin' different. Which avenues of recovery have you explored? what has worked and what hasn't? What haven't you tried at all?

b'hatzlachah

Live therapy with a therapist or on-line SAA group or live SAA group or live therapy group. I don't have a sponsor. That I haven't done at all.

What has worked? It's day 2, it feels like nothing worked at all. But my life is much better, I don't masturbate anymore and I view porn (I act out) once every 2 months. Before I masturbated many times a day, viewed porn all the time, especially when things got though.

So in some sense, since June 2010 (when I came here) I did make progress. Vou, after 5 years, I can't make it to 90 without a fall. Ok, hold, I mean I did make it, but then fell again. I don't know how to have days.

The program I am following does work - it made my life so much better, you know I can smile and I can be of some good to others..., but I got tired 2 days ago, no mojo, everything seemed so futile and impossible. So why go to porn, it didn't help, but it offered escape, for a moment to get away. That is what happened.

So in a sense, I don't have anything sweeter than porn. Even though I love my wife and my daughter. When my running wasn't happening and my meditation wasn't happening, I suddenly felt unable to tackle anything. As if failing at this program will mean I can't do anything else either.

I look at my daughter with more distance in these two days and my wife too, like I feel some less love. Porn did this. As if a little fear came in my eyes and heart when I look at them, I did dissapoint them and they don't know it. It feels like I will do it again, but I don't want to.

Just for today. I feel like I am holding my breath. I felt this for some time now. Shake up, yes shake up. And I feel like I want to act out. I have to go to the beginning. I hate it, but I will, darn how I hate it. But a beginning should be every day, perhaps that is what it means to "know how to have days".

I cant say I understand the flow of your post so well, but is there any way you could talk to someone? your first paragraph was somewhat unclear?

that bein' said, kol hakavod to you.....you keep perseverin' although it is difficult.

b'hatzlachah to you

You mean this ???

So in some sense, since June 2010 (when I came here) I did make progress. Vou, after 5 years, I can't make it to 90 without a fall. Ok, hold, I mean I did make it, but then fell again. I don't know how to have days.

2010 I first came to GYE, I feel i did make some progress. Still I feel, that the basis of recovery is first to make the 90 days - in my mind that means, that if I can make it, then I am on the right track, my therapy is working.

The truth is, I did make it to 90. I was sober for more then 90 on several occassions, but it didn't last.

I feel ashamed, that even though I am here since 2010, I am not sober for a longer period of time. That means: I don't know how to have days.

And you are right about calling someone. I can't do this on my own. I am reading the green book SAA and it says clearly in the 1. step. I have to admit that I can't stop acting out through self-control and that I need help.

Now, I don't want to go to SA meetings in secret, without telling my wife. That would be dishonest and that is not recovery. Telling my wife and asking her for permission is perhaps the only way. But I don't want to go to that group, there is another therapy group and I am already trying to follow their program. But to join this group, my wife would have to join as well. And she doesn't want to, because I suggested it already.

Ok, my wife is not my aliby. I am responsible and she isn't to blame one bit. She doesn't have a problem, she doesn't act out and that is her right. She is ok, she doesn't need treatment.

I respect that and I don't want to drag her to therapy. She likes our little life and is a genuine good person, no bull.

Of course this therapist doesn't allow me to join his group without my wife or some significant other that has my back (and is my mirror - whom I can't fool). Trouble is I don't have anyone else.

So I am trying to do this on my own. The problem is, I lost my direction, got tired, don't want to follow the program anymore, it seemed futile, fruitless, boring. I am still missing the feeling of completing a day according to the program (running, reading, helping out in the kitchen, working out in the morning, writting and so on).

So, I feel lost, and traped. And I am afraid I will fall again and get a strange smile on my face as if I can act out and not get punished or confronted for it, as if I am not responsible for my acting out:
1. it is a disease, so it's not my fault
2. I would get help, but my wife doesn't let me do it

This is really dangerous, because I understand what is going on and still in the next second I will feel some stress or pain in my life (a task I must perform or a responsibility I was given), get scared and anxious and then open a private browser, one normal tab and one porn tab. Then slowly I increase the graphic of the porn, dive deeper and deeper, until I get really excited and I ejaculate. Then of course I want to kill myself, I get depressed and for one month I am living dead.

Do you know this feeling. I am alive, but I feel as if I am not here, like I am just a shell. Of course I go from this depressed state to some angry and sad phases, that are painful for everyone near.

Anyhow. I written my first step in my diary. How my porn addiction affected my life. The bottom line, I missed many opportunities (to be good at school, to get a post at the university) and lost or offended my loved ones (my dad, my mom, my family, people at work, friends - oh God my friends) through my depression and through that feeling of beeing an empty shell. After acing out, I don't feel for someone else, as if I can't and I push everyone away, everyone to be alone and to have the freedom to act out, for my big love, precious porn.

I feel like Golum!

But I don't want to get funny. I feel this emptiness on one side and this need for more acting out. I feel how my mind wants to block the feelings I have for my wife and my daughter, only then I am free to act out. When I can block it, I can enjoy fully.

At my last fall, 4 days ago, I did stop at some point. I didn't ejaculate and I didn't masturbate, but I was on the verge of ejaculating. I haven't masturbated for so long, that just by watching I can ejaculate. Super power, jupi! But I did stop, because of my loved ones. Still it was not enough to stop before opening even the softest picture, I was simply acting out like a gentleman, to the point where no one gets hurt. But that is not the case as I see it now. I am hurting myself and my loved ones, I do feel like a shell, I lost feelings for my wife and daughter, I don't feel with them and I am pushing people away,....

I want to write more and I will. I don't know what to do though.

So honestly, I will write and I will try and talk to God and pray he gives me an answer. I do however understand that following a program is not enough, simply because I am not following it all the time and I don't have anyone to talk to, so no one is my mirror, my sponsor, no one is here to tell me:"Hey, you are not following the program, you are slipping, we need to have the talk."

My heart goes out for you.
May God provide you with guidance.

B'hatzlachah to you

Glad you're here and thanks for sharing.